They're among the most vexing questions parents face: How hard do you push your child? How much is enough? When do you back off?Story by Eric Adler ; illustrations by Travis Foste

Adler, Eric

English

University of Missouri: MOspace

22 Pare~  without PUSHING ER I C ADLER' ILLUSTRAT I ONS DV TRAV I S FOSTER THEy'RE AMONG THE MOST VEXING QUESTIONS lli\llENTS FACE: How HARI) DO YOU PUSH YOUR CHILD? How MUCH IS ENOUGH? WHEN DO YOU Il}\CK OFF? Say your child is a gifcc(1 scholar. ntbletc, nllls ician or artist. in fact , in YOllr mind your boy has enough raw talent to become the next Stephen Hawking. Yo- Yo Ma 01" Tiger Woods. If only she worked harder. you think, your daughter could be the next Kerri Strugg, Meryl Streep or Ruth nuder Ginsburg:. But right now your child seems less t hun lllotivatc{1. What (10 you do? Do you push him to practice, even when he balks? Do you pusl} beT to compete, figuring she' ll thank you later? And what if the issue is not g rell t talent? All YOli really wunt is for your daughter to live lip to her potential, for your SOil to do his best. But can it be achieved without pressure? Put simply, in this era of latchkey ki<ls, time-strappcd parents and single-family homes, is there such a thing as perfect parenting without pushing? The short answer, according to four MU expcrts, is a qualified yes, and the bcst approach is to start on the right foot. T o PUSH on NOT TO PUSI'I 'Th Jim Koller, the (Iue.~(ion of how milch or littlc parcnts shoukl push isn't even an issue. As a professor ill the educutiollul and counseling psychology department, Koller sces an increasing number of children t reated for everyth ing from academic diffi-culties to depres~ ion. Koller believes that parcntal pressure mny be n ~ignificant cause of sneh problems. Which is why, he says, " ( think pushing, generally, is wrong. Encouraging would be a much better approach. If that doesn't work, back off and re-evaluate." Of course Kolle r knows that most pnr_ ents ache for their children to stlccee(1 in this competitive world. Pushy parents most of tell shove out of love. They want to pro-v ide for their kids as best they ca rl. Hut t he key, he says, is to spend that same love and encouragement un rewarding both effort and performance. " It 's 01(1 and trite," he says, "but I think it's true. It gets back tu pa rents offering luve and approba-m!ZOII WINTER !999 \VINTP.R 1999 IllZUI 23 tion, and making t heir kids feel good about themselves." \Vhen parents feel like pushing, Koller says , they should first t ry to understand their child ren 's needs, wants al\(l desirc~. Second, they should look at their own motivation for pushing. Many busy parents push because they haven·t the t ilTie to do diffcre nt1y. Others push outof It misgui(lec\ se llseo f howwpromote excellence or because they, themsdvcs. we re pushed Hu t just bccau,"e Dad was a hig Imskel_ ball staf. Koller says , docsn'r mean Junior has to he. He may not huve the ability or d esire. He may bcscure(l. Por cvery pushy paren t attempting to c rcate a Tiger \Vood s, there are 11lultitmles of others whose kids, in contempt, (Urll to blocks of wood. '· \Vbat you (lon't want to (10 is push someone so much t hat they either . ~rop trying or they fail," Koller says ·'The first thillg parents need to recognize is the individual strengths and weakness-esoftheirch.ild. " Those strength s and weaknesses then need to be measure<1 against family and societal valnes, parental expectations and exactly how tho.~e expectations bave beell cOlllmunlcate{1. By example? \Vith kind_ ness? By yell ing? Let's say your child COIllCS homc with a had grade. "YOIl wa ll t to communicate that, a lthollgh YOl I may not like the g ra(lc, that docs not mea II you do not like dlcchild as a persun,·' Kolle r says. " It is nor a malter ofpu~hing. It i~ a lIIaU.er of encoll raging :uul being realistic" My PIWM ISING PROGEN Y But w hat if your thild is talented? \VOIl't pllshillg ellcourage that? Mayhe. Bllt Doug Ahrams doubts it. Law Professor Abrams is a furmer All -East collegc hockey playe r w ho, for 30 ),ears, ha~ cuache{1 youth hocke)" including a natiunal d lllmp i_ onship team in 1988. He is pres ident Il f the JefTe r.~on City Youth I-[ockey Program. Abrams' experience with kids, sports and pushy parents tells him t his: There's only one \Vayne Gretzky. One Michael Jordan. O ne Joe Montana. One Rebecca Lobo, Uunnie utair and Jackie Joyner-Kersee. Says Ahrams: "You almost have a better chance of winning the lottery than of getting),ollr kid into the N IlA ." l3ack in the 1970s, Ahrams coache(1 kids. " In the '90s, [ also have to coach the parents." T he lesson he impresses upon them: Stop. Stop forcing your kids to compere. Stop pressing your kids to win. And stop pu~hing, because you're taking the fUll out of sports. And that's not just Abrams ta lking, it's research. A 1980.'1 Michiga n State University sports survey of 26,000 kids did find at least some good news: More t han half of American youngsters partici_ PARENTIN G QUIZ 24 Q.: What's the biggest reason kids A: Slow und steady wins t he race. quit s ports1 &~~l '\~~:k~e, ~I~~)ll~g~~l tt~l:eyc:;eg~~~ a A: Pllshy parents and coaehcs take the fUll out. Solution: Give young arb- Children thrive on family routines letes puts Oil the back whether they're experiencing the thrill uf victory or the agony of defeat. Q.: Do you expect your SOli or daughter to wju soccer gam es in return for your investment in equipment and travel? A: If the answcr is ycs, you're being hyper-comp etit ive. Chill out. Q.: How can parents h elp kids bounce back after a trauma? A: g:~~t~::~:~lt:l l~~~~~~ s~o:~~~:rj's got to bring home the pizza. Q.: Which behavior should p ar-ents reward: earnest effort or good performance? A: Both. IIiZZOII pute{1 in an org:lIlized sport- anything from archery to soccer to gymnastics. '· But the bad new:;,·' Abrams :say:s, "was that ha lf (Iuil by age 12 ull{lth ree_'llIar_ [crs{juit hy age 15.·' \Vh)'? Reasons rangcli from finding swcetheu rts [0 get-ting dr iver·s licenses. Bul nlO.~t often, kids sa id ti le ir parents amI clHlc hes were spoil -iugt11C fun . Abrams says thal sO llle youth-league coaches suffer from wlUlt he has (Iuhhed ti le '·Vince Lombanli synd rome," after the legendary Green Uay Puckers coach. " They s it hehi nd a desk ull week, put a w ll is tle around their necks on the week-cnd and expect the kid:s 111 be miniature pl·OS," Abralllssays Some parents promote thi s cxccss. With equ ipment, t ravel, 1"00(1 and regis-trat ion fees, youth sports fh ese days cun cost big bucks, as much as $800 u season . " A lot ofparellts are sayi ng, ' l fwc're putting money into t hat, we want u re turn, ' "A bramssays. "Thisauittl(le only puts unhea lthy pressurc 011 thc ki<ls." PJ'cssure to compete. Pressure to w in. Instend, says Abrams: ·· The ult imate return sh oul<1 be the child's fUll and ful _ fullment- lifdollg IILe ll Lorics that IllI1ll CY ca ll 'tbuy." About J 0 ycars ago, Abrams say~, '· 1 had a player who missc{1 a couple of prac_ tices. And th is wa~ a kid who nCVCL· missed a practice cvcr. Whell he callie back, I said, '\Vhat Imppcllc{l? Did you have the flu?' He said , ' I jllst did n't think I wantcd to play anymore. My father makes me feel stupid every time [ play.' . Abrams says parents sllOukl watch for sylliptom,~ that t.he filII has gone out of sport: li s tl e.~sness on the p luying field; fe igned i1Jn e.~ses or ot:herexclises to avoid attending practices; misleadi ng or failing to inform parent:.~ about upcom ing cOlllpe_ tition.~. " Many children res ist tel ling their parents, ' I don't want to play,'" Abrams says. "The parent.s should be smart enough to know." Youngsters thri ve on positive rei nforce_ ment, Abrams says: " Parents havc to learn to leave the game af. the ha ll field. I f the WINTER [999 team wins, pat the kid on the back. If they lose, still pat the kid on the back." PLEASE GET WELL- Now! \Vhen parents push, it's not always toward perfection. Sometimes it's away from pain. Although kids truly are resilient, parents occasionally misjudge , urging them to get better too fast. The ways in which children's lives can overflow are familiar to Associate Professor Larry Kreuger of the School of Social \Vork. Two of his studies examine the emotional aftermath of more than 13,000 children in 16 Missouri counties affected by the Midwestern flood of 1993. " In a nutshell," Kreuger says, "up to a year later, 90 percent of the children were doing just fine. That is one important mes-sage. But 10 percent had not fully recov-ered." On psychological tests, they scored above normal for anxiety and depression . " In a lot of ways, parenu underestimate the traumas their children may have gone through ." That error may stem from the some-WINTER 1999 times misleading symptoms of long_term trauma in children. Instead of being shak-en or scared, traumatized kids may end up acting overly sweet and angelic. They may hide-for Mom and Dad's sake--the fact that everything is awful. "If I act happy," they think, "perhaps Mom and Dad will get over their sadness." But behavior is never that simple. Other children couldn't sleep; wouldn't eat; cleaned excessively; cried in fear when their mothers or fathers left the room ; worried excessively about rain , even in normal weather; had memory problems; were restless; or withdrew emotionally. "The flood """as particularly problem_ atic because it was particularly long-last_ ing, " Kreuger says." It wasn't like a fire that flashed through where people could see things regenerate. Lives were disrupt-ed for an extremely long time." Kreuger's advice: \\'batever the trau_ ma, parenu should take care not to under-estimate hidden psychological and emo_ tional effects. \\'ben in doubt. seek pro-fessional counseling. Ramer than pushing ~ lllOI a child to feel better fast-"Don't worry, Kiddo, you're fine. "-Kreuger prefers a more patterned approach. He says chil-dren benefit greatly from routine during stressful times: wake_up times, bedtimes, shared meals. Also, Kreuger says, include children in making plans. Set family time aside where everyone can be together. "Allow them (children] to get control of their own destinies. " You SAY PUSH, I SAY POLISH To be sure, this isn't to suggest that all pushing is prohibited. Or that parents be namby-pamby. Far from it. Settingexpec. tations and exacting discipline, says Kathy Thornburg, are parental responsi-bilities. If parents err regarding pushing, says the professor of human development and family studies, it's in either pushing too much or not at all. \Vhile some parenu create boundaries so tight as to be suffo-cating and goals so high as to be out of reach, others establish no goals, bound-aries and expectations '\\'hauvcver. Extremes on both ends bother Thornburg. In one scenario, the Iitde Buster takes over. " \\'t! 've all seen something as simple as the parent in the grocery store dealing with a child fUSSing over a candy bar." Thornburg says. "It becomes easier to give in to tbe child's demands rather than to teach the child what 'no' means. I see tbat coming from guilt-parents not spending as much time with the child as they want to. " It's difficult , Thornburg say!, because teaching takes time. But teaching, not pushing, is a parental obligation. It's part of what parenting is all about. The flip side , Thornburg says, is that it's often easier for parenu to push too hard, " to make demands on children in a forceful way." rather than take time to teach children self_control. But that, too, is a parent's job. " It 's not about pushing, " Thornburg says. " It comes under the rubric of diSCipline and guidance.". 25 

Parenting without pushing

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Parenting without pushing

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