Reed, Michelle

English

KU ScholarWorks

A Single Woman's Guide toLoving Your Thirties byize that you have control of your own des-tiny.Assume that you will live until you're atleast 80. Think about the women in your fam-ily. Grandma Thomas is in her seventies.She's doing fine. Try to reduce 29/80 into asmaller fraction. Fail. Decide that you willlive until you're 90. Round up and decide thatyou're only 1/3 of the way there. Tell yourselfthat you have plenty of time.Identify public places where you're comfortableeating alone.Pick up a steak dinner from Roger's Meatsand Treats on your way home from work.Mr. Tubs, your two-year-old tabby, meetsyou at tbe front door. Shake your styrofoambox at bim and say, "You're bungry, aren't yabig boy?" in a voice usually reserved for infants.Half your steak witb bim, cutting bis portioninto bite-size pieces. Even tbougb you knowbetter, let bim eat bis dinner on top of tbekitcben table.Try to make small talk. Ask bim if be bada good day and if be missed you. Tell bim itlooks like Bill from accounting is finally goingto retire and tbat your boss is still a jackass. Donot be offended wben be seems more interest-ed in licking bimself than listening to you.Wonder if you sbould bave adopted a femalecat.tvecognize that marriage is not the only road tohappiness.Stop by your parents' bouse Friday after-noon after work. Tbey are lying side-by-sideon identical yoga mats watcbing CMT anddoing abdominal exercises. Your mom is wear-ing a t-sbirt and striped panties pulled higbabove ber belly button. Your dad is wearinggym sborts and a sweat band. Hop over bimonto tbe loveseat and cross your legs on tbecusbion. Notice a fitness magazine on tbefloor between tbem."Do you want to do abs witb us?" yourmom asks.Sbake your bead as you watcb your fatbertry to pull bis torso up by bis neck.Say: "You're doing it wrong. Dad. Stoppulling on your neck.""Remember Katie's baby sbower isSunday," your mom says. Katie was your bestfriend in bigb scbool. Sbe bas been marriedtwice and is pregnant witb ber tbird cbild."You're still planning on going, aren'tyou?"Nod. Say: "Dad, you're really going toburt yourself. Use your abs.""Rosie Guillory sure is lucky, isn't sbeWalt?" your mom says. "Sbe's already got a boyand a girl from Katie. Tbis one is just a bonus.Plus sbe's got Harry's stepcbildren. I don't real-ly know tbat situation, but I'm sure they'regood kids."Your parents bave been married for tbirty-four years. Tbey bave survived tbe metamor-pbosis and now look and act more like brotberand sister tban busband and wife. Tbey'vemelded into eacb other. Tbey seem to be con-tent."It won't be long before Harry gives beranotber baby, I'm sure," your mom says. "Justtbink of all those grandbabies. It must benice." Sbe stops and watcbes your fatber for aminute. "Lord, Walt, wbat are you doing?You're going to break your neck pulling on it100tbat-a-way."Say: "I told you. Dad, you've got to useyour abs.""If I could use my abs 1 wouldn't be pullingon my neck, now would I?" be says.1 articipate in community activities.Wear lipstick to Katie's sbower eventbougb you know you'll be surrounded bymenopausal women and young motbers.Stand in tbe back by tbe food table and eatmeatballs from frilly tootbpicks. Wonderabout tbe consequences of spiking tbe puncbat a baby sbower. Remember tbat Katie wasresponsible for spiking tbe puncb at your bigbscbool prom. You went witb David Johnson.He got drunk and cried, tben tbrew up in oneof tbe pots from tbe cafeteria. Later, bedumped you for tbe boys' basketball coacb.Tbat was tbe rumor, anyway.Your motber is bere witb a gift signed frombotb of you. It is a breast pump tbat sbe pickedout, adding tbat pregnancy bas become so easytbese days tbat sbe can't imagine any womannot wanting to bave a baby.Your motber's friends will ask, "So, are youseeing anyone special?"Smile and say: "No, not lately."Say: "Come on. You know me better tbantbat."Say: "Well, I've been seeing someone."Work your way to Katie wben sbe's fin-isbed opening all of ber gifts. Laugb wben sberubs ber belly and says, "Can't seem to figureout wbat causes tbis." Slip out tbe back door.Identify your abandoned childhood hobbies andrekindle an interest in them.On Friday nigbt, drink a bottle of wine andlook tbrougb poems you wrote in college.Tbey're mostly sappy. Sometimes angry. Allwritten in end rbyme. Read tbem aloud to Mr.Tubs. Do not tbink tbat because be is concen-trating on licking bimself tbat be does not rec-ognize your poetic talent. Tell bim tbat youwisb to work out a system of communicationtbat would not require interrupting bis groom-ing. Licking of left paw = Yes, you're absolute-ly rigbt. Licking of rigbt paw = Dinner wasamazing, tbank you.Scroll tbrougb tbe list of names on yourcell pbone. Cet ready for bed. Masturbate.Listen to tbe quick tick of tbe clock.vv elcome new experiences.Gina walks into your office, lifts botb armsinto tbe air, ballelujab style, and says, "1 foundsomeone for you."Nod. Tbis is not tbe first time sbe basmade tbis declaration"His name is Ricbard," sbe says. "He's per-fect for you. Trust me."Gina is your friend. You do not trust ber.You remember tbe last guy sbe set you up witb.He was a goat roper from Little Rock. At din-ner, be removed bis front two teetb and settbem on tbe table beside you. For two weeks,you dreamed of finding teetb sprinkled likecroutons in your salads. Remind Gina of tbis."I apologized for tbat," Gina says. "Plus,Ricbard's a really good guy. And 1 tbink beeven bas all of bis teetb."Pull your daily planner from your deskdrawer. Scruncb your lips to tbe left as youscan tbe pages. Scratcb your bead and say: "Idon't know, Gina, I'm pretty busy." Decide totake classes on becoming an expert liar.Wben Gina walks bebind your desk, covertbe empty weekend squares witb your forearm."Write tbis down," sbe says. "Saturday nigbt.Dinner witb Ricbard. 7:30. Mark and I will betbere, too. For support."Duild bridges.On tbe nigbt of your date, apply deodorantat 5:30. Do lunges tbrougb your bouse fortbree minutes witb your arms raised over yourbead. Call Gina and demand tbat sbe pick uptbe pbone. It's an emergency. Wben sbe doesnot answer, bang up. Change clotbes seven101times. Drink two glasses of wine. Decide onblack.Find Gina, Mark, and Richard sitting at atable at 7:37 exactly. They all stand when youapproach. Gina introduces you to Richard.Smile like a princess. Shake his hand firmly.You do not know his type.His hands are clean, and thick. He lookstall, even sitting down. His front tooth ischipped and a little crooked. He is moley—butnot in a gross way. Decide that he is attractive.Order grilled chicken and a salad. Drink twomore glasses of wine. Listen to Mark andRichard talk about the guys who play in theirbasketball league. Richard's team is a bunch ofguys he knows through work. Mark's team usu-ally wins the league.Ask: "So, do you know much aboutgoats?"Let Gina take over the conversation. Flirtwith Mark while Richard tells Gina about hisjob as an accountant. Eavesdrop on their con-versation and steal glances at Richard whileMark fidgets with his wedding ring. Richardcloses his eyes and tilts his head to the rightwhen he laughs. He is still on his first glass ofwine.Tie strands of your hair into knots untilMark takes both of your hands into his. He isdrunk and makes a big show out of kissing yourhand."A girl like this," he says to Richard. "Agirl like this."Rub your tongue along the front of yourteeth, checking for pieces of bread and pepper.KJive yourself some slack—nothing is ever as badas you imagine it to be.Do not expect to hear from him again.Realize that you are a lush and a moron.Replay the night in your head.On Wednesday, wonder why he hasn'tcalled you. Gall Gina.Say: "No, I haven't heard from him."Say: "Yeah, he was nice and all. I just—"Say: "No, don't ask Mark to do that.That's embarrassing."Gonsider dropping in on Richard's basket-ball game that night. You could say you werethere to see Mark. You could ask Gina to gowith you. Greate a self-improvement list foryour life instead. Post it on the dry erase boardin your kitchen:L Quit drinking.2. Black is not your color. Life is not afuneral, you know.3. Enroll in a class: Quilting? Poetry?Latin dance?4. Forgive your mother.5. Buy new shoes.You've been reading self-help books again.Say: "Living alone deserves our praise."Mr. Tubs licks his left paw.oocialize regularly with people who share yourinterests.When he calls you at work, remind your-self to act casual, busy.Say: "Oh, Richard. Hi." Sink into yourchair and avoid eye contact with your nosy co-worker. Gover the end of the receiver withyour hand.Say: "Yeah, I've been fine. Staying busy,with work and everything, you know. How areyou?" Draw circles on the While You WereOut pad on your desk. Do not write his name.Say: "Tomorrow?"You know the answer to this. You've readit in Cosmo. You've already made plans. Oryou're going out of town.Say: "Yes, tomorrow's fine."Grin. Shake your head and bang it againstthe cushion of your chair. Stand up and walkto the restroom. Try not to scream.wf)en your door to others.When he brings you home after drinks, donot ask him to come in. You don't want to beone of those girls. He kisses you on the cheek102and asks when he can see you again.Say: "Soon," while you wonder about theshape of his penis. Stand outside and watchhim walk to his car. Do not wave when hedrives away.I ake more chances.After twelve days, sleep at his house. Finda toothpaste tube in his medicine cabinet. Itscontents are squeezed perfectly toward theopen end. Consider using the toothbrushyou've packed in your purse. Remind yourselfof the message a toothbrush sends and squirttoothpaste onto your finger.Sleep naked with your make-up on.LJo not get prematurely swept away by romance.Say Richard several times out loud in dif-ferent accents. Decide that British sounds themost authentic. Wonder about your ancestors.Say bollocks, bloke, and bugger. Say: "Well,fuck off then." The last sounds more Irish thanBritish. Realize that you don't really know thedifference. That probably means your ances-tors were a little of both.Listen to Billie Holiday's "The Man ILove" and dance around the room with Mr.Tubs tucked under your chin. Stay within thevicinity of the fan cord so he is less tempted tojump down. Tell him he's a beautiful dancer.Say Richard again. Then Richie. ThenDick. Wonder if he has a nickname. Wonderif he'll let you call him Richie. Dick, youthink, may be inappropriate. He's a nice guy.Decide to wait a while to ask./\void negative thinkers.Your mother calls you on Tuesday night tofill in for Rosie Guillory in their Pinochlegame."Katie's having her baby," your mothersays. "We need a fourth player."When you get there, your dad is sitting onthe front porch drinking coffee.Say: "They run you off?""Can't a woman alive run a man out of hishouse," he says. "Your Aunt Ida is in there."Your mom, aunt, and neighbor, Mrs. Pat,are eating bean dip out of plastic bowls."There's the birthday girl," Aunt Ida sayswithout taking her cigarette from her mouth.Mrs. Pat asks if today's your birthday."Friday," your mom says. "The big 3-0."Say: "Yeah, don't remind me.""Maybe you should cut your hair," Ida says."A woman your age shouldn't have long hairanymore. It looks haggy." Ida's hair sproutsfrom her head in the shape of a bowl. It's grayand thinning. She never married."Ida's right," your mom says. "But awoman your age should also be settled down bynow."Say: "Don't start. Mom.""Don't listen to her, sugar," Ida says. "Norush on things like that. And you, you betterwatch it before you run this one off. You'regonna need someone to take care of you whenthose knees finally give out on you. Shit, Waltain't gonna be around forever.""Lord, Ida, what do you have to get to talk-ing about things like that for? And just who doyou think is going to look after you when yourlungs finally collapse from all that poison youbeen puffing on all these years? You're lucky Itake care of myself.""So, are you seeing anyone special?" Mrs.Pat asks.Try not to smile. Nod and push the deckof cards over to your mother."Oh, really?" your mom asks. "Sincewhen?"Say: "Just a couple weeks. It's nothingserious.""What's his last name?"Tell her. Listen as she repeats it, precededby your first name."It's too alliterative," she says and deals ahand of cards.LJon't compare your life to the lives of others.103Wben Gina calls you on Friday to tell youtbat Mark is baving an affair, agree to meet berat SpeakFasy for drinks. "Some slut from tbepboto lab," sbe says over tbe pbone. You findber in a corner bootb witb a box of tissue andtwo empty sbot glasses. Tell ber sbe looks likea female Humpbrey Bogart.Listen to ber say bastard, cunt. Listen tober tbreaten to leave bim. Know tbat sbewon't. Watcb ber red eyes and listen to ber tryto breatbe. Say notbing. Sbe knows tbat youwould not understand. You bave never devot-ed your life to one person. Vowed to bonor.You bave never loved like tbat.Do not mention Andrew. Do not mentiontbe last time tbat sbe called you like tbis.Almost like tbis. Same walls. Same drinks.Tbe rest are tecbnicalities. Do not mentiontbat sbe made you promise not to tell Mark.Or ber promises to you tbat it would neverbappen again, as if you were tbe one sbe need-ed to make tbat promise to. Remind yourselftbat infidelity is tbe exception. Infidelity istbe exception. Infidelity is tbe exception.Inside tbe bar, it feels later tban it is.104

A Single Woman's Guide to Loving Your Thirties

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A Single Woman's Guide to Loving Your Thirties

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