Humorous poem by Bangladeshi poet Kaiser Haq

Haq, Kaiser

Kaiser Haq

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East and West: A Plan for World Peace

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 Kaiser Haq. ‘East and West: A Plan for World Peace.’ Transnational Literature Volume 1 No 2 May 2009 http://fhrc.flinders.edu.au/transnational/home.html  East And West: A Plan for World Peace  East is East and West is West, and never the twain shall meet. – Rudyard Kipling  Shit is holy! – Allen Ginsberg   Thanks to Uncle Freud we know How seemingly trivial things like jokes Or a slip of the tongue Can open a trapdoor  To the turgid depths of the Unconscious, Its unsuspected eddies And cross And countercurrents.   Other little things too,  I dare say, Are loaded with (hidden) meaning… Umm…take for instance Styles of cleanliness Which, it’s said, Is next to Godliness –  Enough to tell you There’s more to it Than meets the eye.   Consider the ways we clean genitals or bottoms, See how culture locks us into intractable difference. You could sum it up in a smart soundbite: EAST IS WASH, WEST IS WIPE!   True, And yet, Like all binary oppositions, Readily deconstructed. The Chinese are wipers,   Kaiser Haq. ‘East and West: A Plan for World Peace.’ Transnational Literature Volume 1 No 2 May 2009 http://fhrc.flinders.edu.au/transnational/home.html   2Their ancient forebears in fact Invented toilet paper! The French on the other hand Invented the bidet –  One reason why Anglo-Saxons consider them rather peculiar! Ancient Romans used a stick Attached to sponge and soaked in brine – Something like a modern toilet cleaner. Before toilet paper in the West Rags, straw, leaves, what have you, Or, as Dryden’s ‘MacFlecknoe’ reminds us, Remaindered books; and across The Atlantic, the Sears Catalogue Came in handy for a wipe. Eskimos used snow or tundra grass, Arabs sand and pebbles. And the Maori, Hottentot, Amerindians and all Our other cousins Packed tight into this topsy-turvy planet? Scope for serious research here And interventions for the cause of world peace! Let us break down silly prejudice!   A friend got into an argument with a Westerner. ‘How,’ said one, ‘can you bear to touch Your unclean bum with your hand?’ ‘And how can you,’ the other came back, ‘Leave a layer of shit on yours?’ Gentlemen! Gentlemen! one would feel like interjecting, It’s terrible that we don’t revere  Each other’s gods – let us at least Respect each other’s bottoms! In the ways we clean up There’s variety to rejoice over – not cavil –    And even lessons in philosophy : 60% of Westerners   Kaiser Haq. ‘East and West: A Plan for World Peace.’ Transnational Literature Volume 1 No 2 May 2009 http://fhrc.flinders.edu.au/transnational/home.html   3Wipe back to front And take a good look at the soiled paper Before dropping it in the bowl –  Isn’t it piquant homage To the Socratic injunction Know Thyself?   Let us therefore give the matter due attention, Let us organize televised toilet festivals Where UN ambassadors from every nation Will discuss and demonstrate varied means Of washing and wiping. Let 5-star hotels And holiday resorts Offer a sampling of exotic toilets: Igloo toilets dispensing snow and tundra grass, Desert tent toilets with sand and pebbles, Elizabethan toilets equipped with rags, Augustan ones with first editions of Thomas Shadwell, American ones with 19th century Sears catalogues, Roman toilets where guests in togas Apply a saline sponge-tipped stick, Southasian toilets where guests in lungi or dhoti Pour water out of lota or bodna As they wash.   Already, We can proudly report, The nations have been drawing closer To each other’s toilet habits – Every corner shop here is well-stocked With toilet rolls, And judging by testimony on the net Westerners seem happy Directing a jet of water bottomwards From an innovative nozzle Before they wipe – All without encouragement   Kaiser Haq. ‘East and West: A Plan for World Peace.’ Transnational Literature Volume 1 No 2 May 2009 http://fhrc.flinders.edu.au/transnational/home.html   4From government or international agencies.   A little concerted effort To further the process And we’ll have a better world by far. And so, Let world leaders gathering To talk peace Generate mutual goodwill By cleaning each other’s bottoms! Should they still  Grumble and growl Mahatma Gandhi from high heaven  Will pipe in: ‘Stop all this hungamma! Have an enema!’  Kaiser Haq   

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East and West: A Plan for World Peace

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