Zdrojkowski, Mary

English

Digital Commons @ Butler University

___________________ manuscripts 7When the Dark's All Doneby Mary Zdrojkowski4:00 a.m.Lucy lay squished against the far side of the king size bed she andher husband, Russ, had bought so they could sleep in stretched-outcomfort. She had been five months pregnant with their second childand, in the store at least, the bed had seemed more than sufficientspace-wise. She remembered the awkward feeling of trying out thebed while the salesman stood close by and how Russ, in typicalfashion, had just stood there also letting her ask all the questions.Lucy woke and saw their six-year-old daughter, Jenny, sleepingsideways and their four-year-old son, Timmy, nested in at the foot ofthe bed. Lucy sighed forcefully as much to vent her frustration as toawaken Russ. Getting no response, she got up ahd hauled thechildren back to their beds. She resented that she was the one whoalways had to haul the kids out, always had to tell them to brush theirteeth, always had to go to school conferences, always had to cleanup the baby's puke. It was as if Russ weren't even there.Lucy returned to bed and tried to return to sleep. Russ's snoringset her thinking that life with him during the day wasn't a whole lotdifferent; when she wanted to talk, he might just aswell be asleep forall the effort he put into the conversation.6:30 a.m.The alarm went off, waking Lucy who had just fallen back asleep.She, in turn, went in and woke Jenny for school. Russ was alreadydownstairs reading the paper. He had made coffee, for which Lucywas grateful, and a mess, for which she was not.Lucy began to make breakfast while Russ read, and Jennywhinedbecause she couldn't find her shoes. "Ask your father to help you,Jenny," said Lucy.The baby started crying upstairs at the same time the toast poppedup. Lucy hurriedly buttered the four pieces, stuck them in the ovenonwarm, took the boiling oatmeal off the burner and started towardsthe upstairs to get the baby.On her way she noted ashoeless Jennywatching cartoons and a prone Russ with the paper turned insideout and quartered to the crossword puzzle."Do r have to do everything around here?" Lucy said somewhatrhetorically and added more directly, "Russ, can't you at least helpJenny find her shoes?" He muttered something and threw the paperdown in reply.Lucy stomped up the stairs and stepped barefooted in the dirtydiaper that a proud Timmy had taken off the baby and left on the floor.7:30 a.m.Jenny's schoolbus arrived, and she departed. Russ exchanged hisrobe and slippers for a three-piece suit and a pair of wingtips, planted---~8 ___a round of kisses carefully avoiding getting his tie glazed by thebaby's snot, and left for the "real world," leaving Lucy in what shelogically extrapolated must be the "unreal world."Lucy watched her husband of ten years drive away and momentslater become a mere dot on the horizon in the picture window. Shewondered if in his rear view mirror she, too, shrank to nothingness.She gave a shrug, turned slightly and stopped when she noticed thereflected light from the television behind her turned the window intoa mirror. A moment ago the window had framed a scene from outside,her freshest memory of Russ. Now the view was of the inside andLucy studied what Russ must have seen.Lucy saw her short brown hair matted against her head fromsleeping and a used Kleenex peeking out of the pocket of her fadedrobe, which hung on her like a wet paper towel. Timmy, his backtowards the window, was oblivious to the graham cracker crumbscascading down his chin as he sat absorbed by the television showand the man in the cardigan sweater telling him that "you arespecial." The baby was lying on the floor, his rounded tummy holdinghim too high for his flailing limbs to help him crawl and looking like aturtle on its back in reverse. Lucy saw the baby spit up and wishedthe milky little puddle were just on the window and not running intothe carpet fibers..: 8:00 a.m.Lucy went about housecleaning with the intensity of a good workout. She warmed up by bending and stretching to pick up clothes,toys and the detritus of children. Twenty minutes of vigorous floorscrubbing, dusting, vacuuming and stair climbing worked her aerob-ically and left her sweating. She cooled down by dressing the kidsand unloading the dishwasher. She surveyed the house and theorder which had emerged from the previous chaos and felt good.Lucy put the baby down for his morning nap, plugged Timmy intosome story books with corresponding cassettes and went upstairsto shower. She luxuriated in the steam and could hardly see aroundthe bathroom when she had finished. She opened the door to letsome of it escape and dried off.As the vapor gradually dispersed, the foggy mirror began to clearfrom the bottom up. Lucy saw parts of her begin to appear and triedto appraise them as Russ might. First to come into sight were herlegs - long, lean and not yet marked by veins. Next, hips - gravityand three kids had taken their toll, but still nothing to be alarmedabout. Her belly was a little saggy and showed some stripes ofmotherhood, but nothing a swimming suit couldn't hide. Lucy hadregretted her smallish breasts, but when she saw them to be yet hig hand firm, she decided the pendulous boobs of older women weren'tanything to rave about. Her arms were nicely toned, neck smoothand face a little thinner than her college days.Russ used totell her that a man could fall into her big blue eyes anddrown. She wondered if he still felt that way. Except for a small mark1 manuscripts 9 _on her cheek where last week Dr. Clark removed a mole, her facelooked pretty much the same as it had ten years ago. All her friendstold her she looked young. All her friends except Russ.10:30 a.m."Mommie, I wanna go to the park," said Timmy as he crawled up onthe couch and rattled the newspaper Lucy was reading."Mommie wants to finish reading the paper," said Lucy."But I wanna go now," he whined trying to crawl into her lap.She pushed the child off her lap and began the same paragraph forthe fourth time."I WANNA GO NOW," he demanded and kicked her leg foremphasis.As Lucy slammed down the paper, sprang from the couch and triedto grab the fleeing boy, the baby's cry from upstairs and the phoneringing in the kitchen caused her to halt her step in mid-airindecision. When her foot came down, she was headed for thekitchen."Lucy? Dr. Clark here."The small boy buzzing around the kitchen and the screaming babyupstairs faded into the background as Lucy's senses becamefocused on the call. Doctors don't call. Receptionists or nurses call,but doctors don't unless it's serious."Yes. What is it?" she asked. Lucy felt her heart begin to beatfaster."Hopefully it's nothing, Lucy," began Dr. Clark, "but I want to besure. I sent a sample of tissue to the lab and the report just cameback.""But you said it was just a mole and nothing to worry about," saidLucy, waiting for him to quell the fear that was beginning to reach herconscious mind."Lucy, there might well be nothing to worry about. The report saidthat the specimen was a carcinoma in situ which simply means ... ""Cancer.""Very early stage cancer, Lucy. There is a difference. This shouldbe highly treatable.""How is it treated, Dr. Clark?" Lucy asked as she touched the smallspot on her cheek. She thought of how her mother had, over a matterof weeks, been gradually whittled away under a surgeon's knife."That depends on how far, if at all, it has advanced. Lucy, can youcome in tomorrow for some further tests? I don't mean to alarm you,but I think you'll feel better.""Yes, of course. I'll be there." Lucy hung up the phone, grabbed thestill racinq Timmy and held him close against her as she tried to stopshaking.2:00 p.m.. Lucy kept busy so the dangerous "what if" questions SimmeringJust below her conscious thought would not rise and cause herto fallapart before Russ got home. She fed the kids lunch, then cleaned the10 _refrigerator, jettisoning the leftovers of questionable age. Shesharpened pencils, updated her sitter list, straightened the linencloset and took down the kitchen curtains to wash. She realized thatthe last time she had washed the curtains was just before the babywas born and she knew she would be gone for a few days.Lucy tried to call Russ. She needed more than the doctor'sstandard assurance of "nothing to worry about." She needed Russ totell her how much he loved her and that he always would.Russ was in a meeting./4:00 p.m.Jenny and Timmywatched cartoons while the baby bounced in hiswalker and swatted at the toys stuck on with suction cups. Lucy wasin the kitchen fixing dinner and everything had fallen into the comfortof the evening routine. Russwould be home soon and Lucy felt shecould be positive until then.Lucy selected a large potato to bake for the three kids to split. Asshe scrubbed it, she noticed a bad spot on it. She began to cut it outwith a knife and realized the spot extended nearly all the waythrough the vegetable. Lucy jammed the potato into the disposal,turned it on, and felt a wave of nausea rush through her.6:00 p.rn.Lucy paced in front of the window waiting for Russ to come home.Asshe saw his car approaching, her first impulse was to run out andmeet him and blurt everything out at once. She was held back,though, by the realization that they could talk more rationally afterthe kids were in bed and not there to interrupt.Russ walked in the door and was tackled by Jenny and Timmywhose shouts of "Daddy's home" drowned out all six kids in theBrady Bunch. Lucy went about putting dinner on the table and withinfive minutes had everyone seated and eating. She was grateful forthe spilled milk, bickering and fussiness of her children; it added toher feeling that all was normal.7:00 p.m.Lucy washed Jenny's long dark hair - hair the same color as herown. Combing out her daughter's hair had been a special time forLucy. The ritual was somehow intensely private; a quiet momentbetween mother and daughter when they shared secrets. TonightLucy wondered, "How much longer will she be little? Will Jenny oneday have a little girl whose hair she'll comb?"And welling up inside Lucy, gaining momentum against her effortto control it was the question, "What if I die - who will love my childand fix her hair and share her dreams?"7:30 p.m.Lucy readied Jenny and Timmyfor bed drawing out the ritual. Witha sudden urge to linger on this quiet time, she found herself saying,"Yes,one more story. Yes,four more kisses. Yes, I love you, I love you,I love you."1 manuscripts 11She picked up her infant son and held him as if he were a dancingpartner - her cheek against his tiny one. Though his feet hung downno further than her ribs, his giggle reverberated through theirtouching cheekbones and went gently coursing down to her toes.8:00 p.m.Her babies asleep, she went down to Russ.Lucy was surprised at how calmly she related her previous con-versation with Dr. Clark to Russ. At the word cancer, he turned fromthe football game on television and looked straight into Lucy's eyes.She felt as if he were looking deeply into her, almost to her very soul.When he said, "Don't worry. It won't do any good and everything willbe all right," she felt as if she had perceived something that wasn'tthere. She had wanted him to say something less shallow, somethingthat didn't ring so hollow in her ears. What Lucy longed for was averbal potion or word elixir to ease her fear; what she got was a paton the head.9:00 p.m.Lucy got ready for bed and stood in front of the mirror examiningthe mark on her face. She wished she had microscopic vision andcould pick up any stray cells. Everything looked normal, but would ittomorrow?She went to bed glad that Russ was still downstairs. She found ithard to be close to him when the chasm between them was so wide.1:00 a.m.Lucy woke up disoriented. The darkness told her that morning wasstill a long way off, and her extended leg told her that she was alone.Fear flared in her heart, and she knew why. Lucy could no longerdistract herself or find something else to do. She tried to erase theimages of grieving children, of Russ trying to make dinner, and ofherself with parts of her body being carved away in a sterileoperating room. The fears became tears and she buried her face inher pillow to muffle the sobbing she could no longer control.Lucy noticed that it was suddenly hard to breathe. Russ hadnested in behind her with his arms around her as if he were a parentrestraining a child in a tantrum. She screamed that she was afraid ofdying, afraid of becoming something so ugly that he wouldn't be ableto look at her, afraid that her children would be motherless.Russ said nothing throughout Lucy's sobbing, only lay there withhis arms around her. And when the dark was done and morning hadcome, she knew that in the agony of her loneliness, he had held herheart.

When the Dark\u27s All Done

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When the Dark\u27s All Done

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