Daniel, Eleanor

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Pepperdine Digital Commons

LeavenVolume 9Issue 1 Family Article 81-1-2001Confronting the Myths of Singles in the ChurchEleanor DanielFollow this and additional works at: http://digitalcommons.pepperdine.edu/leavenPart of the Biblical Studies Commons, Christianity Commons, and the Religious Thought,Theology and Philosophy of Religion CommonsThis Article is brought to you for free and open access by the Religion at Pepperdine Digital Commons. It has been accepted for inclusion in Leaven byan authorized administrator of Pepperdine Digital Commons. For more information, please contact Kevin.Miller3@pepperdine.edu.Recommended CitationDaniel, Eleanor (2001) "Confronting the Myths of Singles in the Church," Leaven: Vol. 9: Iss. 1, Article 8.Available at: http://digitalcommons.pepperdine.edu/leaven/vol9/iss1/8Family 33Confronting the Myths ofSingles in the ChurchMost churches like to describe themselves as/I family churches." This means, most of the time, thatthey see themselves as composed of traditional fami-lies, the Ward and June Cleaver variety-Mom, Dad,and a couple of kids. But what of the social changesthat have altered adult demographics? Is the churchaware and responsive? As a single adult, I sometimeshave to wonder.Some pernicious myths about single adults seemto permeate churches. Let's examine the most preva-lent ones-and possible responses we can make tothem.Myths about Single AdultsMyth 1:We don't have many single adults in our church.We may not have many single adults in ourchurches. But if so, we must ask ourselves why. Itisn't true in the United States as a whole. For ex-ample, using 1998 demographic figures from gov-ernment agencies, I learned that 44.7% of all adultsage 18 and older in the United States are single orlive apart from their spouses. That is nearly one ofevery two adults age 18 and older in your commu-nity, if it meets national demographics-over 87mil-lion people nationwide. Of course, the majority is inthe 18-24 category-86.7% in that age range aresingle (over 21 million of them). But in the 25-44 agerange, 40.5% are single (nearly 34 million), while30.3% of all adults in the 45-64 range are single (al-most 17 million people). The percentage rises to45.6% in the 65+ range (of which most are widowed).See the table on the following page for further data.Granted, we may not have a college nearby, andmost of our college young people may leave hometo go to school-good reasons to have few singles inthe 18-24 range. But it is hard to believe that our com-munities don't have single adults-and many ofthem-whether or not our congregations do. I re-cently analyzed the list of people in the congrega-tion I attend. It is a comfortable place for me and agood many other single adults. Yet I found that only17% of the people on the total list of names weresingle. That may be skewed a bit-I didn't includethe names of college students who attend regularlybut aren't from the community. Even then, I estimatethat no more than 20% of the list would be single.Though I suspect that our percentage is higher thanthat of many congregations, I still have to ask why itis as low as it is.,i!iMyth 2: Singles are all similar.The main similarity of singles is their marital sta-tus. Other than that, they probably have no more-nor fewer-similarities than married adults. Singles1Daniel: Confronting the Myths of Singles in the ChurchPublished by Pepperdine Digital Commons, 200134 Leaven, Winter 2001A Demographic Description of Adults in the United States(Numbers in thousands)Age Range Total Adults Never Separated Widowed Divorcedin the Age MarriedCategory18-24 25,201 20,809 461 17 37082.6% 1.8% .1% 1.4%25-34 39,354 13,569 1,638 120 2,66034.5% 4.2% .3% 6.7%35-44 44,462 6,841 2,211 398 5,83215.4% 5.0% .9% 13.1%45-64 56,312 3,854 2,238 2,648 8,3946.8% 4.0% 4.7% 14.9%65-74 17,874 753 423 3,862 1,5084.2% 2.4% 21.6% 8.5%75+ 14,210 63q 333 6.550 6354.5% 2.5% 46% 4.5%Total 197,413 46,462 7,304 13,595 19,39923.5% 3.7% 6.9% 9.8%Source: United States Census Bureauare single for a variety of reasons. You can readilyidentify at least four categories of singles: (1) nevermarried, (2) separated from a spouse, (3) widowed,and (4) divorced. Demographics from the year 1998show that 23.5% of all adults have never married.The largest segment of never-married people is, quitepredictably, those 18-24--82.6% fit into that category.But 23.9% of those age 25--44 have never married,nor have 6.8% of those age 45-64 and 4.3% of thoseage 65 and over.The same demographic source indicates that 4%of all adults are separated from their spouses. Thatis most common in the 25-64 age categories. Separa-tion may be for a variety of reasons-military ser-vice, jobs, institutionalization (one person living ina nursing home or in prison, for example), or pend-ing divorce. The same source reveals that 9.8% of alladults are living as divorced singles. (Of course,many more have been divorced but are now mar-ried again.) That is most common in the 25-64 agerange. Just under 7% of all adults are widowed. Pre-dictably, most of those are older adults.Clearly, singles are single for a variety of rea-sons-and the reasons undoubtedly shape their char-acteristics and needs. One program does not fit all.Young singles age 18-24 look for something quitedifferent than older singles age 65 and over.. Single adults differ significantly in their attitudestoward singleness and their needs. Most single adultsyounger than age 35 regard adult singleness as a tran-sitory status-they fully expect to marry one day.Some never-married singles beyond age 35 may becontent with their status, while others may be bitterbecause of their circumstances. Some singles maycarry deep hurt and confusion as a result of divorce;others may need to deal with the grief of being wid-owed. Older singles must often deal with the griefof the loss of a spouse and then move on to puttinglife back together again. .Myth 3: Singles are incomplete, immature, undeveloped,or sinful.The belief still permeates many churches thatsingles are unmarried because something is wrongwith them. It is seldom stated openly, but it is oftenan underlying assumption felt strongly by singleadults. It may have been most bluntly expressed bya friend of mine. We had become acquainted when2Leaven, Vol. 9 [2001], Iss. 1, Art. 8http://digitalcommons.pepperdine.edu/leaven/vol9/iss1/8she was newly divorced. But it was clear that shehad no intention to remain single-and she didn't.She married again. Sometime later, when I hadmoved to another city, she came to visit me. Oneevening, I had several single friends come to myhouse for dinner and fellowship. Another day, shemet a single faculty colleague. Shemet several singlefriends at church. Still another day, I took her to aplace where several single friends worked. All told,I suppose she met more than a dozen single friendsofmine-all productive, happy Christian adults. Onthe way to the airport, she mused, "Isn't it strange-so many singles." "What's strange?" I asked. "Thatthey are all happy," she replied.Of course, some single adults are immature, un-developed, and sinful. But then, so are some mar-ried adults. Some single adults are quite mature andare developing well in their walk with Christ, as aretheir married friends. Before you put too much cre-dence in this myth, think seriously about Jesus andPaul-hardly immature, incomplete, sinful peoplejust because they were single. But even if the mythwere completely factual, the church is called to min-ister to everyone--complete or incomplete, devel-oped or undeveloped, saint or sinner, single or mar-ried, child or adult.Myth 4: Singles ministry should be designed to help peopleget married.I once had quite a debate with a man who was ina seminar I was leading on single adult ministry. Heinsisted that churches should conduct single adultministries but that the purpose should be to helppeople get married so they could do real ministry. Ihave often wondered how his single adult ministryhas.developed!However a congregation goes about incorporat-ing singles and ministering to their needs, the driv-ing purpose is not to run a matchmaking service. Itis to welcome single adults to begin to develop a life-long walk with the Lord. It is a ministry of disciple-ship, helping people to deepen in their faith and toshare in ministry in the name of Jesus Christ. Untilwe have that commitment, we have no businessthinking of singles ministry. If the myths are no morethan myths, how do we minister to single adults?Family 35What Do Single Adults Need from the Church?1.Single adults need to be accepted in the church asthey are.This mayor may not mean a ministry designatedas "singles ministry." It mayor may not mean a staffmember assigned specifically to minister to singles.But it does mean church leaders, and the body as awhole, who see no need to remake singles any morethan they see a need to remake any married person.Every person needs to change more and more intothe image of Christ-but he or she need not be mar-ried to do it.This means that for many congregations a thoroughevaluation of attitudes about singleness in general anddivorce in particular is needed. Are single adults wel-come in the congregation? Or are they reminded atevery turn of their singleness? Can single adults fitinto the social structure of existing adult classes andgroups without feeling uncomfortable because ev-ery activity is geared to couples? Do divorced indi-viduals always feel that they must give explanationsabout their divorce? Are people ready to rally to theneeds of single adults?I have an elderly friend who was divorced prob-ably fifty years ago. She had three young childrenwhen her husband abandoned her. It was a real chal-lenge for her to rear those three children without afather who was involved in their lives. She had ma-jor financial challenges, but eventually she was ableto get a good civil service job that met most of theirneeds, though not all their wants. Her three childrenhave turned out to be capable adults. But she oncetold me, "I would never have been able to do thiswithout this church [naming the congregation ofwhich she is a part]." She told me how the churchpeople had come and painted her house when shecouldn't afford to have it done. She told how men inthe congregation had met the need of her boys for aman's influence, how she had found meaning inteaching children in the congregation, how she hadnever had to spend time feeling she must defend herdivorce or being a single mom. That is acceptance-and what singles need.Churches serious about ministering to singles mustspend some time wrestling with their theology of mar-riage and singleness and their understanding oj'divorce.3Daniel: Confronting the Myths of Singles in the ChurchPublished by Pepperdine Digital Commons, 200136 Leaven, Winter 2001Living in community means that we arevalued for ourselves. It means that ourgifts and abilities are recognized. Itmeans that we are heard.I'm not suggesting that churches should adopt an"anything goes" attitude. Not even most singleswould appreciate that. But on the other hand, singlesmust know that they are accepted in the congrega-tion and that they can find meaningful expressionsof ministry, even if they have never married or haveexperienced the pain of a divorce.Churches need to reexamine how they name things.Consider the following names of adult classes andgroups I have known: Mr. and Mrs. Class, Win-A-Kuple, Homebuilders, Pairs and Spares. All thesenames and others imply that couples are the normand singles are the aberration. They generally fail toappeal to single adults who may draw conclusionson the basis of a name alone.Congregational leaders need to rethink how issuessuch as marriage and family are handled in preaching andworship. Once Iwas a part of a congregation in whichthe minister preached a series of sermons on Chris-tian marriage. There is nothing new or wrong withsuch a preaching series. But what a number of usfound problematic was the last Sunday of the series.On that day, at the end of the sermon, the ministerasked all couples to stand and repeat their weddingvows. Nothing wrong with that-but it would havebeen better done, in my opinion, in a service otherthan Sunday morning and with a prior announce-ment. Less than half the congregation stood. Manywere single for a variety of reasons. One older per-son had buried his wife only a month or two before.Amarried friend of mine couldn't stand-her hus-band was out of town. Other married friendscouldn't either, as much as they wanted to, becausetheir spouses were elsewhere in the building lead-ing children's services. You have to wonder howmany couples felt compelled to stand despite thedifficulties they were confronting-or else have thewhole church body wonder what was wrong. Occa-sions such as this, as well intentioned as they are,may be as painful for some couples as it is for somesingle adults.Aformer student ofmine, divorced several yearsbefore the event she described, recounted to me thepain she felt one Valentine's Day in her congrega-tion. The minister made much of the fact that it wasValentine'sDay-a day of love-and then asked eachmember to find his or her spouse to embrace. Shesaid, "I just sat there and cried. I didn't want to bemarried to him again. But it was having what hadbeen, and no longer was, symbolized before my veryeyes." I'm sure the minister did all of this in goodfaith, but he was insensitive to the needs of thesingles.2. Singles need community.Everyperson ismade to live in community. Manycommunity, or intimacy, needs are realized in mar-riage; others, within other human relationships. In-deed, the church is community-a people first incommunity with God but also in community witheach other. Without a mate, many single adults areleft to find their sense of community in relationshipswith friends and the church body.Living in community means that we are valuedfor ourselves. It means that our gifts and abilities arerecognized. It means that we are heard. It requiresthat we have the opportunity to share in the life ofthe community without undue reservation or suspi-cion.Adivorced friend ofmine, a graduate of a Biblecollege with a degree in Bible and Christian educa-tion, experience as a professional Christian educa-tor, and professional credentials and experience as asocial worker, told me once about the congregationof which she was a part. She could teach a class ofadult women only if an elder was present to be sureshe didn't encourage divorce and that she was accu-rate in her Bible teaching. Needless to say, she didn'tsense much community-and she didn't stay long.Contrast that with an experience I had in a con-gregation. Iwas the professional Christian educator.The minister became enamored with much of theanti-institutional church rhetoric of the era. After heverbally slapped the congregation around for some4Leaven, Vol. 9 [2001], Iss. 1, Art. 8http://digitalcommons.pepperdine.edu/leaven/vol9/iss1/8months, he finally resigned and took a splinter groupfrom the congregation. It was a difficult time for me.I was in doctoral work. Yet I was the one person inthe congregation who could go to each of the splin-ter groups and try to seek reconciliation. Iwas calledupon in my professional role to work redemptivelywith the people who remained in the congregation.It was one of the hardest moments of ministry forme.I remember well one day when two women cameto me to invite me to be a part of a small group. Theyand their husbands and two other couples wereforming a small group that would work together toheal their own hurts and to grow together. Theywanted me to be a part too, not to lead, but to beministered to. For better than a year I was in thatgroup-and never once was there a sense that I wasdifferent from them. I was single-but I was a partof the community. You can imagine that thirty yearslater, those folks are among some of my treasuredfriends.Holidays are often difficult times for singleadults, especially those distant from family. It is truethat they can, on their own, initiate activity thatwould ameliorate the loneliness of the season-andmany do. But if the church is a true biblical commu-nity, holidays can be times when families of everydescription share with each other, making certainthat no single person is alone on a special day. It is apart of caring for each other's needs.3. Single adults need the opportunity for ministry inthe name of Christ.The contemporary church is often reluctant toturn significant ministry over to single adults. Thereasons are many-they are seen as incomplete, theyare divorced, they need ministry to themselves, forexample. They do need ministry-but they need alsoto minister. It is easy for singles to become self-ab-sorbed-that is easy for anyone in this culture. TheFamily 37corrective is to challenge people to find their fulfill-ment in serving others in the name of Christ.Have we forgotten Paul's advice in 1Corinthians7? "Now I say to those who aren't married and towidows-it's better to stay unmarried, just as I am"(1 Cor 7:8 NLT).He insists later (1 Cor 7:29-38) thatthe single person has opportunities for ministry thatare not available for those who are married.Paul is by no means stating that everyone shouldremain single. But he does insist that singles have afreedom to minister without other obligations, a free-dom that simply does not exist for those with respon-sibilities for a spouse and children. This challengeneeds to be presented to singles and understood bymarried adults, aswell. Singles need to be recruited,and then set free, tominister-not discouraged. Theirministry needs to be celebrated.Conclusion. .Singles in the church is a timely topic for a churchthat should no longer assume that being a "family"means ministering only to the traditional family.Churches and church leaders must come to gripswith the reality of the changing face of families. Theyneed to accept the presence of singles of all varieties,the challenge of ministering to those of every mari-tal status, and the mandate to equip them for minis-try-among themselves, to the huger body, and tothe world. The barriers must go. Community mustbe sought. Perhaps if Paul were writing today, hewould say, "All who have been united with Christin baptism have been made like him. There is nolonger Jew or Gentile, slave or free, male or female,married or single. For you are all Christians-you areone in Christ Jesus" (Gal 3:27-28 NLT).ELEANOR DANIEL is dean of Emmanuel School of Re-ligion, Johnson City, Tennessee, and a book revieweditor for Leaven.5Daniel: Confronting the Myths of Singles in the ChurchPublished by Pepperdine Digital Commons, 2001

Confronting the Myths of Singles in the Church

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Confronting the Myths of Singles in the Church

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