In his excellent book on formula jokes, Jokes, Paul Dickson comments that What\u27s the Difference? jokes, a blend of conundrum and pun, can be found in very old joke books. Some of the examples below are homonymic in nature; others reverse the first and last parts of the name; yet others are spoonergrams

Phillips, Louis

In this issue, Word Ways introduces a new column which will appear from time to time under the above name, containing a variety of light-hearted wordplay sent by Louis Phillips to a circle of friends. Although in the original different genres are mixed higgledy-piggledy, here an attempt is made to present unified themes in the spirit of Mary Ann Madden\u27s New York Magazine column

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-106 THE APPLE-SAUCE CHRONICLES LOUIS PHILLIPS New York, New York in this 1ssue, Word Ways introduces a new column which will appear from time to time under the above name, containing a variety of light-hearted wordplay sent by Louis Phillips to a circle of friends. Although in the original different genres are mixed higgledy-piggledy, here an attempt 1S made to present unified themes In the spirit of Mary Ann Madden rs New York Magazine column. Brief explanatory materia 1 has been added in italics by the editor. Knock-knock jokes - the replacement of one word by another ha ving a simi] ar sound - have been around for a very long time, but they remain a vehicle for far-fptched puns. In the follolioflng, the for­mula lines 1, 2 and 5 ("KnocK-knock", "Who's there?", "[line 3J who?") have been omitted for brevity, and only lines 3 and 5 (the core of the jest) saved. Ideally, line 3 should be a person's name; however, any word can be used. Will Durant / Will Durant be paid this month? If not, you'll be evicted Arthur Ashe / Arthur Ashes on the carpet? Alec Guinness / Alec Guinness ale - do you? Arthur Fiedler / Arthur Fiedler's coming to play for our square dance? Ezra Pound / Ezra Pound of coffee in the house? Walter / Walter wall carpeting is on sale - let's go buy some Carl Sagan / Carl Sagan With the Wind is his favorite movie Zelda / Zelda house and let's move to the country Walter Pidgeon / Walter Pigeon is an obstacle; wall to eagle is no obstacle at all Tecumseh / Tecumseh close and still lose is difficult to accept Vida Blue / Vida Blue shirt all the time? Don't you have any other colors? Sarah Miles / Sarah Miles to go before 1 sleep Dinah Shore / Dinah Shore after you leave the yacht Aaron Burr / Aaron Burr is not as beautiful as hair on Bo Derek Lew Ayres / Lew Ayres when he asserts that James Madison was the second president of the United States John Wanamaker / John, Wanamaker happy? Show her some affection Adenauer / Adenauer in the spring and subtract an hour in the fall for Daylight Savings Time Oberon / Oberon the other side of the mountain is a bear Ezio P inza / Ezio, Pi nza tail on the donkey Dryden / Dryden wet - that's the weather forecast Noah Webster Hermann Hess' Joe Namath / Nina Simone I Andalusia / 1 Dis tance / Di Moisturize / Dimension / I Forcep / For< Afraid / Mra Sea Urchin / Saucer / Sau, Thumb / Thu Pooch / Pooc] Treatise / Tr Juarez / Jual Dismal/Dis! Mecca / Mecc lie down Kodiak / Kod Corset / Cor~ Zealots / Zei Madison Ave Dolley Smatter / Sm Condense / ( Papal / Pa without c Showboat / you've w Sardine / Sa Metatarsus / Hence / Hen< Alibi / Alr bout Lasso / Las Hits / Hits Abandon / f Swan / Swal Acoustic / P Mangoes / ~ Helmet / He Conceited / Contain / C another Fenders / F Boat / Boat Zodiac / Zc Brochure / Denmark / Tibet / Tib mn which will containing a Phillips to a ent genres are lde to present en's New York s been added mother ha ving time, but they Iling, the for­e?", "[line ]] ] and 5 {the erson's name; lot, you I 11 be r our square ly some movie to eagle is accept ve any other Bo Derek Madison was me affection hour in the lr 107 Noah Webster / Noah Webster named Daniel? Does he live here? Hermann Hesse / Hermann Hesse a bad cold and can't stay out long Joe Namath / Joe Namath his cat Rhubarb the Second Nina Simone / Nina Simoney? Visit your friendly loan shark Andalusia / Andalusia the tooth is the sooner it will fall out Distance / Distance is a waltz, but the next is a tango Moisturize / Moisturize keep staring into mine? Dimension / Dimension the fact that I'm here Forcep / Forcepper we're having hot dogs and beans Afraid / Afraid Astaire movie is on TV this afternoon Sea Urchin / Sea Urchin? It has a pretty dimple on it Saucer / Saucer Lancelot the other (klnight Thumb / Thumb people like dumb jokes like these Pooch / Pooch your lips next to mine and kiss me tenderly Treatise / Treatise knock-knock joke with respect Juarez / Juarez hell, said General Sherman Dismal / Dismalody lingers on Mecca / Mecca my bed soon, for I'm weary of living and fa in would lie down Kodiak / Kodiak like Buffa 10 Bill more often Corset / Corset's understandable why l' m late - my car broke down Zea lots / Zea lots of mountains on your Swiss vacation Madison Avenue / Madison Avenue outlook on life since he married Dolley Smatter / Smatter with you? You take too long to open the door Condense / Condense with me if you feel like waltzing Papal/Papal who live in glass houses shouldn't walk around without clothes Showboat / Showboat your hands to me because I want to be sure you've washed them Sa rdine / Sardine Mart in on TV the other nigh t Metatarsus / 1 never metatarsus; have you? Hence / Hence lay eggs, but roosters don I t Alibi / Alibi a new pair of boxing gloves for his championship bout Lasso / Lasso her laddie for palimony Hits / Hits a bird, hits a plane, hits super-knock-knock Abandon / Abandon the stage is playing our song Swan / Swan, too, three, four .. Acoustic / Acoustic is what you play pool with Mangoe s / Mangoes wherever woman goes Helmet / Helmet me at the movies the other night Conceited / Conceited people see the stage as good as standees? Contain / Contain [Taine, nineteenth-century French historian] write another history of England' Fenders / Fenders keepers, losers weepers Boat / Boat of us have been waiting for a long time Zodiac / Zodiac was used as a bea st of burden in Tibet Brochure / Brochure angry because 1 said Bro's a funny name Denmark / Denmark, den Matthew, den Luke, den John Tibet / Tibet on horses will cause you to lose money I 108 Ceylon / Ceylon Chaney for the days of the past Ransom / Ransom five miles to get here on time Disintegrate / Disintegrate knock-knock joke but it will have to do Messiah / Messiah do everythlng myself? Sallent / Salient home right now; do you want Sally to call you when she returns? Lampoon / Lampoon [oon, Scot. var. of on] at MacTavish I s so let's go visit Hollandai.se / Hollandaise work to speak French and English In contrast, What's The Question seems to be a more recent lnven­tion - I first became a\v'are of it in early Kicl<shaws columns by Dave Silverman. Here, the object is to infer some sort of weirdly­logical question that will elicit the answer. (Cover up the ques­tion, and see if you can guess it from the answer given.) DIRECT HIT What did Mike Nichols do to The Real Thing? WIRE SERVICE What is one way to get a message to the author of "The Shooting of Dan McGrew"? THE REST IS HISTORY Can you describe Rip Van Winkle's sleep in four words? DOGPA TCH What does a leaky Snoopy use to keep from losing air? BOX OFFlCE What did Jack Dempsey do to joe Office? PIG IRON What does Porky do on Saturday mornings? THROW THE BUM OUT What is the first rule for burlesque dancing? PRESS REPORTS What is the best way to get the wnnkles out of new spa per articles? MARK CLEAR Which Gospel writer 1S not obscure? THE BIG SLEEP What do giants do on Sunday mornings? PABST BLUE RIBBON How do you describe the first place memento given to the German film director of the Threepenny Opera? HOODWINKED What did Al Capone do when he saw a pretty girl? OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF MIND What early theory of sex has been disproved? OSCAR BRAND What do cattle owned by the Academy of Motion Pic­ture Arts and Sciences wear? STONEWEAR How can you best describe Medusa's wardrobe? GOL F CLASSIC What do you do when you putt The House of the Seven Gables? SPOTL IGHT Is D1ck and jane's dog heavy? NO GREAT SHAKES Why did the ice-cream pa rlor go out of bus iness? TIP O'NEILL What should you do if you are waited upon by the a uthor of the play The Iceman Cometh? BAKE SALES What did the cannibals do when they caught Soupy? JACK HAM How can you describe john Barrymore in two words? TUESDAY WELD What holds Tuesday together? NELSON RIDDLE What do you call the question "Why did Rockefel­ler cross tile road?"? SLAUGHTERHOUSE FI VE What was the name for the butchers' bas­ketball team? VICEROY What did Dale Evans tell her husband she didn't approve of? THIS BUD'S FOR MIKE HAMMER conversation 1 NEVER PROM' pee people K1M HUNTER \ book by Rue COLLEGE ENGLI PLEASE DO NO . make to the ERASERHEAD ~ mistake? S 1LVER STREAK the Lone Rc NICK CARTER dent used i THE CELTIC n when the m HUMPHREY CL11' PROCTOR & GA tions at the WHO'S HAPPY White and FALA LA LA U FRANK SHORTEl dog eaters? PIP SQUEAK too t ightIy' CARBON COpy ROBERT BROWN DUNKIRK Wha Champion? LAKE SUPERlOl Bergen? DIVINE INSPIIi the idea tc MIKE SQUIRES NANCY HANKS TOM HANKS W GOOSE BUMPS bending 0\ BLIND DATE the eyes 0 BOSTON POPS Fenway Pa ST 1FF -ARMED will have to ly to call you :Tavlsh's so 19lish recent lnVen­ws columns by rt of weirdly­up the ques­en. ) eng? to the author Ninkle's sleep losing air? lue dancing? ~inkles out of ? )lace memento Opera? ~tty girl? sex has been ,f Motion P ic­,be? House of the of business? upon by the 11 Soupy? words? lid Rockefel­tchers' bas­n't approve 109 THIS BUD'S FOR YOU What did God say to Lou Costello? MIKE HAMMER What does the CI A do to overhear a carpenter I S conversation? NEVER PROMISED YOU A ROSE GARDEN What slogan did the BUl'­pee people immediately reject? KIM HUNTER What do you call a librarian searching for a certain book by Rudyard Kipling? COL LEGE ENGLISH MAJORS Who's Afraid of Virgin ia Woolf? PL l;:ASE DO NOT DR 1VE ON SHOULDERS Wha t req uest did Gu 11 iver make to the Lilliputian stock-car team? ERASERHEAD Name a horror film based on Rosemary Wood's famous mistake? SILVER STREAK What were the headlines in local newspapers when the Lone Ranger's horse ran naked through the streets? NICK CARTER What did the old razor blade do when the 39th presi­dent used it to shave with? THE CELTIC TWILIGHT What do Boston sports fans call an evening when the moon looks like a baseketbalP HUMPHREY CL INKER How did critics describe a flop Bogart movie? PROCTOR & GAMBLE What do instructors do during final examina­tions at the Las Vegas School for Gamblers? WHO'S HAPPY NOW What did the director ask while casting Snow Whi te and the Seven Dwarfs? FALA LA LA LA How did FDR call for his dog at Christmas time'i FRANK SHORTER What is the most common complaint made by hot dog eaters? PIP SQUEAK What happens when you squeeze the Ace of Hearts too tigh tly? CARBON COPY Why did the math teacher give john Carbon an F? ROBERT BROWN ING What is Redford doing on the beach? DUNKiRK What does the bill collector do to the star of the film Champion? LAKE SUP ER lOR Is Veronica Lake as good an actress as Candace Bergen? DIVINE INSPIRATION What did critics call it when john Ford got the idea to cast Andy as the guard in Stagecoach? MIKE SQUIRES What advice did the CIA give King Arthur? NANCY HANKS What do you call tissues for sissies? TOM HANKS What do you call tissues for male turkeys? GOOSE BUMPS What did the vice-president do when Ms. Bumps was bending over the water fountain? BL IND DATE What do you get when you poke your fingers into the eyes of a fig? BOSTON POPS What do you answer when Willie Stargell asks where Fenway Park is? STIFF-ARMED How do you describe a corpse with a gun? 

The Apple-Sauce Chronicles

in my list, ented without or by noth­n the list ­)se three a p­:uation marks :ed comma in le mathemati­sociated with course, open ym group is ? Here, one >ronu ncia tions te enthusiasm is undou bted­lowel pron un­another, and ~ticular vowel ~efore, almost tal heteronym the following =ven different an alternate two of which as EXCEPT, Isual X sound /ling, lea ving the letter X. these words .ng the letter ther illustra­group, or to 229 THE APPLE-SAUCE CHRONICLES LOUIS PHILLlPS New York, New York In his excellent book. on formula jok.es, Jok.es (Delacorte, 198]), Pa ul Dick.son comments that What 's the Difference? jok.es, a blend of conundrum and pun, can be found in very old jok.e book.s. Some of the examples below are homonymic in nature; others reverse the first and last parts of the name; yet others are spoonergrams. What is the difference between music by Camille Saint-Saens and a stupid skeleton? One is a Danse Macabre, the other is a macabre dance a lock on a liquor cabinet and a top base stealer? One is a brew lock, the other is a Lou Brock a pacifist and the author of On the Beach? One will never shoot, the other is Neville Shute a house of ill repute and the author of Les Fleurs du Mal? One is a lair of bawdy, the other is Baudelaire the capital of Louisiana and a knavish conductor? One is Baton Rouge, the other is a rogue baton a certain 1947 movie and curses by the Rosemary's Baby heroine? One is the Foxes of Harrow, the other are the hexes of Farrow a doorman and a fashion designer? One closes doors, the other adores clothes martial law and a person who has no mongrel dogs? One has a curfew, the other has few curs a common herb and a Confederate general doing his grammar? One is parsley, the other is Lee parsing a priest'S white robe and the capital of New York? One is any alb, the other is Albany extreme fright and a na ughty girl? One is acute shock, the other is a cute shocker the n urn ber thi rteen and a sleepy pa stry cook? One is a baker I s dozen, the other is a dozing baker a twin with a scar and the author of Tom Sawyer? One is a marked twin, the other is Mark Twain a person who saves his paycheck and a former Cubs player? One banks earnings, the other is Ernie Banks a goof-off and a stable boy? One horses around, the other is around horses 1 '230 Superman and a baker with day-old bread? One is a man of steel, the other is a man of stale a sacred place and the heroine of Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm? One is a temple, surely, the other is Shirley Temple a dentist and the female lead in Star Wars? One fishes for caries, the other is Carrie Fisher a United Nations diplomat and a bachelor? One is UN-attached, the other is unattached the letter. F and the gold statue of .Prometheus in New York?' One is at the center of Rockefeller, the other at Rockefeller Ctr shrimp fried in a beer batter and an antique piece of furniture? One is dipped in ale, the other is Chippendale a composition by Khachiturian and a teetotalling moron? One is the Sabre Dance, the other is a sober dunce a person with amnesia and a long-distance runner? One has a lapse of memory, the other a memory of laps a pool player starting a game, and a lucky casino gambler? One banks the break, the other breaks the bank a rug in front of an entrance and a bullfighter? One is'a doormat, the other is a matador a Brooklyn Bridge salesman and a Vogue magazine illustrator? One. is a can artist, the other is a Conde artist Although not mentioned by Dickson, the juxtaposition of two approp­riate movie titles for a hypothetical double feature is a common type of formula wordplay. A rela ted gambit consists of hypothetical movie titles with appropriate actors or script-writers. The Grapes of Wrath / The Wild Bunch The Girl on the Front Page / Libelled Lady Follow Me Quietly / Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte Swingtime / The Hanging Tree The Lady Vanishes / Grand Illusion The Elephant Man / The Ugly American Hurricane / Gone With the Wind Earthquake / California Split The lron Man / The Iron Maiden / The Magnet Hair I Shampoo Who Done It? / The Servant I'll Cry Tomorrow I Moscow Doesn I t Believe in Tears Easter Parade / It Happened on Fifth Avenue Victor Victoria / Hey Boy ~ Hey Girl! Giant I You're a Big Boy Now Caesar and Cleopatra / Made For Each Other Broken Arrow I I'll Fix It! Guess Who's Coming to Dinner? / The Iceman Cometh Second Honeymoon / Brideshead Revisited Rear Window / l' 11 Be Seeing You Comrade X Dressed to Breakfast Seven Brid Bob & Car< Which Way Applause / Do You Tal The D.l. / Sleeper I ; On the Bea Get Out Yo Pffft! / Yc Bananas / California Rip Van W The Old M, Two Mules Apocalypse The Story Spider-Mar 1n Search Ha ir, star Goldfinger The Blackt Another Pa and A Covenan Oh! Calcut Noah and The Miss ling Maggie, 0' Cats, star Tired Jock The Disco\i Betrayal, Bound for The Fill in: The Postmi Punning var ables is a p MAAT DIll DUNE MAR1 MAX PLAN} GENE SARA NATHAN E for I HARPOON 1 SOLO-MON ZORROASTE 'ook Farm? " York? kefeller Ctr f furniture? ,n? aps ambler? ustra tor? two approp­IS a common hypothetical 231 Comrade X / 10 Dressed to Kill / Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid Breakfast at Tiffany I s / Come and Get It Seven Brides for Seven Brothers / To Each His Own Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice / Caesar & Cleopatra / The Deep Six Which Way to the Front? / Advance to the Rear Applause / Big Hand for a Little Lady Do You Take This Stranger? / I Do, 1 Do The D.l. / E.T. [weight-watcher's special] Sleeper / Z On the Beach / Paleface Get Out Your Handkerchiefs / I'll Cry Tomorrow Pffft! / You Said a Mouthful Bananas / The Egg and I California Split / All the King I s Men Rip Van Winkle / The Big. Sleep The Old Maid / Everything I s on lee Two Mules for Sister Sara / Are Husbands Necessary? Apocalypse Now! / Boom! The Story of the Pay Toilet, starring Johnny Cash Spider-Man, starring Clifton Webb ln Search of a Diet Soda, starring Tab Hunter Hair, starring James Beard and Fuzzy St. Knight Goldfinger, starring Tom Thumb and P inky Lee The Blackboard Jungle, starring Victoria P rinci pal Another Part of the Forest, starring Helen Twelvetrees, Twiggy, and Woody Allen A Covenant With Death, starring Gene Hackman Oh! Calcutta!, starring Max Baer Noah and the Flood, starring Ethel Waters The Miss Piggy Story, sta rring Mia Farrow, script by John Suck­ling Maggie, C;irl of the Streets, script by Anthony Trollope Cats, starring Kitty Carlisle at the Greenwich Mews Tired Jockey, starring Rider Haggard The Discovery of Electricity, starring Ned Sparks Betrayal, starring Marianne Faithfull Bound for Glory, script by the Marquis de Sade The Filling Station, starring Vittorio Gassmann The Postman Always Rings Twice, starring David Letterman Punning variations on the names of various real or fictional not­ables is a perennial sport, as illustrated by the following: MAAT DILLON ancient Western hero from Egypt DUNE MARTIN number one crooner from the lost planet of Arrakis MAX PLANKTON physicist lost in the Bermuda Triangle GENE SA RACEN golfer who attacked Christians in the Crusade Open NATHAN EXHALE "I regret that I have but one breath to give for my country" HARPOON MA RX the most silent person a board the Pequod SOLO-MON lonely wise king ZORROASTER prophet who cuts a Z in your forehead :232 BINGA CROSBY pygmy singer from Central Africa KICKSHA GABBA I HAYES Hebrew Western star FILIBUSTER KEATON long-winded comedian BIANCA JOGGER runner who uses a breath spray ER lCH FROMMAGE noted writer on the psychology of the big cheese THE POL YUR ETHANE OF CA WDOR modern plastic Macbeth tCREMONA LISA violinist with the enigmatic smile CHARLES W.ANN CORIOLANUS Shakespearean burlesque star Ashton, MarYDAVID FARRAGO medley of U. S. naval officers BOBBY COXA hip baseball player KickshawsBACHELOR unmarried German composer editors. AllLUAU BROCK Hawa iian baseball star who steals feasts PORCELANA TURNER movie star who fights age spots BABYLON CHANEY the ancient world's favorite horror actor town, New jel Collinear WorDECADESI ARNAZ Cuban bandleader who performs every ten years PHARAOH FAWCETT blonde leader of Egypt GWEN VERDUN French dancer who achieved notoriety during World War I HOOPOE old bird who wrote The Raven FRANK PERDU chicken man lost in France MAELSTROM THURMOND politician in midst of powerful whirlpool Letting A into a seque Likewise, HUI respectively. ty - if we umn: 7GOY LOMBARDO bandleader who plays during the Jewish New 8Year ROY CAMPAN 1LE Brooklyn Dodgers bell ringer 9 BUNNY GOODMAN Easter jazz musician MERCY CUNNINGHAM choreog'rapher who shows great compassion QUASI QUOMODO hunchback who asks in Latin "What's the matter?" AMOS AND ANDES famous radio comedy team depicting two blacks lost in South America LOTTO LENYA actress who emcees bingo games CECIL B. CAMILLE sobbing movie director MOLE BROOKS underground film maker of comedies STANNUM MUSIAL the baseball tin man LAX BARKER loose Tarzan star BLOIS LANE reporter on the Loire Daily Planet TOM MX missile cowboy star EDWARD ALGAE seaweed playwright SP 1RO AGNEAU French lamb-like veep COMANCHE GUEVERA American Indian revolutionary leader CARAVAN JOHNSON actor who travels across deserts THE LOAM RANGER the underground cowboy ROBOT REDFORD the most handsome of the humanoid actors STROMBOL 1 THURMOND volcanic senator SIGMUND FEUD psychiatrist who promoted conflict PETE MOROSE sullen superstar 10 11 12 Note that the bers in the third column have to int( can be disref If we thin z coordinates and we can exhibited abc ponds to thE stra igh t line "colI inear wo Another set 3 4 5 CHIPPENDALE EVANS cowgirl from the last half of the eighteenth century 67 CORTEX RITTER cerebral cowboy 8 BUCKY ARDENT passionate shortstop 9 10 VECTOR MATURE fa vori te movie star of mathematicians PL YMOUTH ROCK HUDSON first Pilgrim to make it big in Hollywood In this caSETOM LASORDID baseball manager with shameful past SIERRA BERNHARDT mountainous actress of great range 

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The Apple-Sauce Chronicles

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