"My Mother's Daughter",

Canadian Woman Studies / les cahiers de la femme (E-Journal, York University)

A Client's Thoughts on Therapy: A Victim's Views on Abuse by "My Mother's Daughter" The author of this article lives and works in a large Canadian city. She en- courages all women who are victims of abuse or violence to "break the silence" if possible; and to seek out help and support in their efforts to deal with the effects of abuse. I wish I could speak freely about this, but I cannot; the information, in the wrong hands, could be used against me: What? She's had three years of therapy, and presumes to counsel others? Imagine! She admits to having abused her child, and wants to give advice about family violence! Really! And she calls herself an educator! so -I write anonymously. Yet, I've known for some time that I have to write this in this issue, of this journal, for this audience - but most especially, for those who have grown up in similar pain and not yet sought help. The message, quite simply, is this- there is help for you, and you can change. You are not condemned to spend the rest of your life with the same dull ache of knowing that "something's wrong, or different, about me" - nor destined to helplessly repeat the mistakes of your parents in your own life. Patterns can be altered, habits can be broken, new ways of being can be learned. We called the therapist initially for marriage counselling. Things were "fall- ing apart" following the birth of our first child after over a decade of marriage. Life style changes were drastic, often unantici- pated. Adjustments were difficult, espe- cially since we both tended to avoid con- cerns rather than confront and discuss them. In the fust session, our anger, frustra- tion, and tears poured out. At the end of the hour, the therapist had one question for each of us in turn: "What do you most want from the other?" Then (to the other): "Can you try to do that?" Our relief was immense. Here was someone who had heard and accepted our pain, and could cut through the built-up emotions to point the way to action. Things could be changed! I recall the next few months of joint counselling only vaguely. There were many highs and lows - sensuous inter- ludcs and heated arguments - unlike our former state of "rolling along on two parallel tracks." We discovered the things we did which led to conflicts, explored why we acted this way, and learned how to handle issues differently. However, I knew that for me there was more to be done - I had felt for some years that I should try individual coun- selling. The therapist agreed to continue seeing me alone when our marital "work" was over. I knew that my family background had a lot to do with my sense of frustration, emptiness, and feeling different from others. My Father was an alcoholic. My parents' marriage was stormy because of this, as far back as I could remember. They finally separated after the youngest of the five children was finished high school, and I had had very little contact with Dad in the years that followed. I had also cut myself off from my Mother in many ways, resolving to do things differ- ently (and "right") with our child - none of the constant criticism, emotional cold- ness, strict controls, and physical punish- ment that I recalled from her. What I was quite unaware of (especially ironic because of my active work on so- cial issues such as sexual harassment and sex role stereotyping in my job) was how much my own stress and tension was typical of almost all women of my age group and "status" in Canada today. So- cial mobility, work place inequity, and changing marriage roles take a personal toll on us, as well as being broad catego- ries to describe group experiences. I'll never forget the day when my therapist (herself married for thirty years, with three grown children) suggested that my deep scorn for my new role as a Mother simply showed that I had accepted the "male" view of motherhood, as it were, "hook, line, and sinker!" It was like a handful of cold water in the face. Me, Women's Studies activist in a progressive educational institution, long- ing for my maternity leave to be over so I could get back to doing "something worthwhile" with my intellectual abili- ties, totally unconscious of the fact that I had internalized the most traditional, stereotyped, view of family roles! Hum- bling, indeed. Coming face to face like that with your underlying assumptions about yourself, others, and the world, is what makes ther- apy "the hardest work you'll ever do" (as my therapist often reminded me). You not only "tease out" and face unstated as- sumptions, but also emotions formerly denied, repressed, or kept out of con- scious awareness; and perhaps also emo- VOLUME 8, NUMBER 4 55 tional traumas never before admitted or disclosed.Let meexplain this alittle more for those who have never been in therapy, especially those who were victims of abuse as children, for I feel it is crucial. Think of it this way: some things in life are just too much for children to bear. Such things give us problems later in life not only because they happened to us (which was badenough), but also because we somehow had to block out or deny the pain and suffering they caused lest it overwhelm us. I see this as applying to all types of abuse - from emotional neglect, or verbal abuse, up to extreme physical and sexual abuse. In my own case, it felt even as an adult that I would "die" (emo- tionally that is) if I ever really admitted how much my Mother's psychological and physical abuse of me had hurt - how much it hurt never to have felt loved and accepted as a child. You may wonder whether it is worth it to face the pain and trauma of past abuse. It certainly isn't pleasant - I know, be- cause I have done it. However, there are two strong reasons why I would urge anyone who has been abused as a child to find a therapist they can trust and to deal with the past. One is that the coping strategies used by a helpless child to deal with abuse tend to underlie many problems with adult rela- tionships. It is only when you see where a certain tendency came from, and why, that you can begin to accept it as inappro- priate in the different circumstances of your adult life. (It took more than two years of therapy for me, for instance, to stop assuming and expecting that my husband would leave "someday" like my Father had - despite the fact that we had then been married over fifteen years! "Just because he hasn't left yet, doesn't mean he won't leave tomorrow," I'd say to my therapist. I know now that such an absence of basic trust in people came from the abuse I had endured.) From my personal experience, there is a second, even more urgent, reason for dealing with the past; if you don't (or when you don't) you run a much higher risk of repeating the abuse yourself, as it is your model from the past, upon which you may fall back in times of great stress. Adamant as I was about condemning my Mother's harshness, I found myself get- ting out of conuoI in using physical force on our child as he "tantrummed" his way into the "terrible two's." The feeling of "becoming what I most hated in my Par- ent" was truly terrifying. It was not until t+e therapist guided and supported me through admitting and feeling the pain and rage I had denied all those years, that I was able to conclude: "It is wrong to abuse a child. She was wrong to abuse me. I didn't deserve it. No one deserves abuse. My child doesn't deserve abuse. I WILL NOT ABUSE MY CHILD!" On the issue of child abuse, I found the books by Alice Miller, Christine Her- bruck, and Eliana Gil most helpful. A local parenting course, and authors such as Penelope Leach and Stanley Green- span, provided alternate strategies and ideas for dealing with conflicts.l As I explained earlier, when weentered couple therapy I had no idea that abuse would emerge as a key issue for me. In fact, I blamedmost of ourproblems on my husband, not on my ways of relating to him. Convenient, but too simplistic, I now realize! I knew that I didn't want to redo all the things I had hated my Mother for, but I had no idea how deeply they had scarred me. I can see now that the verbal criticism devastated my sense of self worth. Having a Mother who alternately took care of me and physically abused me, and an often-absent Father who couldn't protect me from her, also left me unable to trust and depend on others. As I explored these aspects of myself, I suddenly un- derstood the shock of recognition and empathy I had experienced when reading about the effects of child sexual abuse or incest: although the nature of the trauma was different, the damage to the psyche was substantially the I have also learned that many children of alcoholics share a definable set of psychological tendencies which affect later life and relationships. As a child, I was very aware of the way in which al- coholism prevented us from having a normal family life. However, I did not previously understand that habits of thinking and behaving developed to ac- commodate the alcoholism would cany over into adulthood. It seems to me now that, if you have any of the following in your family background, you should consider yourself potentially "at risk for psychological problems: drug or alcohol use; any abuse (severe criticism, physical punishment, or forced sexual contacts); and divorce, separation, long-term paren- tal conflict, or family violence. A good therapist will help you resolve issues from such past problems. When I entered therapy, I felt over- whelmed by all the thlngs I suspected were wrong with me. Some of these have changed or improved three years later. Others, I now realize, will mark me for- ever- but 1 canaccept them more readily ' knowing where they came from. I have a better sense of what was not my fault, and what I have to take total responsibility for. I don't feel I am leaving therapy "cured" (that is, "perfect," as I expected when I started); but rather with the wry, tolerant wisdom that comes of having faced my own personal hell in an environment in which it was safe to do so, and with someone skilled and caring enough to help me through it. Therapy is a journey of self-discovery which may change you forever. I have referred several times to "a good therapist." One of my main reasons for writing this article was because I have heard so many stories of women with "bad" experiences of therapy that I wanted to try and convey a sense of what "good therapy" feels like. Your therapist should be interested in, accept, and value what you say -she should come to know "how it feels to be you." She should be human and sharing of herhis own experi- ences, not cold and impersonal, for the therapist can be a powerful role model of "a different way of being" due to the intensity of the relationship. Once a solid basis of trust has been established, she should challenge you to interpret things differently: "What if ... ? Why didn't ... ? Did you ever consider...?" All these things help to make personal change eas- ier for the client. In the early sessions, you ask yourself is this the therapist for you? You need someone to whom you can tell "all the secrets" You want to tell them now - someone has to know someone has to help the "little-girl inside" who is hurting so badly. You've protected her all these years, but you can't help her alone You need someone who will simply, and gently, say as they hear "the secrets" you've never disclosed before: "...and what else? and what else? ..." someone who would hold you and congfort you i f ,  like me, you finally admit it was that that you've longed for all those years. ~ I found her - I hope others in need will too. CANADIAN WOMAN STUDIESLES CAHIERS DE LA FEMME 'On child abuse: Gil, Eliana M., Outgrowing the Pain: A Book For and About Adults Abused As Children. SanFrancisco: Launch Press, 1983. (An excellent introduction - deals with all types of abuse). Herbruck, Christine Comstock, Breaking the Cycle of ChildAbuse. Minneapolis: Winston Press, 1979. (Written by the sponsor of a Parents Anonymous group - a self-help group for abusive par- ents. These "real-life" stories gave me hope at a critical time). Miller, Alice, For Your Own Good: Hid- den Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence. New York: Farrar Suaus Giroux, 1983. (I suggest reading this first, of her three books). Miller, Alice, The Drama of the Gifted Child. New York: Basic Books, 1981. (If the terminology is confusing, read her other books first). Miller, Alice. Thou Shalt Not Be Aware: Society's Betrayal of the Child. New York: New American Library, 1984. On Parenting: Greenspan, Stanley I. (and Greenspan, Nancy Thorndike), First Feelings: Milestones in the Emotional Develop- ment of Your Baby and Child. New York: Viking Press, 1985. (Birth to Age Four. A section at the end of each unit helps parents understand their own responses to their child, pointing out how personality style and past history may affect this. Leach, Penelope, Your Baby and Child: From Birth to Age Five. New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1977 and 1978. (The one book I believe all new parents should own). Tor  example, Golden, Judith, "Incest: It's Time to Talk About It,"in Camdim Woman Studies, 4:4, (Summer 1983), pp. 82-84. 3I first encountered this term ("little-girl inside") in Eichenbaum, Louise and Orbach, Susie, Understanding Women: A Feminist Psychoanalytic Approach. New York: Basic Books, 1983. (Covers a wide range of counselling modes, and includes descriptions of stages of a feminist psychotherapy relationship which I also found personally helpful). TOO FEW TO COUNT Canadian Women in Conflict with the Law T o o  Few To Count is an i n c ~ s ~ v e  and cuntrovers~al book about women and crlme In Canada. Its nine artrcles challenge t rad~ t~ona l  theories of female c r ~ m ~ n a l ~ t y  and examine the consequences for women ot a c r ~ m ~ n a l  justlce system designed for, created and controlled by men Wr~t ten by some of the most respected people 111 the f~e ld ,  t h ~ s  book helps f i l l  a huge gap In c r~m~no logv  l~terature T o o  Few To Count 1s espec~ally valuable in presenting an accurate plcture of who the women <ire who come Into conflict w ~ t h  the law, and In clearly establ~sh~ng the relat~onsh~p between women's infer~or soc~al and economlc status and the crlmes they commit Intended to provoke debate and d~scus.~on about the treatment of women by the courts and prlsons, Too Few To Count makes an Important contr~but~on to a fem~n~s t  analys~s of these issues Recommended for course use. Women's Studies/Cr~m~nology/Soc~ologv 5%" X 83/2", 2 5 6 ~ ~  8 BLW photos ISBN 0-88794-009-7 W press prng puhllsI~i~r~ S14 95 pb 6C3 Powi l Street Lancouver R V6- Id?  BEYOND PATRIARCHY Essays by Men on Pleasure, Power, and Change Edited by Michael Kaufman A provocative and ground-breaking book about inan's changingrole in society - by men, about men Men's domination and women's oppression is based within - and perpetuated by - a broad range of social structures, from the most intimate of sexual relations to the organization of economic and political life. Beyond Patriarchy addresses these relations of power at both levels; it explores the links between the individual man and the social structures of male domination, be- tween the past and the present; and looks with a critical yet compassionate eye at the worlds of men at work and at play in litera- ture and in the cinema, in politics and in science. The title does not suggest that any of the authors thinks he has transcended sexism and the society in which he lives. Rather, it suggests the need to develop both the understanding and the personal and social activities that will enable men to make a strong contribu- tion to the struggle against patriarchy in its myriad of forms. The contributions by eighteen men - from Canada, the U.S, England, and Australia - are wide- ranging, perceptive, critical, and hopeful. Paperbound $17.95 Oxford University Press, Canada L VOLUME 8, NUMBER 4 57 

A Client's Thoughts on Therapy: A Victim's Views on Abuse

https://cws.journals.yorku.ca/index.php/cws/article/download/11903/10986

A Client's Thoughts on Therapy: A Victim's Views on Abuse

Abstract

Similar works

Full text

Available Versions

Canadian Woman Studies / les cahiers de la femme (E-Journal, York University)