This is an April Fool\u27s satire issue of the Grizzly newspaper entitled  Instead of The Grizzly.https://digitalcommons.ursinus.edu/grizzlynews/1138/thumbnail.jp

Wuenschel, Rosemary J.

English

Ursinus College

Ursinus CollegeDigital Commons @ Ursinus CollegeUrsinus College Grizzly Newspaper Newspapers4-4-1985The Grizzly, April 4, 1985Rosemary J. WuenschelUrsinus CollegeFollow this and additional works at: https://digitalcommons.ursinus.edu/grizzlynewsPart of the Cultural History Commons, Higher Education Commons, Liberal Studies Commons,Social History Commons, and the United States History CommonsClick here to let us know how access to this document benefits you.This Book is brought to you for free and open access by the Newspapers at Digital Commons @ Ursinus College. It has been accepted for inclusion inUrsinus College Grizzly Newspaper by an authorized administrator of Digital Commons @ Ursinus College. For more information, please contactaprock@ursinus.edu.Recommended CitationWuenschel, Rosemary J., "The Grizzly, April 4, 1985" (1985). Ursinus College Grizzly Newspaper. 138.https://digitalcommons.ursinus.edu/grizzlynews/138VOL. 1-No. 1 Twenty-five miles northwest of Pbiladelphia. April 4, 1985 . Can you find the three Houghton heads? Skippack takeover plans uncovered According to documents of a secret committee, the College is planning an invasion of Skippack Township for the purpose of expanding the campus. In memos and minutes of the Ad-hoc Committee on Territorial Expansion, a covert group made up of President Stanley Q. Stanley and board members, the plans for making Ursinus a multi-campus institution are outlined. The main offensive has already begun, according to one memo, under the guise of constructing new playing fields on the north side of campus. The memo outlines a strategy based on having the heavy equipment begin slightly earlier every day for three months. On some day in July, the plan calls for work to begin at about 5:30 a.m., when bulldozers will raze the housing development on Ninth Avenue, near Route 29. By 7 a.m., a freshly sodded hockey field will sit in-conspicuously on the once residential site. This move will quickly lead to the establishment of Ursinus College - Skippack Campus. Plans for Eagleville and Sendaii, Japan campuses are mentioned briefly in some minutes, but details of their establishment are vague. Minutes of early committee meetings indicate that the aggressive action to the north is a result of stiff resistance from the Collegeville government on the southern front. What appears to be a common bulldozer has turned out to be a key in the school's ground forces. Horsehead acquitted in vigilante slaying of 12 Charges against Philo T. Horsehead, the so-called "Reimert Vigilante," were dropped yesterday, it was an-nounced by L. Tootin Klink, Dean of Student Death. Horsehead, a sophomore chemistry major, shot and killed 12 boisterous students last Saturday night at a party in Remiert Complex. He told reporters gathered for a press conference yesterday that he had a badminton match last Sunday morning and a po chern test the next day, so he tried to get to bed early on Saturday night. But when the noise from a party three suites away kept him from sleeping, he took a loaded .38 and six extra rounds of ammo from his dresser, kicked in the window of the party suite, and fired 12 shots into the crowd. Twelve students died before the ambulance arrived. No others were injured. "I'm just sick and tired of it," Horsehead said yesterday. "I'm a serious and successful studenVathlete. These buffoons with their loud parties have no consideration for those of us who are better than they are. They're not going to screw my future up. "I just want to let them know, if they're going to party like animals, I'm going to hunt them like animals." Klink said his office has dropped the charges because Horsehead's actions are long over-due. "It's about time somebody did something about those rowdies," he said. "Horsehead's actions are not only pardonable, but com-mendable." Klink, who roams around campus on weekend nights in an effort to limit party noise, said administrative policies will not keep the campus quiet. Regretfully, he said, only physical violence will work. Rape! My editor sent me out to do a story on the series of rapes that have been committed on campus It didn't rea lly newsworthy to me. Sorry. seem "When I'm cruising around on Friday nights," he said, "don't be naive enough to think I'm not packing my .357 mag, and I'd like to use the thing, too. I really would. There are quite a few of those, smart-ass buffoons I'd like to splatter all over campus. And I would, too, if the trustees weren't always looking over my shoulder." Klink announced plans yesterday for a Philo T. Hor-sehead Day to be held later this month. He also said the . ad-ministration was considering renaming Reimert Complex "Horsehead Hall." Yesterday's press conference was interrupted several times when Ted Xaras, professor of art, stood on his chair, threw rose pedals at the podium and shouted repeatedly "we love you, baby," and "Horsehead hooray." Klink said Xaras would not be disciplined. Faculty to blossom as development fund expands Treasurer A. Lodda Cash announced Monday that the school has allocated an additional $1,250 for the college's on-going faculty development program. The extra money will be used to purchase 25 breast development kits from a mail order company that advertises in the back pages of "Cosmopolitan" magazine. The kits will be distributed among the female faculty members whose bra sizes fall short of new school standards. "It's a suction device and a vitamin program," explained a staffer in the college's procurement office. "The program has had some astounding success," he said. "Why the lady in the magazine added eight inches to her bust size in just two weeks." President Stanley Q. Stanley said the $1,250 is money well spent, because the development program is important to the school since bustier teachers will go a long way in helping the college achieve its long-term goals. According to Stanley, a well-rounded faculty is a necessity in today's tight market for student recruitment. "During the enrollment crunch, it is important that money will be no object. "We could have found cheaper ways of increasing faculty bosoms. We could have simply provided deficient teachers (DTs) with boxes of tissue paper. "But we ate after intelligent students, discriminating students, and anyone who is offered admission to Ursinus should be able to tell the dif-ference between the truly busty profs and the ones who own stock in Kleenex." The President said the development program augurs a fine future for the college. "With the help of a buxom staff, he said, "Urslnus has the potential to move into the very top level of liberal arts colleges in the east." INSIDE-Nothing You'll Want Your' Children To Read p' , J'oc,. The Grizzly -po.; April 4, 1985 ~ .. ~UIS~ )~.~IL~I~· ----L-~-te-~--~-f ~ •• I ,. ~ L . .., Wizard wants campus position Editor . .... . ... . . ..... . f balloon suit pulling a white balloon rabbit out of a gray balloon top hat. It says, "Come see Jerry Frazier, Campus Magician. Friday night at 7:30 in the Union Lounge." this fellow king? Associate Editor ........ ~:iiiiII"'~"" News and Features Edito~: Photo Editor ..... . ..... ~. Sports Editor ... : .. . .... . ~usiness Manager .. . .... . The material in this issue is written with satirical, not malicious intent. Any similarity to real people, living or dead, is intentional in most cases, but not meant to offend anyone. Editors chalenge reader's too find rnistaks We editor's get a litle tired of hearings you gripe and mone about all the spelling errors in The Grizzly. We trie. We are under staffer and over-worked. It takes ours of carful editing to eradicate all the mistakes from our paper. And the true is, they're just aren't that many. Sure, some slipe by. Well never catch them all. But the ones that do get thru our carefull eyes are not confuse the context. You know what mean. Hear's a challenge: H you think you can do better then us, trie it. Well pay 100 dollars to the first studnt who can spot a splling eror in hour news paper. H you find on, bring the papper to nn of Hall on Saturday the of between and 13: 30 pm. Well pai you on the spote. Onest. Q.Q. 3-D burgers ·win recipe contest Mrs. Eileen Dover, mother of six college students, announced Sunday that Tom Glick's "doubllHlecker burger" has won her family's second annual "Your Favorite Recipe from School Contest. " Glick's burger, submitted by Dover's son, Ben, easily out-distanced runner-up "whatever's leftover from lunch casserole," submitted by her oldest daughter, Eileen Dover II, who attends West Chester State University. Mrs. Dover said she began the contest last year much to the chagrin of her children. "They all used to come home from school for the holidays complaining about how bad the food was," she said. "So I figured 'here's my chance.' I don't think much of the kids, and the best way I can figure of getting back at the little imps is to feed them the same crap they get at school. It really tortures them. . "It's good for the budget, too," she said. "Me and my husband take the money we save and go out and get some real food." Mrs. Dover said Glick's burger recipe is a stroke of genius. "The man knows how to torture kids," she said. What he does, according to Mrs. Dover, is he takes a normal size 1h oz. burger pattie, splits it in half, and serves the two resulting 1f4 oz. patties on a doubllHlecker bun. " The kids think they're getting a real meal, but then their stomachs start growling in the afternoon, and they realize they've been ripped-off. "In time, with some luck, they'll die of malnutrition. " Mrs. Dover said she has written to Glick praising him for his ingenuity. She said she has submitted some recipes she came up with after she ran over her youngest daughters pet basset hound in the garage last year. "Glick said he liked the recipes and may try them next semester," she said. "He wants to try them out at home first, though." Dear Editor: I'm hurt. A few months ago I'm walking around campus after a party and I stop to take a leak on the west door of Bamberger's Hall, or whatever it is you call that place these days. Anyway, I see this sign on the door with some fellow in a black "J"? Dear Editor: I've got this uncle named L. William Cooney. That's how he signs all his checks. That's how all the bills that come to his house are addressed. I've always wondered why he doesn't use his real first name. So I asked him one day. Turns out his parents named him "Lamb-dung." He figured he might catch some heat in the schoolyard for that name. He finds William much less offensive, so he decided to go with that one. Now I'm forced to wonder again: based on my uncle's case, peo~le use the less offensive name. Consider Dean Kane. He calls himself "J. Houghton Kane." H "Houghton" is the least embarrassing of his two names, what in the world could that "J." stand for? Sincerely, Mr. Curious Red, White and Blue Dear Editor: I'm wearing my combat clothes. I'm carrying my rifle. Sure, war is hell, but it can be fun, too. I'm defending my country. I bleed red, white, and blue. Hove America. I hope our school hasn't been taken over by the pinkos and the queers while I've been away. Those people make me want to puke. So do the bleeding-heart liberals who defend them. I hate them, but I love America, and "Campus Magician?" Who started handing out the titles? Will this position be listed in next year's catalog? Who died and left Americans. I hope the satire issue is as funny this year as it was last year. Last year's was great. I did it. Here's a tip: remember, when all else fails, there's always facist humor. They love it. It kills them. It really does. Sincerely, Brad James I Abroad Who cares? Dear Editor: Apathy. Apathy. Apathy. Lethargy. Lethargy. Lethargy. Indifference. Indifference. Indifference. Nonchalance. Nonchalance. Nonchalance. Insouciance. Insouciance. Insouciance. Who cares? Sincerely, An unconcerned student I don't remember any an-nouncement about auditions or elections for the post. I demand that some action be taken. It smacks of favoritism if you ask me. Merlin, fonner campus magician. Do you have trouble finding time to sleep? Eat? Bathe? Are you involved in more activities than ' Dick Clark and Ed McMahon combined? If so, ioin The Ursinus College Group Organizer' 5 Group. CO., AC' Jerry Frazier-YIlI nut know fie runber by now. LETTER POLICY Letters can be written anyway you damn well please~in pencil on toilet paper, typed onto the waistband of your favorite undergarment, in ink on your roommate's forehead-we don't care. We;re not going to print them anyway_ RADIO STATION 540 AM WIOU JUST A WHISPER "The most talked about and most seldom listened to station on campus" Be sure to catch the s.ash new show "Some Dude from Omwake playing all four alhums he gol from his kid sisler for Chri3lmas. FRIDAYS AT 8 PM WIOU ..... r.I.O.I. So.. Ent.rtaln •• nt April 4. 1985 ~'b The Grizzly ------;-------------- ~~~ 0'--Page 3 Campus F ART to make cross- Atlantic journey Faculty Assistance for Readings of Tolstoy (F ART) has scheduled a radiothon for this weekend that will be aired on WIOU between 8 a.m. Saturday and 5 p.m. Sunday. A spokesman said the group hopes to raise $100,000 to "help assuage the great tragedy that has befallen our brothers in Ethiopa." F ART was established in January by several members of the English Department. The group, which has more than 50 members, all of whom are on faculty here, was founded on the . premise that there are enough groups providing Ethiopians with food and money. "They're getting plenty of that stuff," the spokesman said. "What they really need now is some Tolstoy." The spokesman said the money the group raises will be used to purchase copies of Tolstoy's novels, including "Wal' and Peace," "Anna Karenina," and "Death of Ivan." He said, "Those hungry natives will be elated when they get wind ofFART." Members of FART will be sent to Ethiopa this swnmer to roam the countryside and search for starving natives to whom they will read Tolstoy's books. "It's the very best medicine," the spokesman said. "Tolstoy is nourishment for the mind. All the lCAMPUSMEMO By President Stanley Q. Stanley About this tree thing: I had the chance to have dinner with some students and staff members, and we were all pretty much in agreement that there are a lot of trees on campus. Dr. Staiger can tell you what kind they are. He can also give you an interesting history of ea~h variety. This might com~ . m handy if you like to play TrlVlal Pursuit. Who knows? ••• ••••••••• • •• COLLEGEVILLE PHARMACEUTICALS 5TH & MAIN STREET COLLEGEVILLE, PA. ''Serving the Ursinus community s drug needs. " ••• ••••••••• • •• "The Besl Kepi Secrel In The Easl." KEEP THE MAIL. SE.D US M •• EY. , food in the world will do those people no good if they don't take care of their minds." He added, "It will be exciting for F ART Members to watch the spirits of those emaciated folks Ursinus College: College with a Difference perk up after a few chapters of "War and Peace." The spokesman said F ART will also send a pro-Theatre group on a tour of Ethiopian aid camps where they will do several per-formances of Tolstoy's . play, "The Living Corpse." "The singers sent them U~A for Mrica " the spokesman said. "All of ~ in the Ursinus Com-munity can be proud to say we're sendin themFART." Reagan picks silo site President Reagan visited campus recently to discuss his plans to build several MX missile silos in the nasal passages of college administrators. President Stanley Q. Stanley: said, "I feel as though it is my patriotic duty to support President Reagan's plan. We Presidents have to stick together." PClge 4 ~ The Grizzly ---------------------------------------- ~~~~~ April 4 , 1985 Great Moments in Ursinus History ACROSS 1 Mast 5 lift with lever 8 Heavy hammer 12 Opening In skin 13 Regret 14 Son 01 Seth 15 In music, high 16 Stops 18 Hostelry 19 Symbol lor thallium 20 Partner 21 Hebrew letter 23 Compass pOint 24 likeness 26 Animal 28 Pitchers 29 Spread lor drying 30 Chinese pagoda 32 Repetition 33 Anger 34 Chickens 35 Mature 36 One, no matter which 37 Demise 38 Decays 40 Microbe 41 Sun god 43 latin conjunction 44 Awalt settlement 45 Near 47 Collection of lacts 49 An Asian 51 Macaw 52 Multicolored 55 Transaction 56 Anglo-Saxon money 57 Strip 01 leather DOWN 1 Quarrel ~ ~~?trole 4 Again: prefix 5 Talk Idly 6 Regulation 7 Stili CROSS WORD . . PUZZLE FROM COLLEGE P.RESS SERVICE 10 Resolute 8 Symbol lor methyl 11 Anglo-Saxon slave 16 Ugly, old 9 Southern blackbird women 17 Hurried 20 Female horse 22 Babylonian deity 25 Measuring device 26 Insect 27 Vapor 28 Period of time 29 Attempt 31 Hard-wood tree 33 Those holding 011 ice 34 Flock 36 Room under roo I 37 Coarse cotton drilling 39 Faeroe Islands whirlwind 40 Italian seaport 41 Knocks 42 Ox of Celebes 44 Young salmon 45 Seed coating 46 Diplomacy 48 Everyone 50 Greek letter 51 Consumed 53 Old pronoun 54 Hebrew month 

The Grizzly, April 4, 1985

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The Grizzly, April 4, 1985

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