This NebFact explores the role of open, clear communication in developing strong families

Defrain, John

English

DigitalCommons@University of Nebraska

University of Nebraska - Lincoln DigitalCommons@University of Nebraska - Lincoln Historical Materials from University of Nebraska-Lincoln Extension Extension 2000 NF00-442 Creating a Strong Family: Positive Communication: Smoothing Out the Bumps in Family Life John Defrain University of Nebraska--Lincoln, jdefrain1@unl.edu Follow this and additional works at: https://digitalcommons.unl.edu/extensionhist  Part of the Agriculture Commons, and the Curriculum and Instruction Commons Defrain, John, "NF00-442 Creating a Strong Family: Positive Communication: Smoothing Out the Bumps in Family Life" (2000). Historical Materials from University of Nebraska-Lincoln Extension. 299. https://digitalcommons.unl.edu/extensionhist/299 This Article is brought to you for free and open access by the Extension at DigitalCommons@University of Nebraska - Lincoln. It has been accepted for inclusion in Historical Materials from University of Nebraska-Lincoln Extension by an authorized administrator of DigitalCommons@University of Nebraska - Lincoln. Nebraska Cooperative Extension NF00-442Creating a Strong Family Positive Communication: Smoothing Out the Bumps in Family Life John DeFrain, Extension Specialist, Family and Community Development  Communication is on everyone's list of the qualities of strong families. Open, honest, straightforward and clear communication. But positive communication is the key to success.  One family therapist recalled a family she had worked with. "When I asked them if they felt their communication with each other was open, honest, and straightforward and clear, they all agreed it was. Yelling at each other all the time may have all of the above qualities, but it still doesn't work," she said, smiling.  My friend Nick Stinnett, professor of Human Development and Family Studies at the University of Alabama at Tuscaloosa, likes to say that, "In the world of words, there is a way to say precisely what we would like to say but in a positive manner that ensures we will make progress in our relationships with each other." In short, stop and think for a few seconds how to re-state your feelings in a way that is not hurtful to the other family member and will help build your love for each other, rather than tear it down.  Of course the most important talk in families often tends to be spontaneous talk. This is communication when no one is really working at communication, but simply enjoying talking and listening for talking and listening's sake. How does this young person in your family feel about sex? Or grades? Or her future? If parents and children are comfortable around each other and genuinely enjoy each other's company, then all kinds of interesting and important issues will come up in the conversation.  Communication in strong families does not always produce agreement on This is one of a series of eight NebFacts, including two publications which introduce the series and provide a broader perspective. z What Is a Strong Family, Anyway?, NF00-439 z Qualities of Strong Families, NF00-446 z Appreciation and Affection: Developing an Emotional Bond, NF00-440 z Commitment: important issues. Family members are each individuals and have unique ways of looking at the world. Communication works best if they all can speak directly with each other without blaming or condemning. Even in strong families, some disagreements simply don't get resolved. People can still love each other and remain friends and loyal family members while agreeing to disagree on various issues. Religion and politics are two perennially hot topics, and the strongest of families can have members diametrically opposed in their world views. Do you want to see this type of situation as a terrible battle that just has to be fought and won or as an opportunity for personal growth and interesting discussions? Take your pick.  Troubled families tend to be overly critical and hostile in their communication with each other or deny problems and avoid verbal conflict. Either extreme gets families into trouble. A middle-ground approach, in which family members speak openly about their differences but have the grace to agree to disagree in some areas, generally works better. Parents, of course, are in charge of the family. In some cases they will find it necessary to pull rank on the children or young adults in the family, making the final decision on important issues. This has to be done with skill and care, because no one - no matter how young or inexperienced they may be - likes to feel that their thoughts and feelings do not count.  Perhaps the best way to prevent communication difficulties in a family is for everyone to learn to be extremely good listeners. Communication, first and foremost, is about listening. As one father is fond of saying, "God gave us two ears and one mouth so we would listen twice as much as we talk. I sometimes think God should have given us 10 ears for every mouth. We would get along better as human beings." Family members in strong families are adept at asking questions and do not try to read each other's minds. They also know that people's views change over time, and the only way to avoid mind reading is to check out positions regularly by asking questions.  Positive communication in strong families is about sharing feelings, giving compliments, not blaming each other, being able to compromise and agreeing to disagree. We always need to remember that it's not about winning or losing arguments. It's about working together in the family so we all can feel loving toward each other and want the best for everyone.  File NF442 under FAMILY LIFE F-22, Relationships Issued September 2000  Issued in furtherance of Cooperative Extension work, Acts of May 8 and June 30, 1914, in cooperation with the U.S. Department of Agriculture. Elbert C. Dickey, Interim Dean and Director of Cooperative Extension, University of Nebraska, Institute of Agriculture and Natural Resources.  University of Nebraska Cooperative Extension educational programs abide with the non-discrimination policies of the University of Nebraska-Lincoln and the United States Department of Agriculture.  The Family Comes First, NF00-441 z Positive Communication: Smoothing Out the Bumps in Family Life, NF00-442 z Enjoyable Time Together: A Journey of Happy Memories, NF00-443 z Spiritual Well-Being: Sacred Connections, NF00-444 z Successful Management of Stress and Crisis, NF00-445 

NF00-442 Creating a Strong Family:  Positive Communication: Smoothing Out the Bumps in Family Life

https://digitalcommons.unl.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1290&context=extensionhist

NF00-442 Creating a Strong Family: Positive Communication: Smoothing Out the Bumps in Family Life

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