Gilliam, Gerri

English

Digital Commons @ Butler University

MANUSCRIPTS 27Old Emma'5 Albumby Gerri GilliamWe had been sitting in the living room around the coffee table, lookingthrough those same old photo albums. The cardboard pages were fallingaway from the binding and the pictures did not stick to them anymore Thecellophane coverings had turned yellow and were cracked The kidswantedto look at what they called the old-fashioned pictures every time they cameto visit me, which was not often.They always seemed to find one they had not seen before and that I hadforgotten. This time they had found one of me It had fallen out of its placeand lay upside-down behind three others. Greg the youngest of my threegrandchildren, had pulled it outI was sitting in the middle of a small gray boat in the middle of the lake thatwas near our house Junebug Nancy, Little Carol, and Tommy Leewere in theboat with me Everybody was holding their hands in the air and laughing withall their teeth showing except me I looked as if I were about to cry.After the kids left, I sat back in my worn, brown armchair and looked at thepicture for a while, remembering the day it had been taken.Little Carol's uncle had just come to town to visit and he brought a newcamera that he wanted to take pictures of everybody with. He told all of us togo home and ask if we could go on the lake to pose for him in the boat thatwas tied to a dead willow tree on the bank. Iwas so excited that I ran home toask my Mamma Jesse for permission.She was sitting on the wide wooden porch in a folding chair like the kindwe had in the choir stand at church. When I asked her,Mamma Jesselookedworried and said that maybe I should not since my Mamma was not homefrom work yet I told her it would be too late when Mamma got home, andthat it would be okay if she said I could, since shewas my grandmamma Shedid not say anything right away, so I reminded her that I was ten years old, abig girl Shewas about to say yes when Aunt Johnnie,who was sitting on theporch with her, told Mamma Jessenot to let me go. Shesaid I did not need totake pictures because I thought I was too pretty already. She said she hadseen me flirting with some older boys when I passed her house the daybefore on my way to school. I stared at her for asecond, then quickly lookedaway when her squinted yellow eyes peered hard at me. I did not know whyAunt Johnnie was lying She knew those boys always picked on me, and sheknew I threw rock.sat them to make them leave me alone. I wanted to tellMamma Jesseall of this, but I did not want to get slapped by Aunt Johnnie forbeing sassy.Anyway, Mamma Jessealready knew. I just stood on the porchwith the crowded wooden post holding me up, listening to the dark,wrinkled old woman. She said I was probably begging Little Carot s uncle totake pictures of me by myself and was probably just trying to get him to lookat me Aunt Johnnie told my grandmamma that Iwas sassyand that if she andmy mamma did not keep an eye on me, I would be a [ezebel before I wastwelve years old She said it was in my blood. I hung my head to my chest andlistened to her say how all my daddy's sisters were trash and thought theywere so pretty. Aunt Johnnie said their long black hair and half-white skin didnot bring them anything but trouble because boys did not respect them Shesaid I was just like them and called me a little yellow heifer.28 MANUSCRIPTSMamma jesse saw the tears in my eyes and told me not to mind anythingAunt johnnie said because she never had anything good to say aboutanybody. She told me to go ahead and have Little Carol' s uncle take mypicture and to bring one back to her. I kept the back of my hand across myeyes and told Mamma jesse that I did not want to take the pictures anymoreI told her I felt sick I said Iwanted to go inside and lie down Aunt johnnie cuther eyes at Mamma jesse and made a grunting Hold-you-so sound in herthroat without moving her lips.Mamma jesse pulled me to her and kissed meon the forehead then told me to run along She said to be sure to smile realwide and pretty for her on the pictures so everybody could see what abeautiful girl Iwas.Aunt johnnie breathed loudly and let the air pass from herparted lips slowly as if shewere trying to whisper. I turned around and quietlystepped off the porch. When Igot to the gate in front of the yard, I heard Auntjohnnie say that if Little Carol'suncle sent me home crying Mamma jesse andmy mamma had better not blame him because I would have encouragedhimIwalked into the road and the tears that had been brimming in my eyes ranhot down my cheeks and tasted salty on my lips. I knew Aunt johnnie did notlike me and she always let me know it But I did not know why.I rested my head on the white crocheted doily that covered the spotwhere the material was shredding on the back of my armchair and thoughtabout Aunt johnnie Shewas the oldest and the meanest of all five of Mammajesse's sisters. None of them liked me except the baby girl Augusta Shewasthe prettiest of all They were dark women, almost as black as the pot bellystoves that stood in the middle of their small wooden houses. EvenMammajesse was dark, but Aunt johnnie was the blackest Aunt Augusta would takeup for me whenever the others picked on me or made me cry. Wheneverone of my grandaunts had to babysit me, I begged for Aunt Augusta I criedwhen she could not because I knew one of the others would have to.Whenever any of them cared for me, they reminded me of how graciousthey were being and how much they thought I needed somebody to keep aneye on me. I remembered the last time I stayed with Aunt johnnie.My mamma and Mamma jesse had to go out of town for two days andAunt johnnie convinced them that I would best be looked after by her. Thefirst day I was there, Aunt johnnie made me haul three tubs full of water intothe backyard and wash some old stained and yellowed sheets in lye soap. Ihad to rinse them in the other two tubs of clear water, wring them out thenhang them on the line After two loads of tattered sheets that should havebeen thrown away, my hands became red, raw, and sore I hauled the tubs tothe edge of the yard where the woods started then poured the water out ofthem When I tried to stand up to stretch, my back and my stomach hurt Islumped down in the grass and began to cry, looking at my sore hands, untilthe thin black woman creeped onto the back porch and began squawkingwhat a lazy, shiftless little heifer I was.Later on that night Aunt johnnie let me sit on the porch while she and herfriends listened to the radio. I had asked her if I could sit and listen too, but shesaid no and slapped me for trying to be grown She told the ladies that Iwassassy because my mamma and grand mamma let me do anything I wantedand thought the sun rose and set in me Shesaid Iwas just aslick, shit-coloredlittle heifer who thought every man and boy in town wanted me I stood infront of her with my head down, looking at the blue veins in my feet while theold women mumbled their agreements. After she finished chastlsing me,Aunt johnnie told me to go onto the porch and to stay out of her sight Iwalked out of the room and closed the creaky screen door quietly behindM-\NUSCRlf'TS 29me. Iwas going to sit in the porch swing. but I looked down at Aunt Johnnie'spatchwork quilted cushion on the seat and decided to sit on the hardwooden stairs.I sat on the next-to-the-last bottom stair and pulled my knees to my chestand cradled my head in my arms. I looked at the light-colored skin on myfolded arm and hated it I did not want to be fair-skinned, and I did not wantanyone to look at me. Oneofmy braids fell into my face and Iwanted to pull itoff my head I hated the long. wavy black hair because they pulled it, yankingmy head and giving me headaches whenever they washed or combed it. Idid not want to look like my daddy or his sisters no matter how nice-lookingmy mamma said they were. They were the reason why Aunt Johnnie andalmost all my mamma's people did not like me. Aunt Johnnie said theythought they were better than everybody else because they looked whiteand that I did too. But I did not I wanted to be brown with short, curly hair. Iwanted to look like my mamma Isat on the steps crying and wishing I lookeddifferently until Aunt Johnnie made me go to bedThe next day, my mamma and Mamma Jessecame to pick me up early. Iran into my mamma's arms and buried my head deep into her chest Shehugged me tightly and kissed me, asking if I were okay. I told her that I wasfine and was only happy she was home. Aunt Johnnie sat on the edge of herporch swing and yelled over the bannister that she had kept aclose watch onme and made sure that I stayed out of trouble. Mamma Jesseglanced at hercoldly and held her arms out to me. I ran to her and wrapped my short armstightly around her soft, wide hips. She patted my back gently and kissed thetop of my head My mamma told me to come and sit on the steps beside herbecause she had a surprise for me.They were the pictures her friend Walter had taken of uson Easter.On one30 MANUSCRIPTS/picture, me and mamma were posing together, holding hands. Mamma wasdressed in her new beige suit and smiling. barely showing her teeth. Iwaswearing my new blue dress and carrying my small yellow purse high up onmy arm, smiling brightly. Mamma jesse said that Ilooked very pretty and thatmy eyes were shining. Aunt johnnie asked for the picture, looked at it for amoment, then dropped it back into my mamma's lap. She said my ma~m.alooked nice, but I looked like a little hussywith my chest poked out. ShesaIdItseemed as if Iwere trying to get Walter to look at my little yellow body andtake the picture only of me. Mamma jesse gritted her teeth and told Auntjohnnie to hush her nonsense talk and leave me alone. My mamma gatheredthe pictures and put them into her flowered black purse, then stood up andheld her hand out for me. She thanked Aunt johnnie for taking care of me andhanded her a five dollar bill Aunt johnnie quickly took the money and foldedit down inside her bosom Shesaid she would not have charged my mammaso much if I had not been such a problem child. Istared at her with hurt andhate in my eyes and wished that the chains on the porch swing would break Itried to understand why she hated me and why she lied. Mamma thankedher again and said she would not ask her to watch me anymore. As westepped off the creaky stairs and walked away from the house, Mammasqueezed my hand and winked her eye at me smiling. .After we got home, Mamma held me in her lap and told me not to thinkabout anything Aunt johnnie had said about me. She said that it was hard toexplain why, but Aunt johnnie was just an old, bitter woman and she really didnot hate me. Mamma told me not to be ashamed of my color or let peoplemake me feel bad because of the way I looked. She told me to be proud ofmyself and to stop letting people make me cry. For the next few weeks Idideverything she said. Itried not to be self-conscious or careful of how Ilookedor behaved around people. When Aunt johnnie or anybody else saidanything about me, I ignored them, continued on about my business. I hadbegun to like myself and even begun to think Iwas pretty too. Iwas happy.I remembered the day Uncle Charles, my Aunt Hattie's husband, cameover to pick me up and take me to his house.Aunt Hattie, who was amidwife,was doing rounds out in the country. She had asked my mamma if Icould dosome laundry and housecleaning for her. Mamma said Idid not have to do itif I.did not want to, but that Aunt Hattie would pay me five dollars. I quicklysaid yes and Aunt Hattie said she would have Uncle Charles come and getme. When we got to his house, Uncle Charles went into the yard and AuntHattie drove away in their blue '56 Ford Thunderbird. Iwent into the houseand began folding the clean laundry. Iwas cleaning the guest bedroom whenIheard Uncle Charles come in the back door. He walked through the housecalling me and found me in the front room off their living room He leaned onone arm in the doorway, talking about hischickens, then asked if Iwas hungryor wanted anything to drink Isaid no and he just stood and looked at me. Ibegan to feel uncomfortable and hurriedly dusted the chest of drawers so Icould leave the room As I passed him at the door, Uncle Charles lightlybrushed his free hand over my newly developing chest then grabbed myarm as Ijumped away. Istarted to cry and told him Iwould tell my mammaand Mamma jesse if he touched me again. He let me go and said he wassorry, but that he could not help himself because Iwas so pretty. He beggedme not to tell anyone and asked me to stop crying. Hetried to touch my handand Ijerked away. Then he said if Idid sayanything to anyone, they would sayit was my fault because I thought Iwas so pretty. Uncle Charles said he sawthe picture I had taken on Easterwith my mamma and thought I looked realpretty. He agreed with Aunt johnnie that Ilooked like Iwanted somebody tolook at me. He thought that Iwanted him to touch me, that Iwould like it.MANUSCRIPTS 31Tearsdripped from my chin onto the waxed, wooden floor as Iwatched thenasty smile on his face. I hated Uncle Charles and I hated myself. I wiped myfacewith acold rag in the bathroom and asked him to take me home. Idid nottell my mamma when Igot to the house, and I did not tell Mamma jesse. I feltguilty and dirty and did not want anyone to know what had happened. I triedto forget about it during the next few days, but I could not stop blamingmyself and I could not force Uncle Charles or the Easterpicture out of mymind.I sat up in my chair and tried to remember what had happened to thatpicture. Though I did not want it, Iwondered who had it I picked up the bentpicture from my lap and thought about it again.After I had left the yard with Aunt johnnie and Mamma jesse still sitting onthe porch, I walked down the road toward the lake and saw everybodylaughing with Little Carol's uncle snapping their pictures. I dried my facewiththe sleeve of my dress and stood watching them junebug pulled the littleboat up to the bank of the lake and called me to come and get in witheveryone else. I had been so eager to take the pictures before, but I did notwant to anymore. I stepped into the boat and junebug and Nancy pushed usoff the bank with fallen willow branches. Everybody was arguing over whatwe should do for our picture, and I listened to them Nancy said we shouldmake faces at the camera, then junebug told us all to shake our hands in theair and scream When the bulb flashed from the top of the black camera,everyone around me was laughing and shaking their arms,while Iwas sittingwith my head bowed.The kids had asked me why I looked so sad on the picture and was nothaving fun like the other children. I told them Idid not like to take pictures andhad not wanted to take that one. There were not many pictures of me in anyof the old albums and most were of me after I was married. Therewere onlyfive pictures of me asa child, including the boat picture, and I never smiled inany of themThis is the last of a series of poems written about Richard Brautigan,my favorite author and poet, who killed himself in September of 1984.Richard Brautigan Meets Joe DiMaggioby Jay Lesandrinijust like joeDiMaggio'sI wish I had yourbubble-gum cardA professor of mine oncemet you at a gatheringof poets and musicians.He, is joe DiMaggioto me.

Old Emma\u27s Album

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Old Emma\u27s Album

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