I call you god but you know I don\u27t believe. I never have. well, maybe I did once, for a few months, when I was nine. remember that little book of bible stories, the one with the mustard-yellow cover and shiny red letters? of course you know. you know everything. or you would, if I believed.https://digitalcommons.butler.edu/onearth/1023/thumbnail.jp

Logan, Kirsty

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Butler UniversityDigital Commons @ Butler UniversityOn Earth As It Is1-1-2010dear godKirsty LoganFollow this and additional works at: http://digitalcommons.butler.edu/onearthPart of the Creative Writing Commons, and the Religion CommonsThis Book is brought to you for free and open access by Digital Commons @ Butler University. It has been accepted for inclusion in On Earth As It Is byan authorized administrator of Digital Commons @ Butler University. For more information, please contact fgaede@butler.edu.Recommended CitationLogan, Kirsty, "dear god" (2010). On Earth As It Is. Book 8.http://digitalcommons.butler.edu/onearth/8HOMEABOUTAUTHORSCONTACTon earth as it isprayer as story, story as prayer   photo by matthew simmons dear godKirsty LoganI call you god but you know I don't believe. I never have. well, maybeI did once, for a few months, when I was nine. remember that littlebook of bible stories, the one with the mustard-yellow cover and shinyred letters? of course you know. you know everything. or you would, ifI believed. I spent hours staring at that illustration of lot's wife turning tosalt from the toes up. already her calves were bitty and pale under hershawls, but her hand in her husband's hand was still a hand. just. Istared at that photo and I also stared at the one of daniel about to getmunched down by lions and also the one of the tower of babel topplingover and also the one of sodom and gomorrah burning burning burning.you know my least favourite illustration, god? the last one. the one atthe very end. I didn't know what it was, but it looked boring. it hadsome animals like rabbits and lambs, and a bunch of trees, and a fewwhite people sitting on the grass and smiling the sort of smile my mothersmiled when my father talked about football or the next-door neighbourtalked about her new baby, that sort of 'yes, lovely' smile, but I knewshe didn't really care. I figured out what that last illustration was, andthen I didn't look at the mustard-yellow book any more. I told theneighbour that her baby was boring. I told my mother that heavenlooked boring. it's just a thing that little girls do, right? I had juststopped reading the mustard-yellow book when I met Her. She was anangel, god. there's no other word. She's been with me ever since. rightfrom the muddy spotting of our first periods to the swollen blush ofacne to the coke-sweetened kisses behind the bike sheds to the acheof tightened braces to close-mouthed smiles in yearbook photos. Shewas there, in my hands, on my heart. She was my girlboygirlfriend. butnow She's gone. I see Her in the halls between classes but She won'teven look at me. it's like we never shared popcorn or rolled down hillsor told secrets or rubbed against our pillows or said we would getmarried or did kissing that we said was for practice but it wasn'tpractice, god, it was real. it was what love tastes like. She said it'sbecause of Her parents. and Her friends, and Her teachers and Herfuture kids. but I know it's because of you. She thinks you wouldn'tapprove. She thinks things like damnation and wrath and hellfire andjudgment and burning. She thinks salvation. but I know salvation, god.salvation tastes of Her tongue. salvation smells of cut grass on the solesof Her feet. salvation feels like Her hair across my cheek and Herfingers against my lips. now there's nothing without Her. there's just arabbit and a tree and some white people on the grass, and that isnothing. I know I don't believe in you but I believe in Her, and Shebelieves in you. so I'm asking.so I'm praying.I'm praying.please.tell her it's okay.Kirsty Logan writes, edits, teaches, reviews books, and waits tables inGlasgow, Scotland. Get in touch at kirstylogan.com.<---Next Previous--->   Copyright © 2010 by On Earth As It Is.

dear god

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