Nude Home Teacher

Sierra “So there was this girl in my ward, Mariah, who I knew was an art student, so we decided to take ‘Drawing 2’ Together. So we’re taking Drawing 2 Together, they use nude models, it’s like whatever. Like the first couple times it’s weird and then it’s not weird anymore. So we get this email before class, from Ray, the Drawing professor and he’s like ‘Hey guys, just want to let you know…” cause we’ve used professional models up to this point. [Interjecting into his email quote] “…we’re having a student model come in today, so please be really cautious. When you come into class, please turn off your phone, and keep it in your backpack… just so there’s no…. like just to protect yourself, so that there’s no accusations that you’re like taking photos or anything, make sure to be really respectful, please be on time… blah blah blah” -- [Interrupted by waitress, the conversation side tracks to talking about the normal, professional models, includio Mario a frequent model for her class] -- Sierra: “so hE [Mario] was great to work with, so he [the professor] list’s off [that Mario would be coming] and the student’s name is like ‘whatever.’ And I’m just like skimming this email, and I’m like ‘whatever.’ And I’m like getting ready for class, and Mariah my next-door neighbor calls me and is like ‘Oh my Gosh Sierra, we can’t go to class today.’ And I’m like ‘Dude, we need to go to class, of course we need to go to class’ and she’s like ‘DID YOU NOT READ THE EMAIL?’ [said in a hushed yell voice] she’s freaking out at me, and I’m like ‘Mariah, I read the email, I don’t know why it’s such a big deal, like yeah, it’s a student model’ and she’s like ‘No did you read the name of who it is?’ and I’m like ‘yeah, but like I don’t know him’ she’s like ‘YES YOU DO! It’s Johnny in the ward, our home teacher!” [same hushed yell voice] and I was like ‘NNOOOOOOOOOOO’ and I’m like, ‘I’m not going, I can’t go to class, I can’t see my home teacher naked…’ Travis: “Did you GO?!” [Long pause] Sierra: “Well…” [Travis getting so excited to hear the end of this story, banging on the table] Sierra: “I made Mariah call him, I’m like ‘Call him and tell him: there are two girls in the ward in this class, and he will not show up, I guarantee it’ So she’s like ‘Okay.’ so she call’s him and tells him, and then she calls me back and says ‘he said he’s just going to stand it up, he’s not going to go’” Travis: “But doesn’t that effect like the whole class?” Me: “Stand it up”…”You get it?” [Me interjecting an inappropriate joke to laughter from Travis and rolled eyes from Sierra as she continues the story] Sierra: “So we just went to class, and like, he didn’t show up, and Ray was super mad, and was like ‘This guy called in sick at the last second’ and Mariah and i were like ‘well, too bad, lets get to work’…” Travis: “Come one why didn’t he just follow through with it, like he’s over at your house the next week, sharing some message from the Ensign [Mormon magazine] and you’re like ‘I’ve seen your penis’ that would just like hit you right then…” [story devolves into questions about nude models

#280characters

[The Chicago Bears use the limit to reference a Saturday Night Live Skit, in Humor] [I use the new limit to share a longer portion of a classic poem, more than I might have previously, as a proud English Major] [Student uses satire to mock the new limit, playing the part of an annoying internet user who abuses and overuses the limit] [a reference to both 420, the marijuana celebration, and a classic meme from It’s Always Sunny in Philidelphia, that explains confusing situations] [user shows the full limit of how bad this change could be] [TV Show Law And Order use the limit to show their entire intro dialogue, which, in itself, is a meme on the internet] [Nat Geo uses the new limit to post all the animal emoji’s and show they are happy with the new limit] [NBA Ref’s use 280 to mock people’s criticism of them] [Dictionary Company uses 280 to define “Extravagent”] [New York Yankees, known to be the winningest baseball team in MLB history, take the opportunity to post all of the years they have won the world-series, in one tweet. Bragging] [a play off of another viral post, this student mocks STEM (Science Technology Engineering Math) majors, referencing the 280 phenomenon, stating his tweet of 280 characters will have a better audience on twitter than they STEM Major’s 20 page research paper. The original tweet was STEM major’s mocking liberal arts students and how easy their work was

Y don\u27t U kiss my A

pictures [The Most common design, surely the one printed the most time, uses the actual Block Letters, heavily vectored, with soft edges to justify not breaking copyright issues] [Here a student with an Anti-BYU sign wears the shirt, as does the man with blue hair, and two others in the photo] [A less common design, but more well done, this version could not be mass produced as it utilizes copyrighted trademarks of the universities, their logos. Also a variant of such

USUSA Signature Tokens Collection

The President’s Office, Currently President Michael Scott Peters, has a door. [yes and entire door.] IT is a door that used to lead to the adjacent office, but now, opening to a blank wall, serving as a micro-closet, is signed by the past Presidents. The Executive Vice President has a large vertical flag, signed back at least 15 years, that is currently displayed behind VP Blake Harm’s Desk prominently. Student Advocate Vice President has a small [child toy] gold colored bull. It is signed back a few years, but will soon be completely covered. It sits on a shelf of VP Baldwin. Student Alumni Vice President, a new position as of last year, already has one, a Gothic type banner, carrying a single signature, and is hung on the wall of VP Brendon Brady CHaSS Senator has a Felt V banner, hung above my desk, signed back 8 years. It bears the block A, not the athletic logos. Ag Senator has a small toy John Deere Tractor, held in a display case, the signatures are in the bed of the trailer, and only has sporadic signatures, as if some senators did not know or choose to sign. Heather Lieber, incumbent Senator has not signed yet. Admin Assistant has a painting, of Old Main, on display in that office. On the Back are signatures. Currently on display in Admin Assit. Dallin Johnson’s office. Athletics Vice President mentioned that they are done differently and many, many items are passed down year to year, and the original gifter usually signs their object only. Other officers did not respond, or were unaware of any objects

First Kiss, Lacrosse Star

[Had explained to us that both Lacrosse team’s, male and female shared the same practice space and crossed over on practice times] Sierra: “A lot of us, the girls, would come early, and run and warm up, and the guys would like stay after their practice and there was like a thirty minute window when we all play together, and we just mess around, shoot on the goal, and it was like fun, it was a good way to make friends, like between the teams, and we were all pretty close. Like when the girls’ choice dances, like MORP [Prom backwards, a Utah term for girls’ choice dances] like the Anti-prom came around, we would go with the guys team and we would make them wear our jersey’s and we would wear theirs, and it was so funny, because ours were like tank tops on them stretched out, and theirs drown us like dresses, and it was just…, we thought it was so funny. And stuff like that, we would just do all the time. But they had two team captains, on their varsity team, and one of their captains was a year older than me, he’s like a senior, and he’s talking to me, and everyone is like ‘Sean’s into you’ and I’m like ‘no, he’s not, because he’s like a Senior and the captain of the lacrosse team, and I’m an Honors student and a dweeb, like NO he’s not into me, that’s not how it works’ and there like ‘no he’s totally into you.’” [Distracted by roommates] Sierra: “So anyways, we’d been like hanging out as teams together, and then it got to like my close friends on my teams with him and his friends, and then pretty soon, it’s just like him and I who are hanging out. But I’m still just dense, ya know what I mean? I’m just like ‘no, this guy’s not into me, that’s not what’s happening’ Anyways so we have mutual friends, and girls’ choice formal is coming up, and Sean, Matt, and I are playing wall-ball one night, and it’s late, and I hear Matt talking to Sean, and he thinks I can’t hear because I have earbuds in and he’s like ‘It’s my senior year, and I didn’t get asked to Girls’ choice formal’ –I wasn’t planning on going- ‘and I’m not going to get asked…’ So it all kind of weird, because it’s kind of a vulnerable conversation for two guys to be having, and I was like ‘SHOOT’ cause I hadn’t asked anyone, and so I tell Sean ‘I think I have to ask Matt” [Conversation diverges, but come back to pick up Sierra while she is sick, to go ask Matt] Sierra: “So I go drop the thing off at his house, still in my pajamas, still so sick, and Sean is like ‘how about we hang out, do you want to watch a movie?’ I’m like ‘No, I really just want to go home, I don’t feel good’ and he’s like ‘No, let’s go back to my place, I want to watch a movie’ and I’m like ‘I really, just want to go to bed honestly…’ and he’s like ‘no, we can just watch a show, like a TV show, it will be quick, let’s hang out let’s do something.’ And I’m like ‘Sean, I’m really sick.’ And so somehow he talks me into this and I’m like ‘Alright, I’m just going to fall asleep on your couch’ and we pull up to his house, and it turns out that his parents had this rule that if they weren’t home, he couldn’t have girls over, right? And he’s like ‘o can we go to your house’ and I’m like ‘sure. Fine. I don’t care’ so we go back to my parent’s house, and my parents have this loft over their garage, and so we’re in my loft, watching TV, but he’s trying to pick something, but like I’m so sick, by this point I’ve already taken NyQuil, I’m dying. I’m at THAT point, I needed to take something, it was too late in the day to take Dayquil, I just felt so gross, I’m like ‘let’s watch somethings that’s like 30 minutes, and then you gotta go home, and I’m going to go to bed and we can like hang out another time’ he’s like ‘okay.’ So he’s trying to pick something, he’s like, he’s suggesting all these weird shows, and I’m like I don’t care we’re just going to watch something for twenty minutes, he’s flipping through channels, and I’m just like ‘I just am going to fall asleep here, Sean.’ And he’s like flipping through and he finally settles on like on Animal Hoarders.” [Distracted by talk of the next day’s basketball game against BYU] Sierra: “Anyway, I’m like exhausted, and feeling gross, and he’s flipping through channels, settles on Animal Hoarders, not cause we picked it, but just cause like he’s talking to me and the show’s on, right? It’s like the lease romantic show of all time, it’s about people who have too many animals, and their also hoarders.” [a bunch of questions about this horrifying show] “Anyways, this story is also horrifying, Sean is like 6’5” and I’m 5”9” so we’re like sitting there and we’re watching the show, and we’re on a catch that’s like this size [motioning to my three seater couch] and that’s all my parents have up there, so we’re on that, and I want to go to bed, so I throw a pillow on Sean’s lap and I’m just like laying down, sleeping. BUT his arm is like this [showing us that it’s under the pillow]which I didn’t realize, and we’re like watching animal hoarders, and by WE I mean, He is, and I’m trying to go to sleep cause I feel sick, and I’m just thinking I want him to go home.” [distracted about teenage awkwardness] “Anyways so he’s like watching the show, and he says something to me He’s like ‘uh, hey, Sierra?’ and I’m like ‘yeah?’ and I turn up, and like look at him, because he’s talking to me, so I’m like looking at him, right? And he like begins his descent. [She starts laughing hard at this point] So he has his arm under the pillow, with my head on it, and like pulls my head up to his face, but he’s like 6’5” and carries a lot of his height in his Torso, he’s like a large person, and he closes his eyes before he begins his lean, so he’s not aiming at this point, he’s flying blind, no directional control. So I’m sick, I’m seventeen, we’re watching Animal Hoarders, I’m in my pajamas, there’s no consent ha, and I don’t understand initially what’s going on, until it’s too late. And I like, I’m still convinced that this guy wasn’t into me, like I would’ve been into him, but I’m like ‘oh he’s not interested in me, we’re just friends’ and so he goes in for it, I just like panicked, I just didn’t know what was happening, and I was like help, this is not what I imagined my first kiss going like, he just like smashes his face into mine for maybe like, three seconds, and then just straight drops me onto his lap. And I’m just like ‘WHOA.’ And he’s literally says out loud, I’m not making this up ‘YESSSS’ [she’s making a downward fist pump, like Tiger Wood’s does] And I’m just laying there so confused and I’m like ‘okay, so can I go to bed now? Is this what we were going to do tonight?’ [Conversation diverged

Worst Date, Kate

Me: “What is the worst date you’ve ever been on?” [Not skipping a beat] Ryker: “OH. Easy. Junior Ball. Her parents drove, we did not get dinner, I had to live off the winter mints they have on the table, and like the water…like you know at high school. You go to a high school dance and they have the little ‘Lifesaver Wintermint’ I had to live off of those and water, and a to-go box out of my friend’s trunk. [laughing] it was from his date, because of course THEY went to dinner.” [interjecting] ME: Wait why did you not go to dinner?” Ryker: “Because… I don’t know… we didn’t go to dinner. It was a girl’s choice dance, and I literally got asked two weeks before the dance, she moved in to the school from like Florida…” [interjecting roommate] Luke: “Well buddy you chose the. Wrong. Girl.” [Frustrated and annoyed] Ryker: “IT was a GIRLS. CHOICE. DANCE. Those are not an option. You cannot say no, or you will never go to a dance again.” Luke: “Is this true? I guess we didn’t have girls’ choice dances” Ryker: “Yeah we had girls’ choice dances, and if you said no, you were never getting asked again. You were an asshole who would never get asked to a girls’ choice dance again.” [Luke interjects with story about girl at his high school] Ryker: “Well I don’t know where that story came from, but anyways, she picks me up, and to her credit, she did clean up really quite nice, I was impressed, I was like ‘WOW.’ I mean she wasn’t like ugly, but she wasn’t like ‘wow, this girl is going to be damn good looking in a like a dress’, but then she showed up in this like black dress, and I was like ‘okay, well hello.’ So we start walking out to the car, and I was like ‘oh yeah, there’s people in the car’ and like, I figured so, cause I knew she didn’t drive. So I was like sittin there, and it’s like winter, and she’s from Florida, so she’s really not going to drive now, so I’m like ‘ oh it’s our group.’ And I hopped in the car and it’s Dad, Mom in the passenger seat, and little brother in the backseat In the middle with us. So I’m like ‘this is literally a movie, like I’m getting punked’ Like Ashton Kutcher was going to pop out of nowhere and be like… Anyways, so we start driving, I’m like, well her dad’s pissed, because I’m trying to give him directions. And he’s like “SNOW. FLORIDA. ‘F’ EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD’, ‘how dare you take my daughter on a date: Don’t look at her’” [said in quite the sarcastic angry voice] He’s being the usual dad, pissed off. And her mom’s doing the usual “So what do your parents do?... What do you like to do? …Where are you from?...” And then little Brother’s playing video games. And then like halfway through this drive, I have this conversation in my head that is like ‘OH SHIT, are they going to dinner with us?’ I’m like ‘are we going to have this family dinner, and me?’ and I’m like. NO they dropped us fifteen minutes off early, before the dance starts. It’s start’s at eight, I’m there at 7:45. Like the Vice Principal is still setting stuff up, the lights aren’t even off yet. And you can tell. And this is how great my Vice Principal was, She’s like, Sue Bayles, loved her to death, she was my homie. But you could just tell she was like strugglin’, like “OH YOU’RE HERE, AWWWESWOME” [shrill female surprised voice] Like they don’t have a table out for tickets yet or anything, so she’s like “okay, go right in, have a grand ole time’ she’s just like ‘SHIT what do I do, I don’t know, there is nothing set-up, but I am going to act like it is perfectly normal that you are here’” Spencer: “…On time...” [laughing] Ryker: “EARLY. We were there EARLY. I walk up stairs thinking ‘there is going to be no-one, but us. Like only us will be here. WRONG. There is like eight kids from the damn theatre group, Which, OF COURSE, SHE KNOWS, And is friends [with.] And at the same time I’m sitting there like ‘why the hell are we not with these kids, because these kids surely got dinner.” [laughing] “AND, their parent’s did not drive. I would rather sit awkwardly with nine people I did not enjoy, then have to ride alone, in a car with parents, and not-get-fed. Like…” Me: “Had your date already ate?” Ryker: “I don’t know.” [High voice, unsure, almost hoping] “I mean she didn’t text me and say “Hey, eat dinner before” and when she said “I’ll pick you up at seven” that didn’t sound weird because lt was like we’ll go to dinner, and then show up at the dance at like nine, so like nothing was out of the usual for a normal dance. Had no reason to raise a red flag.” Luke: [faintly] “That’s fuckin’ hilarious…” Ryker: “And like, it’s like when you played sports, when you stopped moving, or stopped running, your coach would make it worse?” Me: [referring to Luke] “Yeah he didn’t play sports…” [knowing he played sports, but mocking his weight] Luke: [pissed] “Who are you talk about? ME?” [Ryker laughing trying to keep his sotry on track] Ryker: “So it was like that though, with dancing, It was like that with dancing: Like if I stoped dancing, I would have to talk, and it would be worse, so I power-fisted, dance moved, three and half hours man. [lots of laughter] I was not stopping for anything. Like “unce unce unce” [making techno dance songs while dancing for us] -- [Conversation diverged to talking about grinding style dancing] -- Ryker: “So like then during the dance, she would come up to me and be like “We have an hour and fifteen minutes left.” in like five to ten minute intervals. Like, giving me this minute break down, so I’m like “we can go, if you’re just counting down the minutes… We don’t need to stay the whole time” So at this point, I’m finally having fun. I’ve finally got some sort of energy, and my friends are there so I can just like chill with them, and ya know, like she was around, I didn’t ditch her… Every slow dance I danced with her…” -- [Conversation diverged to talking about how this girl actually helped Ryker graduate in a class] -- Ryker: “So like the dance get’s over, and I think it’s like ‘oh I’ll head to the car and I can talk to her mom’ WRONG. It’s just dad. Who is pissed off again, because it’s snowing, and he’s not in florida, and this state is awful or something. So we’re driving home, and my driveway, you’ve seen it. [pointing to me] he’s like “I’m not pulling up that.” And I’m like “I understand” So I had to walk up in the snow, which is like no problem, but she was like “do you want me to walk you up?” and I’m like “Nah, you stay here” I gave her a fistbump and walked away. And I was like “MOM! Where’s food? I’m dying…” And that was the end, of my worst date.” [Conversation returns to how she helped him graduate

BUCK FYU SHIRTS

[one of the simplest forms of the design, and most common, as it is on a blue background, we know it’s Aggie based] [A fan wears the shirt in 2011] [A Red variant, found online, to be worn by a University of Utah Fan, the man in the photo also interestingly has a white undershirt, indicative of religious vestments (garments) and is likely a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, who owns BYU. The individual may not wear it if it explicitly said “FUCK BYU”] [A black version, available for purchase, likely to be interchangeable between different fan bases

Fishery collapse, recovery, and the cryptic decline of wild salmon on a major California river

Fall-run Chinook salmon (Oncorhynchus tshawytscha) from the Sacramento–San Joaquin River system form the backbone of California’s salmon fishery and are heavily subsidized through hatchery production. Identifying temporal trends in the relative contribution of hatchery- versus wild-spawned salmon is vital for assessing the status and resiliency of wild salmon populations. Here, we reconstructed the proportion of hatchery fish on natural spawning grounds in the Feather River, a major tributary to the Sacramento River, using strontium isotope (87Sr/86Sr) ratios of otoliths collected during carcass surveys from 2002 to 2010. Our results show that prior to the 2007–2008 salmon stock collapse, 55%–67% of in-river spawners were of hatchery origin; however, hatchery contributions increased drastically (89%) in 2010 following the collapse. Data from a recent hatchery marking program corroborate our results, showing that hatchery fish continued to dominate (∼90%) in 2011–2012. Though the rebound in abundance of salmon in the Feather River suggests recovery of the stock postcollapse, our otolith chemistry data document a persistent decline of wild spawners, likely leading to the erosion of locally adapted Feather River salmon populations

The Last Time I Shart Myself

*Introducing it* Spencer: “want to get a reaction out of people?” “When’s the last time you sharted yourself?” *laughing* “It’s funny because everyone knows the last time they sharted themselves” Myself: “I honestly don’t know that I do” Other Roommate “aw, yeah you do man, yeah you do” Spencer: “Yeah I can tell you mine vividly” “I was working in a fucking flip house, kay, back in California. It was a beat up old ass house I was working in to restore it” *answering interjections* “So I was working in that shit all by myself doing demo, okay? I was fucking ripping out like sheetrock and bullshit like that. And then… Like I’m there all by myself, and I’m like ‘my stomach hurts’ *giggling trying to talk* “there was like no bathrooms in that place cause they were all just freakin’… We tore ‘em all out already. ‘N so I’m just like ‘Damn my stomach hurts a lot now’ like after twenty minutes I’m just like ‘okay this is uncomfortable.’ BUT THEN I’m like ‘okay, I gotta go!’ So I start driving to the nearest McDonald’s, okay, and I’m like halfway there, and...” *holding back laughs* “It’s bad, it, it all just let’s lose bro, so I like waddle my ass into this McDonald’s, and freakin’ try and clean out my shorts” *laughing stops it for some 10 seconds* “and then I just finish my day, just like stained, and it’s just like, it’s a McDonald’s, so they got that like one-ply freaking toilet paper, that you can’t clean shit up with, it just –Smears- “ Myself: “So did you like, throw your underwear away or…?” Spencer: “No so I’m like trying to clean off my underwear” *roommate gagging, dry heaving, trying not to laugh* Roommate: “So you just free-balled it…?” Spencer: I was at… So then I go to work, and I like work for another couple hours in freaking shitty ass underwear, and then I like go home” *interjecting* Roommate: “HOW DID NOBODY like ‘like what is that smell?!” Spencer: “WELL, like I was, working by myself, so It didn’t really matter. I’m pretty sure I was in like Stockton too, so it was like, it was like a forty-minute drive home” … “But anyways it was like bad bro