Uyeno, Faith

English

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Writing Waves Volume 5 Article 16 May 2022 Alone, But Not Lonely Faith Uyeno Follow this and additional works at: https://digitalcommons.csumb.edu/writingwaves Recommended Citation Uyeno, Faith (2022) "Alone, But Not Lonely," Writing Waves: Vol. 5, Article 16. Available at: https://digitalcommons.csumb.edu/writingwaves/vol5/iss1/16 This Article is brought to you for free and open access by the Student Journals at Digital Commons @ CSUMB. It has been accepted for inclusion in Writing Waves by an authorized administrator of Digital Commons @ CSUMB. For more information, please contact digitalcommons@csumb.edu. Uyeno- "Alone, But Not Lonely" Writing Waves JournalAlone, But Not LonelyFaith UyenoCW: This piece contains themes of suicide.Keywords: suicide, kids, loneliness, suicide prevention, mental healthI have always enjoyed being by myself, as I often find the pres-ence of other people mentally taxing. My mom has even told mehow throughout my life I preferred my own company. As a child, Ihad told everyone that I liked being alone, so they simply left mealone. Despite living in a house with 8 other people, I rarely saw orinteracted with them outside of necessity. As much as I liked beingalone, I didn’t fancy being lonely. Children have a hard time man-aging their emotions, and I was no different. My personal neglect–amongst other variables– led me to grow up incredibly lonely anddepressed. Eventually, that loneliness and depression led me to spi-ral mentally to a point of destruction when I was only 11 years old.At 11 years old, I was in 6th grade, 4 foot 9 inches, missing 2 teeth,liked hair bows, and had yet to start my period. At 11 years old, Iwanted nothing more than to stop feeling and to stop existing, so Itried to do just that. Luckily, the destruction I wanted to wroughton myself was not fatal, but the damage was already done. It tooka long time for me to mentally recover from the event, and evenlonger to think about healing. It took years before I was able topick myself up and want to live life for all its grandeur. Eventually,I met some people that made me realize something that would savemy life: no one is truly alone.In my freshman year of high school, I was required to take alanguage class, so I simply took what I thought would be the easiest:Spanish. The classroom was set up so people sat in pairs at eachdesk. The first day I sat at an empty desk and waited for someoneelse to join me. Right before class started, a girl came in and satPage 1 of 5Uyeno- "Alone, But Not Lonely" Writing Waves Journalnext to me. We didn’t talk until the teacher told us to introduceourselves to our partners; we did just that. I found out that her nameis Leslie, she was a freshman like me, and she was in the advanceddance classes at the school. This last bit of information caught myattention, which led us to talk about our mutual love and interest indance. By the end of the class, we had exchanged numbers and wereexcited to hang out again. We would soon find out that this was ouronly class together, but this didn’t deter Leslie. She was adamantthat we hang out more outside of class, since we didn’t share many.We would hang out during break, lunch and after school wheneverwe could. We tended to talk about our mutual passion for danceand our interest in choreography. I didn’t try out for the higher-level dance classes prior to starting high school because I didn’tknow they existed. Leslie helped me convince the dance teachersto move me to a higher level dance class due to my experience, butunfortunately, they could not move me to the highest level danceclass—which Leslie was in—because it was full. Leslie and I weredisappointed that we couldn’t share the class together, but we stilltended to learn and choreograph dances together for class. I wouldeventually try out for the advanced dance class that Leslie was inthe following year, and get in. From sophomore to senior year, Leslieand I had the time of our lives dancing, choreographing, and justenjoying each other’s company together.It didn’t click with me at first, but eventually, I realized thatLeslie didn’t make me feel mentally drained by being around her. Idon’t often enjoy spending a lot of time around people, and I tendto be very awkward when I do. It takes so much energy out ofme to have a mundane conversation with anyone whether it be afriend, peer, teacher, or family member, but with Leslie, somethingwas different. Something about her just made it easy for me to becomfortable with her and talk to her. Leslie would eventually go onto be one of my best friends throughout high school and even to thisday. She really made me realize that as much as I like being alone,it sucked to be lonely. And merely being in her presence made mefeel less lonely.Leslie ended up being the first person I became comfortableenough with to tell of my previous attempt on my life. I rememberthe day after I told her so vividly. She came up to me during breakand broke into tears before she could even begin talking. She toldPage 2 of 5Uyeno- "Alone, But Not Lonely" Writing Waves Journalme that she didn’t realize, until much later, that when I said I triedin 6th grade, I was only 11 years old. She didn’t realize that 2.8%of the 46,000 people who successfully die of suicide each year are10-13 years old (CDC). She couldn’t even find out the number ofkids from 10-13 that tried and failed, yet 1,288 kids still succeeded;kids just like me that were still losing teeth and trading Pokémoncards at recess. It didn’t take long for me to begin crying with herand to comfort her, but she stopped me to explain that she wassorry that I felt such a way at an age when I shouldn’t have. Shetold me that she wished she had been there for me to show me howmuch she loved and cared about me, but since she couldn’t changethe past, she said she would settle for being here for me now andin the future. At that point, we were both crying and hugging eachother, and it remains one of my fondest memories. Even as I writethis, I can’t help but tear up and smile fondly.Unfortunately, I would again reach a breaking point my sopho-more year of high school. All of the stress and loathing I had beenfeeling came to a head. I was spiraling again and this time, I didn’twant to. In that moment of hesitation, I remembered Leslie or someof my other friends when they were there for me, had somethingnice to say, laughed with me, cried with me, and just made me feelless alone. Above all else though, I remember those words Leslietold me that fateful day I told her about my last attempt. Thememory of all of the times I spent in good company was enough tobring me back from the brink of destruction. In that moment, I wasphysically alone, but for the first time in a long time, it didn’t feellike I was.That moment changed everything for me. It completely shiftedmy mindset and even led me to seek professional help with my men-tal health issues. I still struggle mentally, but now there is a self-assurance that I feel whenever I am physically alone. I can’t get ridof the feeling, but I can replace it with another, stronger, feeling.Now, it is easy to simply remember all of the words, people, andmemories that bring me comfort and joy to replace that loneliness.This has led to more self-confidence and self-assurance in myselfand my place in life. It has also led me to be more present whenI am around people because it made me realize how kind words,compliments, and concerns can help and reassure people.As painful as it was at the time, I no longer look back at thesePage 3 of 5Uyeno- "Alone, But Not Lonely" Writing Waves Journalexperiences with a heavy heart. Depression and suicide are nothardships you are meant to face alone. As tempting as it may be,those who choose to fight them alone are the ones that lose. Funnilyenough, people often say there are paths that you must walk alone—which I think is true; sometimes you must physically walk the pathby yourself, but that does not mean you are alone. I still tend tospend most of my time by myself, but knowing that I—and everyoneelse—am not alone has helped me tremendously. People do not haveto be physically present with you to be there with you. Any persondead or alive, friend or family, lover or stranger, and fictional or realthat has made you feel comforted, loved, or cared for is always withyou. My time with Leslie is a prime example of just that. Memoryis a powerful thing and it’s the memory of every moment you werenot alone that ensures you never feel alone even when you physicallyare.Works Cited“Facts about Suicide.” Centers for Disease Control and Prevention,Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 24 Oct. 2022,https://www.cdc.gov/suicide/facts/index.html.“Suicide Data and Statistics.” Centers for Disease Control andPrevention, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 28 June2022, https://www.cdc.gov/suicide/suicide-data-statistics.html.About the Author:Faith Uyeno is a Liberal Studies major at California State Univer-sity, Monterey Bay with aspirations of becoming a teacher. Shegrew up in Fullerton, California as one of four kids to her Hawai-ian, Japanese father and Caucasian mother. Faith is an avid bookPage 4 of 5Uyeno- "Alone, But Not Lonely" Writing Waves Journalreader, a lover of cats, and an amateur artist.Page 5 of 5

Alone, But Not Lonely

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