Spangler, Paige

Yoder, Angela M

English

The Keep

Eastern Illinois University
The Keep
Faculty Research & Creative Activity Counseling & Student Development
January 2010
My real home is inside
Angela M. Yoder
Eastern Illinois University, amyoder@eiu.edu
Paige Spangler
Follow this and additional works at: http://thekeep.eiu.edu/csd_fac
Part of the Student Counseling and Personnel Services Commons
This Article is brought to you for free and open access by the Counseling & Student Development at The Keep. It has been accepted for inclusion in
Faculty Research & Creative Activity by an authorized administrator of The Keep. For more information, please contact tabruns@eiu.edu.
Recommended Citation
Yoder, Angela M. and Spangler, Paige, "My real home is inside" (2010). Faculty Research & Creative Activity. 46.
http://thekeep.eiu.edu/csd_fac/46
8  PlayTheraPy  December 2010  www.a4pt.org
comments by clinical editor
Take a journey with the authors (supervisor and student) 
as they learn lessons of connecting with children from an 
expert—a child.
Fears and insecurities are common among 
beginning play therapists (Bernard, 2008). At the 
beginning of each semester, I ask practicum 
students to process “worries and wishes” they 
have for their semester with their clients, 
encouraging them to reframe their worries as 
opportunities to overcome challenges. I ask 
them to begin embracing these worries 
rather than resisting them, pointing out the 
support and safety that should characterize 
their individual and group supervision 
experiences (Crenshaw, 2008). I also remind 
them that it is better to have them occur as part 
of their learning experience rather than when they are 
practicing independently. It is interesting to me how 
given a safe environment, students are often able to 
B
y 
P
ai
ge
 s
pa
ng
le
r 
 B
FA
  
&
 A
ng
el
a 
Yo
de
r 
 p
hD
My Real 
Home is 
Inside
December 2010  PlayTheraPy  9 www.a4pt.org
sense their growth areas (Bratton, Ceballos, & Sheely, 2008). 
Even more amazing is how the universe often serves up the very 
best learning experiences to address such challenges. I knew 
going into the semester that Paige was one of our most gifted 
graduate clinicians. What she and I both didn’t realize was that 
the thing she most feared ended up being one of the most 
powerful therapeutic experiences for her client.
Paige and sheila’s story   
As a graduate student in my first 
semester working with clients, 
I was formulating a list of worries 
before I even began. I would 
be working with highly
disenfranchised clients while 
carrying a deficient toolbox (due 
to lack of real world experience). 
To add to these insecurities, my 
concerns were heightened by the 
fact that I am a very emotional 
individual. In most circumstances 
I feel that this is what helps me 
connect to others with ease as 
I am rarely, if ever, veiling who I 
am. However in my preconceived 
notions of what it would be like to 
counsel others, particularly 
children of trauma, I wondered if 
my sensitivity would be too 
permeable and that the grief of 
my clients would become mine. 
Upon reflection over my semester 
experience I believe that by using 
play therapy so consistently 
with clients it became an 
instinctual way to care for others 
and myself (Bratton, Ceballos, & 
Sheely, 2008). Without realizing it 
over the semester, I was applying 
the fundamentals of play therapy 
to my life. I began developing 
ways of coping with the demands of 
clinical work; often applying the same techniques in my life that I 
was using with my clients: such as the practice of presence, 
unconditional positive regard, and creating an arena for 
methods of boundless expression. I started working on how I 
could think about my clients in ways that would be helpful to 
them and me. I could mull over everything, all the traumas, and 
sit in guilt, or I could use this time creatively. So what I did was 
look at these children’s burdens as their strengths and to see 
the art and beauty in their defenses. I chose to treat myself with 
kindness by allowing for mistakes and messes, and most 
importantly to be creative with my expression. For me this 
meant formulating some imagery based on their play themes; I 
wrote poetry from their point of view. I also began to learn that 
what I thought would be my detriment ended up being my 
strength. My emotionality and vulnerability with clients 
transparently demonstrated how special they were to me. For 
clients who have been forgotten and obliterated by their original 
caregivers, their environment and personal defenses often keep 
a space (a large space) around them. When a present adult is 
transparent, it can become easier to enter that space, or better 
yet, create conditions that generate 
a desire in the client to close the 
gap until there is little to no space 
between remaining. This choice by 
the client can allow for closeness 
with those who have earned it. 
This was particularly important 
for a client named “Sheila.”
    During my first week at my site, 
I met Sheila, an eight year-old 
female in foster care. I found Sheila 
to be engaged and appropriately 
guarded. There was a clear sense 
of approval seeking from the client 
as we sat and talked not unlike 
most first meetings, but from 
Sheila I felt an additional hunger. 
She had a longing in her eyes that 
went deep. This was not lost on me 
for it demonstrated to me the 
weight of the work I would need to 
do with this client. Throughout our 
work together Sheila often referred 
to a desire to return to her 
“real home.” In my case
conceptualization, I saw this as her 
theme. I wrote a poem from her 
point of view entitled “My Real 
Home is Inside”. Creating personal 
writings was my way of 
externalizing some of the difficult 
feelings that come along with 
working with traumatized children. It 
also helped me to conceptualize a treatment plan in that the 
client had a deep desire to return to a home that was real. She 
could not return to this literal home of origin which was abusive, 
but perhaps she could discover the essence of a home in 
another way. It struck me as I wrote her poem that her strength 
lies within her own ability to tell her story.
    I dreaded termination with all my clients, but with Sheila I was 
especially hesitant because there were recent negative changes 
in her foster home. On my last day, Sheila arrived disheveled; 
she was really struggling. In reflecting upon what I felt an ending 
could be for her, I thought it would be therapeutic to have her do 
As counselors we try to see the world 
through the eyes of our clients. In order to 
conceptualize Sheila’s world I put on my 
“Sheila vision” goggles and wrote a poem 
from her point of view adding what I saw as 
the meaning within her story.
My real home is inside
By “Sheila”
My real home is not safe,
yet it is the most real to me.
They removed me
Took me nowhere
Now here, I long for somewhere else.
In the space between that place
and where I want to be 
I write the words I need to write.
What I write changes me
My words transform into a map 
This map will guide me as I hunt for a home. 
I can find a place without danger,
I can find a place worthy of me,
I can write a new life.
And there will be a day,
A day when I will realize 
that my real home is inside.
My real home is inside of me.
www.a4pt.org10  PlayTheraPy  December 2010  
a “safe place” drawing. In my mind, if she could develop that 
space during our last session, then when we are no longer 
meeting she will have a “place to go.” When I suggested this to 
her, she surprised me with her enthusiasm at the idea. She got 
settled in to the drawing area and began furiously writing as a 
determined author. She was not drawing as we had discussed, 
so I was very curious as to what she was concocting. She 
finished and read her note aloud describing how she had no 
place safe to go. She spoke of how she hated herself for letting 
the “new girl” in the foster home ruin her house and of a desire 
to return to her “real home” (with her biological mom). It was 
hard to hear as it told of her pain so vividly. How could I leave 
her in this state? I offered another opportunity to do a drawing 
of a safe spot to escape what she had just described and she 
replied, “I’m just too angry to do that right now.” This still stuns 
me to think of now, that this little girl had the courage to say 
that. So I responded, “That is so good that you can tell me that.” 
I was very proud of her.
    We then sat for a few moments. She eventually picked up the 
small dry erase board and wrote me a message: “I love you, 
Paige.”  I started to get choked up at her words. I then asked if I 
could write something back and she agreed. I chose to celebrate 
her with words and told her how amazing I thought she was. We 
exchanged messages of this nature back and forth. I even 
thought to myself that I was “in the clear.” We were able to 
connect through our messages and while my heart was full, I 
wasn’t feeling the emotionality I so feared. Then Sheila took my 
breath away with her next message. This session was 
videotaped for supervision and when you hear me read her note 
out loud, you can hear my initial stumbling over her words until I 
realize what it says. I go 
very quiet. Tears start 
welling up in my eyes and I 
can’t contain my feelings 
of joy over her depth. She 
had written: “I love you 
Paige for loving me back.” 
This client’s awareness is 
truly astounding. For her to 
see, understand, and 
express in words the 
experience of loving 
someone based on their 
care for her is just 
absolutely mind-boggling. 
Based upon her history of 
abuse and neglect, 
witnessing love based on 
care was likely a rare - if 
not unseen - event in her 
life. Sheila noticed my 
emotion and inquired, 
“Teary-eyed?” I nodded 
yes, as I was rendered 
speechless by my 
overwhelming emotions. 
She let out a short laugh 
and began to draw a face 
with tears coming down 
both cheeks. I asked if the 
picture was of me (which I 
regret, perhaps it was of 
her?) and she said it was. I 
asked if I could add 
something to the drawing. 
She agreed. I grabbed a 
marker and added a heart 
to the figure she had 
“Creating personal writings was my way of 
externalizing some of the difficult feelings that 
come along with working with traumatized children.” 
www.a4pt.org12  PlayTheraPy  December 2010  
drawn. Around the heart I drew rays of light radiating out and I 
explained that while I was so sad that this was our last day, I 
was so full of joy that I got to meet and be graced by her 
presence in my life. As I explained this to her, she began erasing 
the tears off the face she had drawn. We were able to end our 
last session on this awe-inspiring note. In retrospect, this ending 
modeled all that is required of a farewell: mourning and 
celebration. I’m so very proud of my client and the depths she 
reached; somehow she managed to demonstrate the depth of 
a much older human being.
 While I was blown away by the work of my client, I was 
extremely concerned that I had broken some kind of cardinal 
counselor rule by showing such emotion during a session. 
Because of this and my impending vulnerability before my 
review I was very worried that others would see this as me 
making a grave error with this client. It was not until I saw the 
tears in my supervisor’s eyes as we reviewed this session that 
I realized how phenomenal it had been. What culminated with 
her was that I ultimately mourned the loss of her, which showed 
her how deeply she was valued. In modeling an appropriate and 
openly emotional farewell she observed someone who saw her 
worth. Maybe those glimmers of unconditional regard speak 
volumes because this is something that will reverberate within 
the client for years to come. When someone finally says to us “I 
see you, I believe you” we begin to feel more three-dimensional 
for our life is not an illusion or a mirage; it is being shared. 
Perhaps we finally feel real when others see us in this manner 
and still choose to cherish us. Sheila’s concept of returning to 
her “real home” - though in her mind literally meant being with 
her biological mom – hits the target conceptually in that it 
speaks to all human beings’ quest to have safety, unconditional 
regard and worth. This had to be modeled in counseling for it 
never happened in her original home or foster homes.  The care 
in counseling ideally starts a spark within the client to create an 
internal self-care, like a home from within. This gives some 
control back to the client. The “home inside” is theirs’, not to be 
disturbed or taken away. Sheila was so cherished in counseling 
that I believe this incited her drive to continue to express herself 
and to care for her real home inside.
epilogue
During our last supervision session, Paige hesitantly played her 
last session with Sheila. She, indeed, was quite concerned 
about how she had managed her emotionality. As supervisors, 
we must assist our supervisees in managing the complicated, 
difficult emotions that arise during clinical work with children 
(Hansen & Dagirmanjian, 2008). While we normally caution 
students about the dangers of processing their emotions during 
client sessions, Paige’s tears were not about her issues. She 
had quite successfully worked through the challenges of 
termination with clients. These tears were courageous ones in 
that they demonstrated to this child that she was special and 
cared about. As Paige struggled with whether or not she should 
PlayTherapyWorks
Sponsored by PlayTherapyWorks - APT Provider 00-098
For more information about seminars, lodging options and Cape 
Cod, visit our website: www.playtherapyworks.com
For questions or to receive a brochure: 
[ email ] playtherapy@att.net  
[ phone ] 337-993-7927 [ fax ] 337-993-7929
At our Summer Seminars, you can 
combine an excellent, small-group 
learning experience with plenty of time 
for rest, relaxation and recreation. 
Sessions are held in the mornings. 
Your afternoons and evenings are 
free to enjoy the many and varied 
activities available on Cape Cod.
Seminars are held in Eastham, MA, 
home of Cape Cod National Seashore.
Summer Seminars at Cape Cod 
August 1-5, 2011 
Eliana Gil
Trauma-Focused Integrated Play Therapy
15 hours, Monday - Friday
August 8-12, 2011
Liana Lowenstein
Trauma-Focused Integrated Play Therapy
15 hours, Monday - Friday
www.a4pt.org December 2010  PlayTheraPy  13 
have let her tears show, my question to her was this: “How many 
people do you suppose have shed tears when Sheila had to 
leave?” This child had never experienced a “good” bye. In fact, 
she had been shuffled from home to home without anyone 
showing her that they cared much whether she was there or not. 
My tears communicated to Paige what a beautiful moment she 
had shared with this client and was an interesting parallel 
process to her transparency with Sheila (Hanson & 
Dagirmanjian, 2008). What Paige feared most was quite 
possibly the most healing aspect of her work with this 
phenomenal child. Her story is a powerful lesson for beginning 
play therapists: we need not dread our fears, but embrace them 
and await the tremendous life lessons we may learn. Paige’s 
work with Sheila is also a beautiful illustration of how play 
therapists can utilize the power of play in their own quest to 
manage the pain of clinical work with abused children, as well 
as how transparency can be transformative.
references
Bernard, J. (2008). Fundamentals of clinical supervision 
 (4th ed.). Needham Heights, MA: Allyn & Bacon.
Bratton, S., Ceballos, P., & Sheely, A. (2008). Expressive arts 
 in a humanistic approach to supervision. In Drewes, A., &   
 Mullen, J. (Eds.), Supervision can be playful. New York: 
 Jason Aronson.
Crenshaw, D. (2008). Supervision of play therapists working with 
 aggressive children. In Drewes, A., & Mullen, J. (Eds.),   
 Supervision can be playful. New York: Jason Aronson. 
Hansen, S., & Dagirmanjian, J. M. (2008). The supervision   
 process: Working with traumatized children in an outpatient  
 mental health clinic. In Drewes, A., & Mullen, J. (Eds.),   
 Supervision can be playful. New York: Jason Aronson.
Pipes, R., & Davenport, D. S. (1999). Introduction to    
 psychotherapy: Common clinical wisdom (2nd ed.).
 Needham Heights, MA: Allyn & Bacon.
About the Authors
Paige Spangler, BFA, is a master’s candidate in Clinical Counseling wishing to 
aid other counselors with self-care techniques by using creative expression 
and play therapy. She has co-authored this article with her professor, Angela 
Yoder, PhD, HSPP, a licensed psychologist and assistant professor in the 
Department of Counseling & Student Development at Eastern Illinois 
University. She also teaches play therapy and has practiced it since 1994. 
amyoder@eiu.edu
Paige Spangler    Angela Yoder


My real home is inside

https://thekeep.eiu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1045&amp;context=csd_fac

My real home is inside

Abstract

Similar works

Full text

Available Versions

The Keep