"Information from Human Environmental Sciences Extension.""Child development."Reprinted 6/03/10M

Gable, Sara

University of Missouri: MOspace

Why take the timeto communicate?Children base their views of them-selves and the world on their dailyexperiences. One of the most importantexperiences adults can provide for chil-dren is to talk with and listen to them.Through these daily interactions, chil-dren and adults can develop relation-ships that help children to learn aboutthemselves and the world. Adults whocare for children have a responsibilityto create and maintain positive andhealthy relationships with them. One ofthe most practical and mutually reward-ing ways to achieve thisgoal is through posi-tive communica-tion.Researchsuggeststhat thebest parent-child relationships are char-acterized by lots of positive communi-cation and interaction. Content parentsand children communicate on a regularbasis about many different things. Theydon’t communicate only when there isa conflict. The researchers believe thatwhen adults stay in touch with childrenthrough attention and conversation,children may be less likely to act out orbehave in ways that create conflict orrequire discipline.Effective communication with chil-dren requires communication stylesand behavior appropriate to the age ofthe child. Understanding how childrenof different ages communi-cate and what they like to talk about iscrucial for rewarding interaction withthem. Adults must communicate in away that relates to the age and inter-ests of the child.Communicating withchildren of differentagesInfants: Birth to 12 monthsInfants communicate with their coos,gurgles, and grunts, facial expressions,cries, body movements like cuddling orback arching, eye movements such aslooking towards and looking away andarm and leg movements.CHILD DEVELOPMENTCommunicatingEffectively with ChildrenSara GableState Extension Specialist, Human DevelopmentPublished by MU Extension, University of Missouri-Columbia GH 6123 Information fromHumanEnvironmental SciencesExtension Arcive vsi-- Se extensio.issour .eduEncourage infant communication■ Quickly respond to infant communi-cation (e.g., comfort a crying baby;smile at a smiling infant; relax if ababy turns her head to the side)■ Provide meaning to infants’ commu-nicative efforts (e.g., “You are cry-ing, I know it is time for your bottle;”“You are smiling, you like it when Itickle your feet!”)■ Use a sing-song, high-pitched toneof voice, exaggerated facial expres-sions and wide-opened eyes wheninteracting with young infants.These types of behavior captureinfants’ attention and help them tokeep focused on interacting.■ Make the most of the times whenyou and an infant are facing eachother (e.g., during diaper changes,feedings, mealtimes) and talk, singor gently tickle the infant. Infantsare fascinated by adult faces andlove to look at them when they areclose.■ Pay attention to an infant’s style ofexpressing emotions, preferredlevel of activity and tendency to besocial. Some infants are quiet andobservant and prefer infrequentadult interaction. Other infants areemotional, active and seek continu-ous adult attention and interac-tion. Recognizing the uniquepersonality of each infantwill make effective com-munication easier.Toddlers: 12 to 36monthsToddlers communicatewith a combination of ges-tures and grunts, one wordsentences, two word sen-tences, positive and negativeemotional expressions and bodymovements.Encourage toddler communication■ Respond quickly and predictably totoddlers’ communicative efforts(e.g., “You are pointing at the fridge,is it time for some juice?” “Bah-bah,that means you want your blanket,doesn’t it?”)■ Expand on toddlers’ one and twoword communications and buildsentences around their words (e.g.,“Hot, that’s right, the pizza is hot.”“Blue, your pants are blue withwhite stripes, aren’t they?” “Doagain? Okay, I’ll push you somemore on the swing.”)■ Keep a word diary where yourecord toddlers’ new words. Thediary can be shared with otheradults and the words can be usedin conversation.■ Give toddlers one direction at atime and provide warnings beforetransitions (e.g.,“We’re going toleave forgrandma’shouse infiveminutes.” Five minutes pass. “Okay,time to get ready, go get your coatfrom the bedroom.” “Oh good, yougot your coat, I’ll help you put it on.”)■ Label toddlers’ emotions (e.g.,“When you fall and get hurt, youfeel sad.” “Playing with your cousinMary makes you happy!”)■ Make the most of daily routines andtalk toddlers through routines in thesequence in which they happen(e.g., “First we put warm water inthe bathtub…then you take off yourclothes and get in! Time to get thewashrag soapy and clean youup…first I’ll wash your little toes…”)■ During play with toddlers, followtheir lead and let them create theplay. Describe for toddlers whatthey are doing during play and letthem have control (e.g., “Oh, youare driving the car up the sofa, nowit is falling to the floor! Here comesthe truck totake thecar tothegarage.”)2 Human Environmental Sciences Extension■ When telling older toddlers whatyou want, provide an explanationand tell the toddler WHY you wantsomething to happen (e.g., “Janey, Itold you to please pick up yourblocks and put them away. I don’twant anyone tripping and fallingover them.”)Preschoolers: 3 to 6 yearsPreschoolers begin to talk in fullsentences that are grammatically cor-rect.Young preschoolers may strugglewith telling stories in the correct order,but by age 6, sequencing the events ofa story comes much more easily.Preschoolers like to talk about theirpast experiences.They experiment with pretend andfantasy play; sometimes preschoolerstalk about imaginary experiences.Children of this age begin to recog-nize the connection between the spo-ken word and the written word. Theyoften recognize traffic signs (e.g., stop)and restaurant signs (e.g., McDonald’s)without being told what they literallysay.Preschoolers often talk to them-selves when playing and working ontasks such as puzzles or art activities.Encourage preschoolers’communication■ Ask preschoolers questions aboutpast events; probe for details andprovide new words to enhancedescription of experiences (e.g.,“Tell me who you played with atchild care today? What did you dotogether?”)■ Encourage preschoolers to talkabout their feelings, both positiveand negative, and discuss the pos-sible causes for the emotions.■ Create opportunities for preschool-ers to engage in fantasy and pre-tend play, either alone or withfriends (e.g., pretend baby bathing,pretend housekeeping, pretendastronaut play)■ Provide opportunities for preschool-ers to experience the connectionbetween the spoken word and thewritten word (e.g., label familiarparts of the physical environment;have children tell you stories andwrite them down; allow children to‘write’ their own stories or thank younotes; have children collect itemsfrom the environment which includewords that they can read, such astoothpaste tubes or cereal boxes)■ When preschoolers are talking tothemselves, let them be. Self-talkhelps preschoolers focus on whatthey are doing.School-age: 6 to 12 yearsSchool-age children talk much likeadults — in full sentences. They askmore questions, can relate past experi-ences in vivid detail and seek moreinformation and justification for the waythings are.They can understand and talk aboutthe perspective of another person andare beginning to recognize the influ-ence their behavior can have on others.School-age children can handlemore pieces of information at the sametime and with assistance from adultscan effectively engage in goal settingand problem solving.At this age, children spend moretime talking and playing with peers andfriends.Encourage school-age communication■ Use conversation as a way to keepup with school-age children’s activi-ties, likes, dislikes and peer relation-ships. Peers are important at thisstage and by talking with childrenregularly, adults can keep informedabout school-age children’s relation-ships with their agemates.(continued on page 5)3Encourage family storiesAll children love to hear and to tell stories. Adults canencourage children and parents to share their family stories.Storytelling is a universal way for families to pass down impor-tant history from generation to generation. From hearing familystories, children learn about their family identity and about thebeliefs and expectations that make their family unique. Theseexperiences encourage children to use their imagination andcreate visual images of relatives from long ago and far away.Storytelling also brings adults and children closer and createsa wonderful opportunity for intimacy and relationship building.Ask the children and families that you care about to share withyou some of their stories.(Taken from: Stone, E. 1988. Black sheep and kissing cousins:How our family stories shape us. NY: Penguin Books.)University of Missouri-Columbia 4Be an emotion coachIt is important to help children understand their feelings. In doing so, adults can develop an emotional closeness withchildren that is important for establishing and maintaining mutual respect. Effective emotion coaching helps children tounderstand the emotional ups and downs of life. Research finds that children who grow up in families that spend timetalking about emotions are more academically successful, have better friendships, fewer infectious diseases and canhandle difficult social situations, such as getting teased, more effectively than children whose families do not talk aboutfeelings (Gottman and DeClaire, 1997).How can adults help children to better understand their emotions? Here are some ideas: Be a sharp observer of children’s emotions. Recognize that children’s emotional expressions provide an opportunity to get close. Make the most of theseteachable moments. Empathetically listen and respond to children’s emotions; tell them that you understand their feelings. Help children to verbally label their different emotions. Set limits while helping children problem solve the emotional experience.Example:When you pick up your 8-year-old daughter from after-school care, she has a bright smile on her face…what can yousay and do?Parent: Honey, you have a huge smile on your face! Tell me why.Child: Today when we were jumping rope, I did the whole thing without messing up!Parent: You must feel so happy and proud of yourself! I know how much you like to jump rope and how hard you workat it.Child: Yeah, and today I tried extra hard to do it without messing up and it worked!Parent: That’s great, sweetheart…Example:Your 7-year-old son comes home from playing next door and looks sullen and glum. In fact, when he gets in the door,he throws his coat on the floor without hanging it up. What can you say and do?Parent: Nate, what’s going on? You always remember to hang up your coat. Did something happen at Stuart’s?Child: I hate him! I’m not playing over there anymore.Parent: You sound really angry. What happened?Child: Stuart never lets me play with his new train.Parent: Why do you think that is?Child: I don’t know…he says I’ll break it.Parent: Well, I can understand why you are mad, but you know Stuart just got the train for his birthday last month. He’sprobably scared to let anybody else use it. What do you think you can do to let him know you’ll be careful withit?Child: I don’t know…Parent: Well, instead of getting angry, maybe you could tell him that you understand why he is being careful and askhim to show you exactly what he wants you to do. Let him know that you’ll be careful. If he says no, you mightjust have to wait longer, but at least you tried.Child: Yeah, I know.(continued from page 3)■ Use conversation to help school-age children set goals and solveproblems (“If you have to go to GirlScouts this afternoon, let’s talkabout when you can do your home-work.”). Take the time to discussstrategies and solutions and havethe school-age child talk about pos-sible outcomes.■ When correcting the school agechild’s behavior, provide a calmexplanation for your preferences. Bygiving a reason, you help theschool-age child understand theimplications of his or her behaviorfor others (e.g., if your child teasesanother child because he or shewears glasses, explain that wearingglasses helps the child to see bet-ter and remind the child that teas-ing can hurt another’s feelings.■ Encourage school-age children totalk about their feelings and thepossible reasons for their emotions.■ Use conversation to help school-age children learn conflict manage-ment skills. Because peerrelationships are becoming moreimportant at this age, conflictsbetween children will likely arise.Help children learn how to manageconflicts effectively while preservingthe peer relationship. Act out pre-tend peer interactions with childrenand show how conflicts can beresolved, depending on how chil-dren handle the situation.Adolescents: 12 to 18 yearsAdolescents are interested in talkingin depth about themselves and abouttheir relationships with others. Theywant to understand who they arebecoming and what others think andfeel about them.Adolescents want to talk about howthey are different from their parents andthe rest of the world. They are begin-ning to recognize that their parents areimperfect people.Adolescence is a time when childrentypically act more negative and havemore conflicts with their parents.Adolescents spend more time aloneand with their friends and less time withtheir families.Encourage adolescent communication■ Be actively sensitive and respon-sive to the adolescent experience.Remember, each adolescent isgoing through major social andphysical changes; practice puttingyourself in the adolescent’s placewhen you find yourself disagreeingor growing impatient.■ Use conversation as an opportunityto keep up with adolescent activi-ties and relationships. Stay interest-ed in the adolescent and gently askquestions and seek explanations forThe power of the written wordSometimes we get so busy with everyday life that we forgetthe simpler ways to communicate. In “Put Your Heart onPaper” (1995), Henriette Klauser encourages us to use thewritten word as a way of staying in touch. She says that writ-ing can start communications that may be too difficult for thespoken word and can heal conflicts between adults and chil-dren. Most important is that these writings become part of therelationship’s history.Here are some ideas for how to use the written word in yourrelationships:✔ On a small piece of paper, state a simple request such as“I’d like to take a walk with you,” and leave the note in a vis-ible place.✔ If you are having trouble understanding a child, or makingyourself understood, use writing as an opportunity forexplanations.✔ Journals can be used to document a relationship’s history.Use the journal to record special events and time spenttogether.✔ Leave small greetings for each other in unlikely places suchas on the bathroom mirror or in a backpack.✔ Share a journal with someone. Keep the journal in a placewhere each person can easily get to it and record feelingsand experiences.University of Missouri-Columbia 5adolescent behavior.■ Although adolescents strive forindependence and separation fromthe family, you can best maintainthe relationship by providing a bal-ance between expecting personalresponsibility from the adolescentand offering consistent support.■ Be flexible. Seek to understand theadolescent perspective first beforetrying to be understood yourself.Maintaining the adult-child relation-ship is perhaps the most helpfulthing that one can do for supportingthe adolescent through these years.■ Recognize that the adolescent isdeveloping ideas that may be differ-ent from your own. Unless theseideas place the adolescent in dan-ger of harm to self or others, acceptthe adolescent’s beliefs as anexample of their developing individ-uality.Make the most of a pricelessgood: COMMUNICATIONFew activities in life come with sogreat a reward as communicating effec-tively with one another. The ideas inthis guide can help you develop healthyand mutually rewarding adult-child rela-tionships. There is little doubt that theworld can be overwhelming for children.By paying attention to and communicat-ing regularly with children, you can helpchildren create a view of themselvesand the world that is positive andhealthy.ResourcesBates, E., B. O’Connell and C. Shore.1987. Language and communication ininfancy. In Handbook of Infant Develop-ment. ed. J. D. Osofsky. NY: Wiley.Bornstein, M. H., ed. 1995. Hand-book of Parenting: Volume 1, Childrenand Parenting. NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum.Gottman, J., and J. DeClaire. 1997.The heart of parenting. New York, NY:Simon and Schuster.Klauser, H. A. 1995. Put your hearton paper. New York, NY: Bantam.Pettit, G. S., and J. E. Bates, 1989.Family interaction patterns and chil-dren’s behavior problems from infancyto 4 years. Developmental Psychology,25:413-420.Stone, E. 1988. Black sheep andkissing cousins: How our family storiesshape us. Penguin Books: NY.$.75 GH 6123 Reprinted 6/03/10M■ Issued in furtherance of Cooperative Extension Work Acts of May 8 and June 30, 1914, in cooperation with the United States Departmentof Agriculture. Ronald J. Turner, Director, Cooperative Extension, University of Missouri and Lincoln University, Columbia, MO 65211. ■ University Outreach and Extension does not discriminate on the basis of race, color, national origin, sex, religion, age, disability or statusas a Vietnam era veteran in employment or programs. ■ If you have special needs as addressed by the Americans with Disabilities Act andneed this publication in an alternative format, write ADA Officer, Extension and Agricultural Information, 1-98 Agriculture Building, Columbia,MO 65211, or call (573) 882-7216. Reasonable efforts will be made to accommodate your special needs.OUTREACH & EXTENSIONUNIVERSITY OF MISSOURICOLUMBIAFor more information on this subject and many others, visit the MU Extension Publications Web site at:http://muextension.missouri.edu/explore

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