Bowsky, Lishone

English

Digital Commons @ University at Buffalo School of Law

Buffalo Law Review Volume 48 Number 3 Symposium on Urban Girls: legal issues Facing Adolescents and Teens Article 11 10-1-2000 Response to Susan Vivian Mangold's Extending Non-Exclusive Parenting and the Right to Protection for Older Foster Care Children: Creating Third Options in Permanency Planning Lishone Bowsky Follow this and additional works at: https://digitalcommons.law.buffalo.edu/buffalolawreview  Part of the Juvenile Law Commons Recommended Citation Lishone Bowsky, Response to Susan Vivian Mangold's Extending Non-Exclusive Parenting and the Right to Protection for Older Foster Care Children: Creating Third Options in Permanency Planning, 48 Buff. L. Rev. 939 (2000). Available at: https://digitalcommons.law.buffalo.edu/buffalolawreview/vol48/iss3/11 This Commentary is brought to you for free and open access by the Law Journals at Digital Commons @ University at Buffalo School of Law. It has been accepted for inclusion in Buffalo Law Review by an authorized editor of Digital Commons @ University at Buffalo School of Law. For more information, please contact lawscholar@buffalo.edu. CONFERENCE COMMENTARYRESPONSE TO SUSAN VIVIAN MANGOLD'S EXTENDING NON-EXCLUSIVE PARENTING AND THE RIGHT TO PROTECTION FOROLDER FOSTER CHILDREN: CREATING THIRD OPTIONS INPERMANENCY PLANNINGLISHONE BOwsKYtIn the years that I've been in foster care, I've managedto meet numerous people, some adults, some my age, whohave helped and supported me. Some of them I still keep incontact with. Others, whom I call human guardian angels,were there when I needed them, be it just for that moment.While I don't see them anymore, I know they pray for mefrom a distance. Then there were plenty of others who goton my nerves and I won't miss them when I age out.Next September I'll be twenty-one years of age,hopefully in my last year of college, and finally out of thefoster care system. I feel as if I'm on the right road toindependence. I attend New York Institute of Technology,where my major is Communication Arts. I have a full-timejob working for a publishing company, and I live in anapartment program with one roommate (talk aboutindependence!).I also have folks around me who offer me emotionalsupport. Most of those people are my age-like my bestfriend Tanya, who I consider my older sister and who I'veknown for years and years. We were both pretty much onour own at an early age, and we learned how to raiseourselves together. She's always been there and has neveron any occasion turned her back on me.There's also my friend Nickeyia. I speak to her aboutonce a week because she lives down South. And I haveTawana and Mike, who I speak to almost every day. Theyall keep me grounded. When times get tough and I need torant and rave, scream, cry, and kick, they are all there forme making sure I keep my head up and that I never giveup.I have been fortunate enough to meet people like myfriends. Unfortunately, not every teen in care is so lucky.t Ms. Bowsky is a writer for Foster Care Youth United, a national magazinewritten by and for teens in foster care. She is currently attending the New YorkInstitute of Technology.2000] 939BUFFALO LAW REVIEWThere are some teenagers who have no one to turn to, bothwhile they're in care and after they age out. They feel theycan't trust anyone. Maybe those who they have trustedhave betrayed or left them.The question many of these young people face is, whodo I turn to when I need support or a question answered?Even with my good friends, I also feel like I need an adultto talk to once in a while. All of my friends are in their earlytwenties, and while we have been through a lot, there aresome things that we don't know or understand. Sometimeswe need advice or we just need someone outside of ourfriends to talk to. Sometimes it's that older person who canlisten, is open, and won't judge.At the same time, I don't really want a mentor, at leastnot someone who's got that title officially-someone who'spaid to be my mentor. A mentor's too much like a parent,and I'm not looking for a parent figure. I've been on my owntoo long to want someone who's going to be in any waycontrolling. I'm grown, and I feel like it's too late forsomeone to try and control me.Besides, I don't want to have to rely on any one adult.The few adults who I've been attached to in the past, bothin and out of the system, have come and gone. I stillappreciate them because they guided me when I've neededguidance. But after a while, they moved on in their careers,or they moved out of the state. The one adult I becameterribly close to changed careers, and I couldn't keep incontact with her for reasons I won't discuss. That hurt, andall those experiences made me not want to have any oneadult who I rely on to always be there. I don't want thedisappointment.Even if there was an adult who I was close to, Iwouldn't want that person to be paid to be my mentor afterI leave care. Money changes things as well as people. Andeven if it didn't change that person, it would change therelationship in my mind.I've had too many adults who were paid to care for mealready-like foster parents, caseworkers, social workers,and group home staff. If I knew that someone was gettingpaid to mentor me, I'd have a much harder time gettingclose to them, trusting them, or talking to them because I'dwonder if it was really about me, or if they were only doingit just because it was their job.The adults who I have gotten close to in as well as out940 [Vol. 48CONFERENCE COMMENTARYof foster care weren't paid to be there for me. Not directly,anyway. They were getting paid to do other jobs, such as tobe my teachers, directors of corporations where I worked, orcoordinators of programs that I attended. So they weregetting paid to teach me, help me, or be my boss. But Ididn't really feel that they were getting paid to care aboutme. That just happened. And that made it feel special.What I would rather have instead of a mentor is a clubfor teens who have aged out of the system or who were everin the system at any point in their lives. I think it wouldalso be good for kids who were still in the system but weregetting ready to age out. That way they could getcomfortable coming to the club and would be more likely tocontinue coming after they left care. The ages wouldprobably range from sixteen to thirty.I would like to have many such clubs in different citiesthroughout this country, and in many differentneighborhoods. The staff would consist mainly of men andwomen who had aged out of the system and had theexperience, the patience, and the training to talk and giveadvice to teens and young people who need it. The clubwould have counselors to talk to about emotional issues, atwenty-four-hour hot-line to call in case of an emergency,access to job help, financial aid help for school, andapartment help. It could hold support group meetings soformer foster kids could help each other. There could also berecreation facilities. It would just be a place to go when Iwas lonely.There would be two huge club meetings a month whereyoung people would meet to discuss how they were doing,and discuss if there was anything more that the club coulddo to support them. The club would be open seven days aweek and for a few hours on Christmas Day andThanksgiving Day. (The staff might have families to gohome to, but holidays are a time when many former fosterkids really need a place to feel like they belong, even if justfor a few hours.)Having clubs like that would let us know we always hada place to turn to. But it would be our choice to attend, andwe would choose who we wanted to be close to, or if wewanted to be close to anyone.I also think that in addition to the clubs, during thefirst eighteen months after we age out, there should besome financial support available, maybe $500, as a cushion20001 941BUFFALO LAW REVIEWto use when needed. The money would be held by theagency, not by the young person. (After all, the youngperson might be independent, but that doesn't mean she'snot a fool with money.)The agency would give the young person that moneyonly if there was an emergency, and not all at once,either-only what was required in each situation. Then, theyoung person could receive whatever was left over once theeighteen months had expired. Aging out can be hard-notjust emotionally but financially too-and this would justease that transition a little.Everyone, young and old, needs support. Unfortunatelynot all people have the support they need. For those of us infoster care, the goal is to become young stabilized adultswho can take care of ourselves. We need to be able tohandle our financial responsibilities. We also need to beemotionally and mentally capable of taking care ofourselves. Sometimes that means having someone to talkto. Even for a few hours, or a couple of minutes, the timethat it takes for someone to be there for us, and not judgeus or try to control us, is enough.They shouldn't be people who we will have to worryabout whether they'll come through for us or who will bugus or get on our nerves. They should just be people we canfind when we feel the need to talk, or just need a little helpin being stable adults ready to go out and face the world.It's the support that we get that will make us smile whenthe times get tough, and laugh when we want to cry. It's thesupport that we get that will keep us sane and able tocomplete each day.[Vol. 48942

Response to Susan Vivian Mangold\u27s \u3cem\u3eExtending Non-Exclusive Parenting and the Right to Protection for Older Foster Care Children: Creating Third Options in Permanency Planning\u3c/em\u3e

https://digitalcommons.law.buffalo.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1428&amp;context=buffalolawreview

Response to Susan Vivian Mangold\u27s \u3cem\u3eExtending Non-Exclusive Parenting and the Right to Protection for Older Foster Care Children: Creating Third Options in Permanency Planning\u3c/em\u3e

Abstract

Similar works

Full text

Available Versions

Digital Commons @ University at Buffalo School of Law