During conflict mediation children learn the skills necessary to reach peaceful resolutions. These skills involve communication, compromise, the ability to see how different aspects of a dispute are related and the ability to consider their own perspective as well as that of another person.
Adults play an important role in the socialization of children. They help children develop social skills. This NebFact discusses how to teach children to resolve conflicts

Bosch, Kathy

DeFrain, John

Hanna, Janet S.

Kostelnik, Marjorie

Krumbach, Eileen

Nelson, Mary

Purcell, Sarah Effken

Schroeder, Debra E.

English

DigitalCommons@University of Nebraska

University of Nebraska - Lincoln DigitalCommons@University of Nebraska - Lincoln Historical Materials from University of Nebraska-Lincoln Extension Extension 2005 NF05-628 Helping Children Resolve Conflict Conflict Mediation Model Marjorie Kostelnik University of Nebraska - Lincoln, mkostelnik2@unl.edu Debra E. Schroeder University of Nebraska - Lincoln, dschroeder1@unl.edu Sarah Effken Purcell University of Nebraska - Lincoln, spurcell2@unl.edu Mary Nelson University of Nebraska - Lincoln, mnelson1@unl.edu Eileen Krumbach University of Nebraska&#8211Lincoln, ekrumbach1@unl.edu See next page for additional authors Follow this and additional works at: https://digitalcommons.unl.edu/extensionhist  Part of the Agriculture Commons, and the Curriculum and Instruction Commons Kostelnik, Marjorie; Schroeder, Debra E.; Purcell, Sarah Effken; Nelson, Mary; Krumbach, Eileen; Hanna, Janet S.; Bosch, Kathy; and DeFrain, John, "NF05-628 Helping Children Resolve Conflict Conflict Mediation Model" (2005). Historical Materials from University of Nebraska-Lincoln Extension. 1750. https://digitalcommons.unl.edu/extensionhist/1750 This Article is brought to you for free and open access by the Extension at DigitalCommons@University of Nebraska - Lincoln. It has been accepted for inclusion in Historical Materials from University of Nebraska-Lincoln Extension by an authorized administrator of DigitalCommons@University of Nebraska - Lincoln. Authors Marjorie Kostelnik, Debra E. Schroeder, Sarah Effken Purcell, Mary Nelson, Eileen Krumbach, Janet S. Hanna, Kathy Bosch, and John DeFrain This article is available at DigitalCommons@University of Nebraska - Lincoln: https://digitalcommons.unl.edu/extensionhist/1750 •	 Give	the	children	lots	of	time	to	form	their	thoughts	and	speak.	A	question	that	can	be	answered	with	yes	or	no	is	not	an	open-ended	question.Conflict Mediation ModelConflict mediation involves walking children through a series of steps beginning with problem identification and ending	with	 the	 implementation	of	 a	mutually	 satisfactory	solution. Finally, it can be announced the conflict has ended. You’ll	provide	more	or	less	direction	as	necessary	until	some	conclusion	is	reached.	The	aim	of	the	process	is	not	for	you	to	dictate	how	children	should	solve	their	problem,	but	help	them	figure out a solution on their own. Things/items, territory and rights are instances that can be mediated/negotiated. Status, defending	 others,	 attention	 and	 care,	 and	 situation	 ground	rules	are	not	things	that	can	be	negotiated.Step 1: Initiating the mediation process.Assume	the	role	of	a	nonpartial	mediator.	Accomplish	this	by	stopping	the	aggressive	behavior,	separating	the	children	and defining the problem. It is important to get down to eye level	with	 the	children.	You	may	have	 to	position	yourself	between	 the	 children	 in	 order	 to	 help	 them	 focus	 on	 the	problem	rather	than	the	object,	territory	or	right.	This	helps	the	children	approach	a	highly	emotional	situation	in	a	more	objective	manner.Step 2: Clarifying each child’s perspective.Ask	each	child	in	turn	to	state	what	he	or	she	wants	from	the	situation.	Allow	each	child	ample	time,	without	interruption,	to	state	what	they	want.	This	step	is	critical	and	the	children	must	trust	that	you	will	not	make	an	arbitrary	decision	in	favor	NF628Helping Children Resolve ConflictConflict Mediation ModelDeveloped by Marjorie Kostelnik, Dean of College of Education & Human SciencesAdapted for Extension Use by Debra Schroeder, Extension Educator; Sarah Effken Purcell, Extension Educator;Mary Nelson, Extension Educator; Eileen Krumbach, Extension Educator; Janet Hanna, Extension Educator;Dr. Kathy Bosch, Extension Specialist; Dr. John DeFrain, Extension SpecialistDuring conflict mediation children learn the skills necessary to reach peaceful resolutions. These skills involve com-munication,	compromise,	the	ability	to	see	how	different	aspects	of	a	dispute	are	related	and	the	ability	to	consider	their	own perspective as well as that of another person. At first children need a great deal of support to proceed all the way to a negotiated	settlement.	The	adult	mediator	provides	this	support,	serving	as	an	instructor.	As	children	learn	problem-solving	procedures	and	words,	they	become	increasingly	capable	of	solving	problems	for	themselves.	There	is	evidence	that	these	childhood	learnings	are	maintained	throughout	the	adult	years.	Like	any	other	social	skills,	children	require	numerous	op-portunities to practice conflict resolution under the guidance of a more experienced person.Adults	 play	 an	 important	 role	 in	 the	 socialization	 of	children.	They	help	children	develop	social	skills.	Children	between	ages	3	and	10	need	to	have	positive	give-and-take	social	interactions.	They	need	mini-lessons	on	how	to	cultivate	positive	interactions	between	themselves	and	others	in	their	social	network.	Anyone	who	has	more	than	two	children	in	their care will encounter conflict.With practice using the eight-step conflict resolution/me-diation	model	you	can	successfully	guide	children	through	resolving their conflicts. This model can be used with	children	who	have	developed	skills	and	can	verbalize	their	feelings,	usually	age	three	or	older.The role of the adult/mediator in this model is very important.	Key	points	to	remember	when	implementing	the	model	with	the	children	are:•	 Physical	contact	with	children	is	very	important.	Hold	the	children.	You	may	rub	their	backs	during	the	inter-action	to	reinforce	your	support	for	each	child.	(Not	all children want to be touched. If a child pulls away, look	into	the	situation	deeper.)•	 Ask,	“What	happened	here?”	Make	sure	each	child	is	given uninterrupted time to explain their view of the situation,	within	boundaries.•	 Accept	 and	 reinforce	 the	 solution	 agreed	on	by	 the	children. It may not make sense to you.•	 Remain	calm	at	all	times	during	the	process.	Use	simple	concrete	 language.	 Paraphrase	 any	 language	 that	 is	hurtful. End with an open-ended question. Example: “Neither	one	of	you	are	getting	what	you	want.	What	do	you	want?”Index: family LifeRelationshipsIssued March 2005Extension is a Division of the Institute of Agriculture and Natural Resources at the University of Nebraska–Lincoln cooperating with the Countiesand the United States Department of Agriculture.University of Nebraska–Lincoln Extension educational programs abide with the nondiscrimination policies of the University of Nebraska–Lincolnand the United States Department of Agriculture.© 2005, The Board of Regents of the University of Nebraska on behalf of the University of Nebraska–Lincoln Extension.  All rights reserved.of	one	of	the	children.	Paraphrasing	each	child’s	point	of	view	is	very	important	to	this	step.	Children	may	need	your	help	to	tell	what	they	really	want.Step 3: Summing up.This	step	happens	when	you	have	been	able	to	get	from	each	 child	 enough	 information	 to	 understand	 each	 child’s	perception of the conflict. You then define the dispute in mu-tual	terms,	making	clear	that	each	child	has	responsibility	for	both	the	problem	and	its	solution.	Basically,	you	state	that	a	problem exists and that a solution must be found.Step 4: Generating alternatives.Ask	for	suggestions	from	the	children	involved	and	from	bystanders.	Each	time	a	possible	solution	is	offered,	paraphrase	it	to	the	children	directly	involved.	Ask	each	child	to	think	about	whether	this	solution	will	work	for	them.	Work	with	the	children	to	brainstorm	as	many	possible	solutions	for	the	situation	as	they	can.	Be	cautioned	that	each	child	should	be	a	willing	participant	in	the	outcome	and	that	no	alternative	should be forced on any child. It is typical during this pro-cedure	for	children	to	reject	some	alternatives	that	they	may	later find acceptable. Therefore, when a suggestion is repeated, you	should	present	it	rather	than	assume	it	will	be	rejected	again. Sometimes during this process the child may tire and choose to walk away from the process. If the child insists on solving	the	problem	by	giving	up,	respect	the	decision.	With	practice,	children	will	increase	their	skills	and	will	be	better	able	to	deal	with	the	time	needed	to	negotiate	a	settlement	that	makes	both	happy.Step 5: Agreeing on a solution.Children	will	reject	certain	suggestions	outright	and	will	indicate	that	others	seem	more	acceptable.	The	ultimate	goal	is	to	help	children	create	a	plan	of	action	that	is	mutually	satisfy-ing. The final agreement usually involves some give and take by	both	children	and	may	not	represent	the	action	the	child	would	take	if	the	youngster	did	not	have	to	consider	another	person’s	point	of	view.	When	a	solution	has	been	reached,	it	is	important	to	announce	that	a	resolution	has	been	reached	and to state the exact details of the agreement.Step 6: Reinforcing the problem-solving process.Praise	children	for	working	hard	and	agreeing	on	a	solu-tion.	The	message	to	be	communicated	is	that	the	process	of	reaching	 the	solution	 is	as	 important	as	 the	solution	 itself.	Achieve	this	by	acknowledging	the	emotional	investment	each	child had in the original conflict and the hard work involved in	reaching	an	agreement.Step 7: Following through.Help	children	carry	out	the	terms	of	the	agreement.	Ac-complish	this	by	reminding	children	of	the	terms	and,	if	nec-essary,	physically	assisting	or	demonstrating	how	to	comply.	The	solution	may	not	make	sense	to	you,	but	it	is	important	to	enforce the details as the children agreed to them. It is critical that	you	follow	through	and	reinforce	the	solution	agreed	on.	If not, the children will not trust you in this process in the future. If the plan begins to fall apart, the children should be brought	together	again	to	discuss	possible	revisions.Step 8: Announce the conflict is over.As	the	negotiation	process	is	going	on,	all	the	children	in	the	room	will	be	involved	and	listening	because	they	are	interested.	As	others	are	listening,	they	will	also	be	learning	the process and will trust you to handle future conflicts. It is important that all the children know the conflict has been successfully	resolved.Studies show that using this model for conflict resolu-tion is successful. It helps children reduce their aggression and expands their ability to resolve conflicts on their own. Children who participate in conflict mediation on a regular basis	improve	in	their	ability	to	engage	in	the	process.	Over	time,	children	increase	the	number	and	variety	of	solutions	they	suggest	and	decrease	the	amount	of	time	needed	to	ne-gotiate	a	settlement.Additional ResourcesNebFact 153, Consistency in DisciplineNebFact 152, Why Children MisbehaveReferenceKostelnik, M., Whiren, A., Soderman, A., Gregory, K., and Stein, L. Guiding Children’s Social Development: Theory to Practice, 4th Edition.	Albany,	 New	York:	 Delmar,	2002.UNL Extension publications are available online at	http://extension.unl.edu/publications.

NF05-628 Helping Children Resolve Conflict \u3cem\u3eConflict Mediation Model\u3c/em\u3e

UNL | Libraries

University of Nebraska - Lincoln 
DigitalCommons@University of Nebraska - Lincoln 
Historical Materials from University of 
Nebraska-Lincoln Extension Extension 
2005 
NF05-628 Helping Children Resolve Conflict Conflict Mediation 
Model 
Marjorie Kostelnik 
University of Nebraska - Lincoln, mkostelnik2@unl.edu 
Debra E. Schroeder 
University of Nebraska - Lincoln, dschroeder1@unl.edu 
Sarah Effken Purcell 
University of Nebraska - Lincoln, spurcell2@unl.edu 
Mary Nelson 
University of Nebraska - Lincoln, mnelson1@unl.edu 
Eileen Krumbach 
University of Nebraska&#8211Lincoln, ekrumbach1@unl.edu 
See next page for additional authors 
Follow this and additional works at: https://digitalcommons.unl.edu/extensionhist 
 Part of the Agriculture Commons, and the Curriculum and Instruction Commons 
Kostelnik, Marjorie; Schroeder, Debra E.; Purcell, Sarah Effken; Nelson, Mary; Krumbach, Eileen; Hanna, 
Janet S.; Bosch, Kathy; and DeFrain, John, "NF05-628 Helping Children Resolve Conflict Conflict Mediation 
Model" (2005). Historical Materials from University of Nebraska-Lincoln Extension. 1750. 
https://digitalcommons.unl.edu/extensionhist/1750 
This Article is brought to you for free and open access by the Extension at DigitalCommons@University of Nebraska - 
Lincoln. It has been accepted for inclusion in Historical Materials from University of Nebraska-Lincoln Extension by an 
authorized administrator of DigitalCommons@University of Nebraska - Lincoln. 
Authors 
Marjorie Kostelnik, Debra E. Schroeder, Sarah Effken Purcell, Mary Nelson, Eileen Krumbach, Janet S. 
Hanna, Kathy Bosch, and John DeFrain 
This article is available at DigitalCommons@University of Nebraska - Lincoln: https://digitalcommons.unl.edu/
extensionhist/1750 
•	 Give	the	children	lots	of	time	to	form	their	thoughts	
and	speak.	A	question	that	can	be	answered	with	yes	
or	no	is	not	an	open-ended	question.
Conflict Mediation Model
Conflict mediation involves walking children through 
a series of steps beginning with problem identification and 
ending	with	 the	 implementation	of	 a	mutually	 satisfactory	
solution. Finally, it can be announced the conflict has ended. 
You’ll	provide	more	or	less	direction	as	necessary	until	some	
conclusion	is	reached.	The	aim	of	the	process	is	not	for	you	to	
dictate	how	children	should	solve	their	problem,	but	help	them	
figure out a solution on their own. Things/items, territory and 
rights are instances that can be mediated/negotiated. Status, 
defending	 others,	 attention	 and	 care,	 and	 situation	 ground	
rules	are	not	things	that	can	be	negotiated.
Step 1: Initiating the mediation process.
Assume	the	role	of	a	nonpartial	mediator.	Accomplish	this	
by	stopping	the	aggressive	behavior,	separating	the	children	
and defining the problem. It is important to get down to eye 
level	with	 the	children.	You	may	have	 to	position	yourself	
between	 the	 children	 in	 order	 to	 help	 them	 focus	 on	 the	
problem	rather	than	the	object,	territory	or	right.	This	helps	
the	children	approach	a	highly	emotional	situation	in	a	more	
objective	manner.
Step 2: Clarifying each child’s perspective.
Ask	each	child	in	turn	to	state	what	he	or	she	wants	from	
the	situation.	Allow	each	child	ample	time,	without	interruption,	
to	state	what	they	want.	This	step	is	critical	and	the	children	
must	trust	that	you	will	not	make	an	arbitrary	decision	in	favor	
NF628
Helping Children Resolve Conflict
Conflict Mediation Model
Developed by Marjorie Kostelnik, Dean of College of Education & Human Sciences
Adapted for Extension Use by Debra Schroeder, Extension Educator; Sarah Effken Purcell, Extension Educator;
Mary Nelson, Extension Educator; Eileen Krumbach, Extension Educator; Janet Hanna, Extension Educator;
Dr. Kathy Bosch, Extension Specialist; Dr. John DeFrain, Extension Specialist
During conflict mediation children learn the skills necessary to reach peaceful resolutions. These skills involve com-
munication,	compromise,	the	ability	to	see	how	different	aspects	of	a	dispute	are	related	and	the	ability	to	consider	their	
own perspective as well as that of another person. At first children need a great deal of support to proceed all the way to a 
negotiated	settlement.	The	adult	mediator	provides	this	support,	serving	as	an	instructor.	As	children	learn	problem-solving	
procedures	and	words,	they	become	increasingly	capable	of	solving	problems	for	themselves.	There	is	evidence	that	these	
childhood	learnings	are	maintained	throughout	the	adult	years.	Like	any	other	social	skills,	children	require	numerous	op-
portunities to practice conflict resolution under the guidance of a more experienced person.
Adults	 play	 an	 important	 role	 in	 the	 socialization	 of	
children.	They	help	children	develop	social	skills.	Children	
between	ages	3	and	10	need	to	have	positive	give-and-take	
social	interactions.	They	need	mini-lessons	on	how	to	cultivate	
positive	interactions	between	themselves	and	others	in	their	
social	network.	Anyone	who	has	more	than	two	children	in	
their care will encounter conflict.
With practice using the eight-step conflict resolution/me-
diation	model	you	can	successfully	guide	children	through	
resolving their conflicts. This model can be used with	children	
who	have	developed	skills	and	can	verbalize	their	feelings,	
usually	age	three	or	older.
The role of the adult/mediator in this model is very 
important.	Key	points	to	remember	when	implementing	the	
model	with	the	children	are:
•	 Physical	contact	with	children	is	very	important.	Hold	
the	children.	You	may	rub	their	backs	during	the	inter-
action	to	reinforce	your	support	for	each	child.	(Not	
all children want to be touched. If a child pulls away, 
look	into	the	situation	deeper.)
•	 Ask,	“What	happened	here?”	Make	sure	each	child	is	
given uninterrupted time to explain their view of the 
situation,	within	boundaries.
•	 Accept	 and	 reinforce	 the	 solution	 agreed	on	by	 the	
children. It may not make sense to you.
•	 Remain	calm	at	all	times	during	the	process.	Use	simple	
concrete	 language.	 Paraphrase	 any	 language	 that	 is	
hurtful. End with an open-ended question. Example: 
“Neither	one	of	you	are	getting	what	you	want.	What	
do	you	want?”
Index: family Life
Relationships
Issued March 2005
Extension is a Division of the Institute of Agriculture and Natural Resources at the University of Nebraska–Lincoln cooperating with the Counties
and the United States Department of Agriculture.
University of Nebraska–Lincoln Extension educational programs abide with the nondiscrimination policies of the University of Nebraska–Lincoln
and the United States Department of Agriculture.
© 2005, The Board of Regents of the University of Nebraska on behalf of the University of Nebraska–Lincoln Extension.  All rights reserved.
of	one	of	the	children.	Paraphrasing	each	child’s	point	of	view	
is	very	important	to	this	step.	Children	may	need	your	help	
to	tell	what	they	really	want.
Step 3: Summing up.
This	step	happens	when	you	have	been	able	to	get	from	
each	 child	 enough	 information	 to	 understand	 each	 child’s	
perception of the conflict. You then define the dispute in mu-
tual	terms,	making	clear	that	each	child	has	responsibility	for	
both	the	problem	and	its	solution.	Basically,	you	state	that	a	
problem exists and that a solution must be found.
Step 4: Generating alternatives.
Ask	for	suggestions	from	the	children	involved	and	from	
bystanders.	Each	time	a	possible	solution	is	offered,	paraphrase	
it	to	the	children	directly	involved.	Ask	each	child	to	think	
about	whether	this	solution	will	work	for	them.	Work	with	
the	children	to	brainstorm	as	many	possible	solutions	for	the	
situation	as	they	can.	Be	cautioned	that	each	child	should	be	
a	willing	participant	in	the	outcome	and	that	no	alternative	
should be forced on any child. It is typical during this pro-
cedure	for	children	to	reject	some	alternatives	that	they	may	
later find acceptable. Therefore, when a suggestion is repeated, 
you	should	present	it	rather	than	assume	it	will	be	rejected	
again. Sometimes during this process the child may tire and 
choose to walk away from the process. If the child insists on 
solving	the	problem	by	giving	up,	respect	the	decision.	With	
practice,	children	will	increase	their	skills	and	will	be	better	
able	to	deal	with	the	time	needed	to	negotiate	a	settlement	
that	makes	both	happy.
Step 5: Agreeing on a solution.
Children	will	reject	certain	suggestions	outright	and	will	
indicate	that	others	seem	more	acceptable.	The	ultimate	goal	is	
to	help	children	create	a	plan	of	action	that	is	mutually	satisfy-
ing. The final agreement usually involves some give and take 
by	both	children	and	may	not	represent	the	action	the	child	
would	take	if	the	youngster	did	not	have	to	consider	another	
person’s	point	of	view.	When	a	solution	has	been	reached,	it	
is	important	to	announce	that	a	resolution	has	been	reached	
and to state the exact details of the agreement.
Step 6: Reinforcing the problem-solving process.
Praise	children	for	working	hard	and	agreeing	on	a	solu-
tion.	The	message	to	be	communicated	is	that	the	process	of	
reaching	 the	solution	 is	as	 important	as	 the	solution	 itself.	
Achieve	this	by	acknowledging	the	emotional	investment	each	
child had in the original conflict and the hard work involved 
in	reaching	an	agreement.
Step 7: Following through.
Help	children	carry	out	the	terms	of	the	agreement.	Ac-
complish	this	by	reminding	children	of	the	terms	and,	if	nec-
essary,	physically	assisting	or	demonstrating	how	to	comply.	
The	solution	may	not	make	sense	to	you,	but	it	is	important	to	
enforce the details as the children agreed to them. It is critical 
that	you	follow	through	and	reinforce	the	solution	agreed	on.	
If not, the children will not trust you in this process in the 
future. If the plan begins to fall apart, the children should be 
brought	together	again	to	discuss	possible	revisions.
Step 8: Announce the conflict is over.
As	the	negotiation	process	is	going	on,	all	the	children	
in	the	room	will	be	involved	and	listening	because	they	are	
interested.	As	others	are	listening,	they	will	also	be	learning	
the process and will trust you to handle future conflicts. It 
is important that all the children know the conflict has been 
successfully	resolved.
Studies show that using this model for conflict resolu-
tion is successful. It helps children reduce their aggression 
and expands their ability to resolve conflicts on their own. 
Children who participate in conflict mediation on a regular 
basis	improve	in	their	ability	to	engage	in	the	process.	Over	
time,	children	increase	the	number	and	variety	of	solutions	
they	suggest	and	decrease	the	amount	of	time	needed	to	ne-
gotiate	a	settlement.
Additional Resources
NebFact 153, Consistency in Discipline
NebFact 152, Why Children Misbehave
Reference
Kostelnik, M., Whiren, A., Soderman, A., Gregory, K., and 
Stein, L. Guiding Children’s Social Development: Theory 
to Practice, 4th Edition.	Albany,	 New	York:	 Delmar,	
2002.
UNL Extension publications are available online 
at	http://extension.unl.edu/publications.


https://digitalcommons.unl.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=2747&amp;context=extensionhist

NF05-628 Helping Children Resolve Conflict \u3cem\u3eConflict Mediation Model\u3c/em\u3e

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