Van Cleave, Ryan G.

English

The Open Repository @Binghamton (The ORB)

Harpur Palate: a Literary Journal Volume 4 Issue 2 Article 3 January 2005 Mr. Bertel Poem #3, or Smart-ass-ology 101 Ryan G. Van Cleave Follow this and additional works at: https://orb.binghamton.edu/harpurpalate Recommended Citation Van Cleave, Ryan G. (2005) "Mr. Bertel Poem #3, or Smart-ass-ology 101," Harpur Palate: a Literary Journal: Vol. 4: Iss. 2, Article 3. Available at: https://orb.binghamton.edu/harpurpalate/vol4/iss2/3 This Poetry is brought to you for free and open access by The Open Repository @ Binghamton (The ORB). It has been accepted for inclusion in Harpur Palate: a Literary Journal by an authorized editor of The Open Repository @ Binghamton (The ORB). For more information, please contact ORB@binghamton.edu. Ho ORABLE M E TIO1 MR. B ERTEL Pou-1 #3, OR Ryan G. Van Cleave v 101 Dusrin Ben e!, a. k.a. "Berri e from Room 30," was originally rhe shop reacher, bur CL1 rbacks made him my eventh grade science reacher, rhen larer, my Engli h reacher, where ou r ftrsr projecr was wriring len ers ro our elecred repre entarive of lllinoi , en. Paul imon. The purpo e of the exerci e: ro demon rrare rhar our opinion rnarrer. To rhi dare, none of rhose letter received a re pon e. We didn'r hare Berrie, not really, but it was me who slapped bumper ticker onro his brown Plymourh Dusrer one nighr: " o many cars ... so few recipe!" and "Don'r pi me ofr. I'm running our of place to hide rhe bodies. " I ad mit rhar he had a sen e of humor about being fo rced imo a roomful of teenage freak how , bur all bees were off when he said one afrernoon rhar, " narci i r i omeone better looking rhan you are." He adored jazz, ofren playing Coltrane tapes in the background while we read poerry he assigned, usually frou-frou tuff like melancholy bouts of madness and leaves that turn red and golden then ea e ro rhe ground on rheir own quick wings. When we switched out hi arch mo casserre for Van Halen, he erupred, flingin g himself onro his desk and hooti ng like a barn owl. The nexr day, we had Mr . how in read, who didn't peak English well bur read us real-life headline from a joke book all period. "Body earch Reveal $4,000 in ra k. " "April laced a Child Abu e Month." "Counry Want Money I O HARPUR PALATE 1Van Cleave: Mr. Bertel Poem #3, or Smart-ass-ology 101Published by The Open Repository @ Binghamton (The ORB), 2005for Taking Dump." Time is rhe grear equalizer, my facher cold me, and he's righr. Being a reacher now, I undersrand Berrie's pain, having recendy received essay wirh line such as: "One of rhe cau e of rhe Revolurionary War wa rhe English pur racks in rheir rea," and "Wriring ar rhe ame rime a hake peare wa Miguel ervanre. He wrore Donkey Hote. The nexr grear aurhor wa John Milron. Milron wrore Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrore Paradise Regained." Afrer a long day of reaching, I ip ahara marrini and Ii ren ro Maynard Fergu on wail old harlie Parker wne . The nighr sofcens inro a blouse of dark, and I chin k ofcen of Berrie, how he had rhe brown eyes of a good-hea rred beagle and told us rhar ir wa through rhe imagination rhar we rwi t over rhe wer rocks of rhe world, an idea I only remember now as the geese are slanting south again. Berrie returned afcer the Coltrane thing, quieter perhaps, but game enough ro reroure our inrere r by telling u , "Tear are made up of almosr the same ingredients as urine" and " In Yukon, Oklahoma, it is illegal for a patient to pull a demise's toorh. " rill , we poured green food dye in his cla room humidifier and called him Dirry Berrie when he starred daring the hot-mama lady janitor. Ju t today rhough, l found an entire banana ruffed in my Blazer' tailpipe, and a bumpersricker on the wind hield. "As long as rhere are resrs, there will be prayer in public chool " My wife thinks ir's funny. My father, knowing rhe rap heer of my juvenile years, says it's karma. Bur in the brisk and hallow re de ne of mid-autumn, I come to rerm with rhe weed-choked shore of my life: if Berrie did nor exi r, ir would be nece sary ro invent him. H ARPLR P ALAfl I I 2Harpur Palate: a Literary Journal, Vol. 4, Iss. 2 [2005], Art. 3https://orb.binghamton.edu/harpurpalate/vol4/iss2/3

Mr. Bertel Poem #3, or Smart-ass-ology 101

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Mr. Bertel Poem #3, or Smart-ass-ology 101

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