Anonymous, A.

English

University of Richmond

The MessengerVolume 2017Issue 1 The Messenger, 2017 Article 282017Like, my first suicide attempt turns 5 this yearA. AnonymousFollow this and additional works at: https://scholarship.richmond.edu/messengerPart of the Poetry CommonsThis Poetry is brought to you for free and open access by UR Scholarship Repository. It has been accepted for inclusion in The Messenger by anauthorized editor of UR Scholarship Repository. For more information, please contact scholarshiprepository@richmond.edu.Recommended CitationAnonymous, A. (2017) "Like, my first suicide attempt turns 5 this year," The Messenger: Vol. 2017 : Iss. 1 , Article 28.Available at: https://scholarship.richmond.edu/messenger/vol2017/iss1/28Like, my first suicide atten1Jt turns 5 this year I I Anonymous my insurance company requires 90 day prescriptions so now I have 90 lorazepams, as in, I'm living between the potential of having died 5 years ago and death, or something like it, bottled up in my hand; as in, I could die, but I won't. I believe this with a nearly supernatural conviction: my higher power is my own will to live, or something like it. after insurance, the lorazepams were less than a penny each. there is no verb in english that means 'to receive without effort.' in my life I have discovered two ways to stop wanting to die. the first took months and months of intensive psychiatric treatment. the second was by losing you, but you died and so you'll never know it. one wintry morning in your Hudson Valley eco-home we took vodka shots & then you taught me the forms of the Greek subjunctive. how the Greek subjunctive works is that the thematic vowel lengthens & in that extra space the word invites in potentiality, it infuses potentiality within itself. we weren't good students and we missed class a lot, but because of that I have this gift: whenever I encounter a Greek subjunctive, I'm reminded of your life. and I will never not have this. we both wore velvet shirts to the midterm. this was not intentional, but it could have been. 34 four weeks before your death, you apologized and I found this strange. it seemed as if your apology was for your essence, which had never hurt me, and as far as I knew, it had never hurt anybody. you also said you were at home, in California, receiving treatment, with effort, effort of the sort which tingles within a body until depression settles in, and forces it to stick against the darkness just beneath the skin --the effort needed to unstick this. I have 89 lorazepams. I have taken the prescribed dose. it's been some time, but lorazepam tolerance never repairs itself entirely, so I will never not have this. my phone rings. someone begins to speak. the tingling in my hands is absent, or something like it. Deep Enough I I Fatima Del Barco 35 

Like, my first suicide attempt turns 5 this year

https://scholarship.richmond.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=2063&amp;context=messenger

Like, my first suicide attempt turns 5 this year

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