All of creation, whether animate or inanimate, strives to satisfy the ultimate, elemental logological low - one requiring that designations to begin with letters in the first half of the English alphabet (A through M)

Borgmann, Dmitri A.

English

Digital Commons @ Butler University

16 HlSTORY REINTERPRETED DMITRI Dayton, A. BORGMANN Washington All of creation, whether animate the ultimate, elemental logological nations to begin with letters in the bet (A through M). or law first in-animate, one half reof strives quiring the English to all satisfy desig­alpha­CHRISTIANITY, the leading religion in Western society, postulates a GODHEAD comprised of the LORD ALMIGHTY, JESUS CHRIST, and the HOLY GHOST. Philosophers speculate about a universe transmut­ed from CHAOS into COSMOS, set against a background of INFINITY and ETERNITY, and operating under the laws of CAUSE and EFFECT. Late-twentieth-century scientists have conjured up a CYCLICAL COS­MOS existing as the consequence of a primordial BIG BANG, the latter followed by a long period of EXPANSION, which is to be fol­lowed by a correspondingly long period of CONTRACTlON - one end­ing in a BIG CRUNCH, with the entire cycle then starting over. Religion, philosophy, and science have, therefore, joined forces, scrupulously observing the ultimate logolog ica 1 law. Human affairs are also governed by that law. The legendary prehistoric civilizations of ATLANTlS, LEMURIA and MU respected it, as did the earliest civilizations known to history: those of AS­SYR lA, BABYLON lA, CHALDEA, CHINA, EGYPT, GREECE, and INDIA. Anc ien t ROME was conspicuous for defyi ng the law, with ca tastroph­ic consequences: it collapsed, plunging all of Europe into intellec­tual darkness for a thousand years. The intellectual and economic revival of western Europe was led by ENGLAN D (later, GREAT BR ITA IN), FRANCE, GERMANY, HOLLAND, and ITALY. But joining those nations were two last-halfers, SPAIN and PORTUGAL. The former hoped to escape disaster on the strength of its original name, HISPANIA; the latter, on the strength of its original name, LUSITANIA. The two nations also relied on the names of their respective capitals, MADRID and LISBON, to keep them a­float. These subterfuges failed. Spain, for example, suffered the horrors of the Spanish Inquisition, and was the first western Euro­pean power to lose its empire, built up largely in the Western Hem­isphere. At first glance, the UNITED STATES is saddled with a name that dooms it. Closer inspection, however, reveals that this doomsday name is merely a shortened form of AMER ICA, THE UN ITED STATES OF. The nati.on is, moreover, frequently referred to simply as AMER­ICA; is known poetically as COLUMBIA; is actually just a refur­bished version of the ENGL ISH COLONIES; and is pictured through­out La tin defensive ing in the Almost , American got off to preSident. ington: Jo that their of the alpl Americar next eight ADAM JEFFl MADl~ MONR This de time - thn TYLE POLK Once aga il no concomi him to 10; a mean al MORE, res\ was once PIERCE, Wi buted to i disaster ­Pierce's The next 1: BUCHl LINCe JOHNS GRANl HAYE~ GARFl The pass insta lIed tI-ROOSE TAFT, Except dur presidents meti.cal mea ted States, War 1 - ar of h is final s to satisfy ~ all desig­5lish alpha-postulates :HR 1ST, and transmut­of IN FIN lTY nd EFFECT. CL ICAL COS­; BANG, the is to be foI­l - one end­:irti ng over. ined forces, e legendary 10 respected those of AS-and INDIA. catastroph­nto i nte llec­ope was led {, HOLLAND, lfers, SPAIN he strength ength of its n the names eep them a­suffered the estern Euro­lJestern Hem-a name that is doomsday lTED STATES ly as AMER­1St a refur­~ed through­17 out Latin America as the "COLOSSUS of the North." Th is fi vefold defensive layering gives Americans some logological hope of surviv­ing in the difficult years ahead. Almost as significant as the national name are the surnames of American presidents. It must be admitted that the fledgling nation got off to a very bad start by making George WASHINGTON its first president. What saved it was the vice president serving with Wash­ington: John ADAMS. Average A and W numerically, and you find that their arithmetical mean is 12, safely within the first half of the alphabet. Americans quickly discovered the elemental logological law. Their next eight presidents were, accordingly, first-halfers: ADAMS, John ADAMS, John QUincy JEFFERSON, Thomas JACKSON, Andrew MADISON, James BUREN, Martin Van MONROE, James HARRISON, William Henry This dedication to logological lawfulness then we'akened for a time - three last-half presidents followed: TYLER, John POLK, James K. TAYLOR, Zachary Once no again, Americans concomitant vice were sppresident, ared from reducing catastrophe -the arithmetical Tyler mean had for him to 10; Polk I s vice presi,dent was George M. DALLAS, producing a mean also of 10; and Taylor's vice president was Millard FILL­MORE, resulting in a mean of 13. The next president! FILLMORE, was once again a solid first-halfer, but his successor, Franklin PIERCE, was not. Pierce's vice president, William R. KING, contri­buted to an arithmetical mean of 131-, flirting dangerously with disaster - one that did not, through sheer luck, materialize. Pierce's tenure in office was followed by a return to sanity. The next 11 preSidents were credentialed first-halfers: BUCHANAN, James ARTHUR, Chester A. LINCOLN, Abraham CLEVELAND, Grover JOHNSON, Andrew HARRISON, Benjamin GRANT', Ulysses S. CLEVELAND, Grover HAYES, Rutherford B. McKINLEY, William GARFIELD, James A. The passage of time dulls memories, however, and Americans next installed three consecutive last-halfers as presidents: ROOSEVELT, Theodore WILSON, Woodrow TAFT, William H. Except during the first 4 of the 16 years in question, the vice presidents serving with these presidents did not bring the arith­metical mean down to 13 or less. As a direct consequence, the Uni­ted States was drawn into the then greatest war of all time - World War I - and President Wilson was paralyzed for the last It years of his final term in office. 18 The bitter lesson seemingly learned, Americans elected three con­secutive first-ha lfers next: HARD lNG, Warren G. HOOVER, Herbert COOLIDGE, Calvin Becoming unconscionably careless again, Americans then chose -Franklin D. ROOSEVELT president. During his first two terms in office, the nation was saved by Vice President John Nance GARNER, who helped produce an arithmetical mean of 12t. For his third and fourth terms, however, Roosevelt picked Henry A. WALLACE and Harry S TRUMAN for his vice presidents. These mistakes were fatal ­Pearl Harbor and World War 11 followed promptly; Roosevelt died in office; and his hand-picked successor, Truman, embroiled the na tion in the Korean War. President Truman was succeeded by three first-halfers: EISENHOWER, Dwight D. JOHNSON, Lyndon B. KENNEDY, John F. Then came last-halfer Richard M. NIXON and disaster - the Uni­ted States lost the Vietnam War and Nixon became the first presi­dent forced to resign in disgrace (after his original vice presi­dent, Spiro Agnew, had resigned, also in disgrace). The next two presidents were, once again, respected first-halfers: FORD, Gerald R. CARTER, James E. In 1980, Americans returned to their errant ways, electing a last-halfer, Ronald W. REAGAN. At this writing. it is too early to render a final verdict on Reagan's tenure in office. If the Uni­ted States survives intact. the credit will belong to Vice President George BUSH. whose surname contributes to an arithmetic a 1 mean of only 10. When will Americans [ina lly learn to accept the decree of the ultimate logological law? REQUEST FOR HELP Paul Dickson (Box 80, Garrett Park MD 20986) IS compiling a baseball dictionary for Facts on File, and has developed a headlist of 5000 official terms, phrases and bits of slang related to this sport. He ....,1ould like to correspond with read­ers interested in this subject, especially baseball slang. NEW El DMITRI A. Dayton, Wi In receJ contributin fact for w are for n a very mi chemical e tional elerr the numbe at 103, tl (element 1 Unbekn01 is an imn that rangE hordes of of this ar mental rid There a: is a set of as the nuclei of i ~ (New ted by Jul rectical ZE 1. Since I to list the I eventuai Letter to issue of t kins, a c one given that some ter, Harki zero: NEUT ed these for its sir endings 0: element zel Comprisi for elemen dependentl: 

History Reinterpreted

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History Reinterpreted

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