Pings, C. J.

Name not available

The Life in a Day 
with the Faculty 
Board 
Ever wonder what goes on 
in higher academic 
circles? An exclusive inside 
report by C. J. Pings. 
The first meeting o f  the Faculty Board 
for the 1971-72 academic year was called 
to order by the Chairman o f  the Faculty, 
GEORGE w. HOUSNER, in the Millikan 
Board Room at 3:05 p.m. on Monday, 
October 8, 1971. The call to order was 
delayed slightly while the Secretary of 
the Faculty, PROFESSOR DONALD HUDSON, 
moved to the back o f  the room to close 
the main doors to  the Board Room. 
Present were various elected and ex- 
oficio members and guests, including 
undergraduate and graduate student 
representatives and several faculty mem- 
bers having specific items on the agenda. 
After approval o f  the minutes o f  the 
meeting o f  May 3, 1971, the chairman 
called on the president and then the 
provost for various announcements, 
which took perhaps 25 minutes in view 
of the accumulation o f  business over the 
summer months. The chairman then 
announced the appointment o f  several 
individuals to the Graduate Studies Com- 
mittee, and separately the membership 
o f  the newly approved Student Housing 
Committee. 
At this point the student body presi- 
dent, STEVEN WATKINS, quietly arose and 
left his place at the table. 
HOUSNER: "I have one last announce- 
ment. Since two members of the Faculty 
Board, Professors Gell-Mann and Pine, 
will be away this year I should designate 
replacements." 
WATKINS: (returning to the middle o f  
the room) "Can anybody tell me how I 
can get out of here?" 
There is a somewhat nervous silence 
while several people shuffle papers, and 
finally PROVOST CHRISTY replies curiously: 
"Do I understand that you no longer 
wish to attend Faculty Board meetings?" 
WATKINS: "No, I just want to get out of 
the room." 
CHRISTY: (relieved) "Oh. That door is 
rather heavy; just give it a good push." 
WATKINS: "I did. It's locked. And 
there's no handle on the inside." 
CHRISTY: "There's a telephone in the 
cloakroom. You might call the librarian 
and ask him to have the door opened from 
the outside." 
HOUSNER: "Perhaps we can get along 
with our business. As I[ said, in view of 
the absence from the campus this year of 
Professors Pine and Gell-Mann-" 
WATKINS: (returning to the room) 
"The cloakroom is locked." 
PROVOST CHRISTY and PROFESSOR 
INGERSOLL arise and accompany WATKINS 
to the back of the room. They push briefly 
and impotently at the door. 
HOUSNER: "Perhaps while this is going 
on we can continue. I was suggesting 
again-" 
The attending members are less than 
fully attentive as they all watch CHRISTY 
attack the cloakroom. The door is 
finished beautifully flush with the panel- 
ing of the entry hallway, and there is no 
protruding handle. However, there is a 
lock some 18 inches from the floor. 
CHRISTY is now down on his knees trying 
all the keys at a provost's disposal. 
HOUSNER: "Perhaps while this is going 
on we can continue." 
He is interrupted by CHRISTY returning 
to  his seat, shaking his head in defeat. 
PROFESSOR ROBERT HUTTENRACK leaps t o  
his feet. 
HUTTENBhCK: ''I'll get LIS Out of here." 
He goes to the north window, shoves 
aside the drape, and begins pounding 
0 1 1  the window. A student passes by. 
Hull ENBACK pounds more loudly, gets 
the student's attention, then waves his 
arms frantically. The student smiles 
broadly, waves back, and proceeds on up 
the stairs to the Millikan Library. 
HUTTENBACK: "We're really trapped. 
They can't even hear us on the outside." 
HOUSNER: "Perhaps we can proceed." 
HUTTENBACK: "Yes, yes. G o  ahead 
with the meeting. I'll get somebody's 
attention." 
HOUSNER: "In view of the 
vacancies-" 
NBACK He is interrupted by HUTTE 
firmly pounding with both fists on the 
window as a group of three Oriental 
students passes by. They stop and stare, 
fascinated, at the Dean o f  Students and 
Acting Chairman o f  the Division o f  
Humanities and Social Sciences pounding 
wildly on the window, with several other 
faculty members standing behind him. 
HUTTENRACK: (shouting in a loud 
voice) "We're locked in. Get somebody 
to open the door." 
l i e  points in the direction o f  the locked 
back door. A s  he shouts louder-still 
unheard on the outside-and points 
more forcefully, the students nervously 
edge away and finally turn their backs on  
the whole proceedings and stride quickly 
out o f  sight. 
HUTTENBACK: "They simply can't hear 
us. We need a sign." 
VICE PROVOST PINGS turns over his copy 
o f  the agenda and scrawls on the back 
side in large letters: "OPEN DOOR." 
He hands this to  HUTTENIIACK, who holds 
it up to  the window and waits expectantly 
for another passerby. 
HOUSNER: "While we arc waiting-" 
but he is interrupted. 
PROFESSOR BERGMAN: (rather nervous- 
l y )  "Is it true there is no fire exit in this 
room?" 
PRESIDENT HAROLD DROWN: "NO. . . 1 
guess . . . there is not. If we were really in 
trouble, I suppose we could throw a chair 
through the window and wade out 
through the moat." 
HUTTENBACK .\tart.Y pounding again as 
another group of three students, again 
principally from the Far East, comes into 
view. 
HUTTENBACK shouts, pounds on the 
window, and points to the sign. The 
students stop, try in vain to  hear HUTTEN- 
BACK, and with some interest look at the 
sign. 7 hey talk to  each other, smile 
knowingly, and walk off, perhaps feeling 
that HUITENBACK, the distinguished 
professor of history, is belatedly advocat- 
ing a new foreign trade policy for the 
United States. 
HUTTENBACK: "We'll have to put more 
information on the sign." 
PROFESSOR SHAIR writes out a more 
detailed message which he hands to 
HUTTENBACK, who now holds both signs 
in the window and waits, only briefly, 
until an undergraduate emerging from 
the library passes by. HUTTENBACK pounds 
vigorously. Without really breaking his 
pace, the student nervously looks the 
situation over out o f  the corner of one eye, 
elects for non-involvement, and keeps 
moving with a determined step. 
HUTTENBACK: "@ #-/%&!" 
PRESIDENT HAROLD BROWN: "Perhaps 
he has gone to tell other students, and 
they will make demands for our release." 
HUTTENRACK: "Ah! I think 1 have 
somebody this time." 
He begins to gesture and pound at two 
passing employees o f  Physical Plant. 
They respond quickly to  the pounding, 
gesturing, and the sign, and move on- 
can it be?-in the direction of solving 
the problem. 
HOUSNER: "I suspect that our problem 
will shortly be solved now and perhaps 
we can return-" 
It is t o  no avail, as three or four board 
members arise and stand expectantly on  
the inside o f  the Board Room doors, and 
a somewhat excited random dialogue 
goes on in the background. 
VOICES: "Well, even they may not be 
able to get us out immediately. '['he lock 
is some sort of an electronic device." 
"Well, at least it wasn't the trustees 
that were locked in." 
"Nice image for an engineering 
faculty, I must say!" 
There is a babble o f  excitement at the 
door and then a sigh of relief from 
everybody in the room, as one side o f  
the massive door swings open. Several 
step outside to  inspect the door from 
the exterior, but it slowly starts t o  
swing closed again. The resulting gasp 
in unison from everyone in the room 
causes somebody to grub the closing 
door, open it all the way, and firmly 
latch it in an open position. 
WATKINS and several faculty members 
leave. 
HOUSNER: "Gentlemen, it will come as 
no surprise to you that T am filling the 
Pine and Gell-Mann vacancies on the 
Faculty Board by the appointment of 
Professors Leverett Davis and James 
Gunn to serve for this year. Now that the 
announcements are out of the way, 
perhaps we can move to the next item of 
business on the agenda." 


The Life in a Day With the Faculty Board

http://calteches.library.caltech.edu/2881/1/life.pdf

The Life in a Day With the Faculty Board

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